Happy Sabbath

Good morning, I’m so blessed to see another Saturday that I’ve never seen before. Yesterday I didn’t leave the house. I had no strength nor energy. Today is suppose to be beautiful but I’m going to cover up good and get out the house. I have some errands to run before my procedure on Monday.

I stayed up and watched Serena Williams win her 14th Fed Cup Single match. The girl is something else. She can pull a win off at any given moment but I must admit she doesn’t look the Serena of old. The Serena I traveled the world to watch play this beautiful sport. Nevertheless, I’m still hopeful that she’ll be back this year.

This morning I woke up and as I let my puppies out I said a little prayer just thanking Jesus for my life journeys. Thanking him for my ups and downs. The good and the bad. I apologized for the rut I sunk into on yesterday. I asked for forgiveness and I prayed for my sisters that I know go through so much wanting love from people that will never give it to them either because they can’t or they won’t. I felt a weight lift up off me. I felt refreshed. I felt a sense of peace. My face has been feeling so heavy but I felt light headed after my prayer. That’s probably not good. But when your head has felt like cement has been on it, that feeling was a relief.

Yesterday I was reading a blog post on here were a guy wrote about the difference between men and woman after having sex. He spoke of how men afterwards don’t want to talk and that women do. He mention that women wanted to get “mushy” and he said men just want to lay there and wonder if they did the ultimate. I’m paraphrasing here too. It just made me think how society still today, myself included, accept the stereotype of “most” men as law. I’ve heard my entire life that a “man gone be a man” and if that’s the law. The loaded law at that then how come we as a society can’t accept that “a woman will be a woman”? Like the things that are normal for women. Such things as wanting to be loved, wanting to be protected and provided for. Wanting to feel safe. If we want to be provided for we are gold diggers. If we want to be loved then we’re needy. Not sure if this is just in the black community or not. I’ve never dated nor married outside of my community. These are things that I’ve heard within my community. Men don’t talk much. Well women do. Men don’t like to shop. Well women do. I find this men don’t like to shop stuff a lie. Men don’t like to shop for panties and bras. For dresses. But men love to shop for recreational stuff. I have a friend guy that works hard and just sit around the and think of things to buy. I mean big dollar purchases too. The truth is, yes men and women are wired differently. However the truth also is that we’re both human. We both were created in love and to love and IF we both simply remove the selfish component from our lives I believe there would be happier men and women relationships. I just don’t believe that we as people were created to live alone. So many have to a accept being alone as reality unless they accept the games. The lies. The “I don’t need nobody”, the instability of emotions. Nowadays I believe men have become just as emotional as women. The only difference is men won’t talk about it. They’ll close you off or stop talking to you. Women are convinced themselves that they rather be single then put up a man mess. But they’ll go out and sleep with different men. Men will do the same. In my opinion that sleeping around is too much mess. That talking to 10 different women/men is too much mess. It’s hard to keep up with one. Why add to it? I don’t know.

I don’t have a lot experience with relationships. I’ve only been in four. However I speak with people all the time. Almost daily about their relationships. Every single female has been cheated on by a man that I’ve spoken to. The ones that are married are still with or they stayed with him for years after the infidelity. I see nothing wrong with saving your marriage. I believe it’s the right thing to do if both can make it right and work. I believe in the institution of marriage. I have a lot of respect for it. I just hate that we as women are normally on the receiving end of the damage. Emotionally. Mentally. And spiritually.

My Facebook page of Chatting With San at https://www.facebook.com/chattingwithSan/, post daily quotes, proverbs, affirmations, thoughts, and funnies. I get so many inboxes from females that are broken. I can relate. I’ve been there. I try daily to lift their spirits. Let them know that “this too shall past”. I let them know to keep their heads up. I let them know I’ve been there. I’m over the pain of my ex husband. I consider him a friend now. I know that me and my Mista will be a couple one day. I believe that in my heart. Until then I work on Sandra. I encourage other females. I get my life back on track. Things happens in seasons. I pray to Jesus for what I want and who I want. I speak names. I say exactly what it is I want. Things won’t always happen in my timing, that’s the frustrating part. But I believe if it’s according to Jesus will it’ll be done.

