Sis be careful who you call Sister. I don’t care if she is your sister from your parent. Sisterhood is PROVEN through valley experiences!
All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7
I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.
Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.
I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!
I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!
I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.
I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.
Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.
Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.
Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.
I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.
Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.
I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.
I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.
I did absolutely NOTHING today. I got off work and laid around and now I feel awesome! Sometimes you need to just do nothing. It’s refreshing, I promise! I spoke to a friend early this morning. Then later I spoke to the lady that cleans my house that’s become a good friend of mine. I’m excited because things are starting to look up for me. You know I said I’m giving myself four years to get my life together. I’m in no rush. It’s going to be some small moves here and there but they’ll be vital to the big picture. I’m sitting over smiling as I type thing.
This is not a long post. I just want to encourage you that whatever you’re doing or where ever you are in life it’s ok! Don’t let it overwhelm you. I was experiencing anxiety last week. It helps to have a BEST friend that’s a PA. I need to send her so many $19.95’s for all the medical help she’s given me over the years. Don’t try to understand that, it’s a joke between the two of us. 😂😂😂. Our relationship goes back to 1994. Our relationship has been tested and proven. I love her with my all. But okay I say this to say that everything will be okay. I promise you. Just make small adjustments everyday.
I’m excited for these last three months of 2019. I plan to be intentional. You know a friend told me yesterday to plan and stop rushing to do things. It was good advice. Anybody that knows me knows I’m a planner. But I’ve been off my game here lately. So, it’s good to have people in your circle that’ll bring you back in. Like a lifeguard. I can’t swim so if I ever go to the pool, which I normally don’t, I’d need to have a lifeguard near. This friend was my lifeguard on yesterday and today I’m grateful.
Today was such a blessing. I didn’t read nor journal but my mind was stable. It wasn’t racing. I didn’t think of old times. I stayed in the moment. Yaaasss! I love it. So today was a WIN. Somebody told me I needed to get some wins under my belt to build some momentum. So today was that quick start that I needed. Smiling as I type. Picture this. I’m laying in bed wiggling my toes. TV on in the background with CNN and there every thirty minutes breaking news headline. Heat on 78. Eating on some sweet tarts, chilling. Life’s good and I’m claiming that I’ll finish the year with such peace and joy in my heart. As a matter of fact I’m decreeing it. You know the word says we can decree a thing. I have to start using my benefits. I have to start back speaking the word over my life. Yes that’s exactly it.
So to all my beautiful sisters that are struggling, growing, yes GROWING, through life’s transitional phases, to my sisters that got it going on, you too, be encouraged. We have about 90 days left in 2019, let’s make them count. Let’s do the work to tighten up our shot group and make our dreams come alive. Don’t compare your story with no one else. Stay in your own lane, but grind. 🥰🥰
We can’t protect ourselves from being hurt; we can’t protect our hearts. It’s not possible. To do that we’d have to not give our all or we’d have to be by ourselves. And even then you can’t control if you’ll be hurt. I’ve been thinking and it’s just not possible.
If I say okay I’m not dating anymore what does that mean? I’m never going to go out with the opposite sex any more? Never going to talk to the opposite sex? And if that’s possible, can our hearts not be hurt just as bad from a relative or a same sex friendship? I just don’t believe it’s possible to totally protect our hearts from heart break.
You know God saw that it was not good for Adam to be lonely so he put him to sleep and made him a help mate. He took from his rib. Why the rib? Could he not have taken from any other part of his body? When he had awaken Adam he asked him what shall we call it? Adam said woman for she’s bone of my bone flesh of my flesh. Is that not something? Ladies we were made for man not the other way around. Well what does that mean? Does that mean that man is suppose to mistreat, abuse, disrespect, or do anything that will cause a woman grief or pain? Nope not at all. But women it also doesn’t mean that we’re suppose to walk behind them or be inferior to them. We are to complement man. With this I just don’t see how man and woman can live right here on this earth and not have relations with each other.
There’s been medical research that a man is suppose to release every so often. I believe, I don’t have proof, that we females need to do the same every so often. That being the case how is it that we’re not meant for each other? I know some believe in self satisfaction and toys. I have nothing to say about either. But I’d assume Adam could have self satisfied too. Perhaps he did, I don’t know. Either way I still believe we were made for each other. And any time two people from different walks of life come together and try to become as one or mate there is almost a certainty of some level of anguish. Hurt. Heart break even.
Okay back to my premise. If that being the case I stand on the fact that we can’t protect ourselves from being heart