I’m not the independent woman. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to date a different man every so often. I’m not going to do that. Not in my DNA. I’ll wait to Mista get his mind together. I’ll wait till my change come. There is plenty to be done in my life right now to keep me focused. I so love being a woman. I don’t want to do what men do. If society thinks it’s okay for men to sleep around and that’s normal so be it. Sleep on. You won’t be sleeping with San. I’ll be doing lady things. You know shopping, going to the spa, watching tennis, going to tea socials, those things that I enjoy. I’ll take selfies in my beautiful dresses. I’ll go on walks with my two beautiful Maltese. I’ll come here and release some of the things going on in my head. Get my toes and nails done. Get my eyelashes done. My brows threaded. All these things are beautiful to me. I’ll continue to message my friend girls and check on them. Pray as much as possible. I even need to start back fasting. I now enjoy washing clothes and folding them away. Thursday I had a doctors appointment. The lady at the front desk says, “ Oh my you smell good, what are you wearing?” I said Gain and softener. I get that all the time now. It makes me smile because I hear Mista saying it.

In closing, to my sisters be true to yourselves. You’re not a man. You weren’t created to be equal with a man in the sense of their might and their mind set. Be the beautiful woman God created you to be. Always walk in your glory with your head held high and your shoulders squared properly. Stop leaning over so much messing up your posture. I see that so much and it vex me. I want to say, “baby straighten your back and shoulders up. I just saw a woman the other day at a nice restaurant in a beautiful hunched over, smh.” Look like a woman. Feel like a woman and most importantly be a woman. Your season is upon you. Don’t fall into the traps that society has highlighted to be okay. Cover your bodies. Take care of your health. Eat right. Exercise. Love. Love those that don’t love you back even the more. I’m here with you. I stand with you. Be encouraged.

Memories

One thing for sure no one can take those memories from you and sometimes it’s the memories that help you make it through the day.

I take full responsibility because I know the role I played in this situation and what’s so sad is that I know better but when you want what you want sometimes you play the fool and as the military says you have to suck it up and drive on. One thing I won’t do is get bitter. You see those memories are real and true. That I know. The game playing not so much. But no one can tell me what I felt over the years wasn’t real.

This Luther Vandross song just dropped in my heart so I listened to it and my eyes filled up with tears. So I went and found the words. Such a beautiful song and it helps with my memories.

Don’t give up on love. Please don’t. Love is real. Even if we act like it’s not doesn’t make it not real. Some people just have strong egos. They’ve been through things that won’t allow them to love like they should. I believe this. That’s why those memories are important. Forever. For always. For love!

I sing this song
To remind myself that
There was a time when I Didn’t have no one
Didn’t have no love
Do you remember
The love that we once had Well, if I had the chance to love you again I would make your heart forget I was ever bad If we forgive the past I know this time love would last
Forever, for always, for love I’m not coming home anymore Does it matter? Well, if I had the chance to hold you again I would fill your heart with joy And make you know that I’m the only one for you
Let’s throw the bad memories out And make this the first day of our Forever, for always, for love. I’d be a fool to ever change
If she said she loves the way I am I’d be a fool to ever change If she said she loves the way I am
It’s gonna be starting here, starting now
Forever, for always, for love

Love Song Singing Genius

Joy & Pain

Was texting a friend this morning and I mention something about home ownership. Half of me wants to run and get an apartment and the other half of me loves my little cozy cottage. What I realize is that I want the joy of home ownership but not the pain. I want to stay in my little cottage as long as nothing breaks. Silly me huh?

I’ve been in my house for 14 years this summer and I’ve not had any issues and for that I’m grateful. But seems like starting last year everything is starting to fall apart and guess who has to figure it ALL out? Yes, yours truly. Something I’ve never had to do. So yes it’s a little frustrating. But reality is I love this little old house. It’s cozy. My scent is here. It’s the last house where me and all my babies lived. My neighbors know me. They look after me. I feel safe.

So I thought of that song by Frankie Beverly and Maze, https://youtu.be/KNuKMPeOdfM

At the end of the day I’m blessed. I’m in my season of restoration and jests is being faithful to his word towards me. I’m grateful that I’m able to do what I have to do. Go take a listen to the classic, Joy and Pain! Link listed above. 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽

Me & The Mr. Frankie Beverly

LOVE

All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7

I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.

LOVE

What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.

Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.

Our words are life or death. Choose wisely!

I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!

I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!

LOVE is!

I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.

I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.

I’ll travel for LOVE!

Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.

LOVE never fails!

Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.

Y’all know I’m goofy!

Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.

I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.

Relationship Goals!

Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.

Love is within the HEART!

I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.

Jesus is LOVE!

I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.

Regardless what love is to you the struggle and the goal is to make LOVE last!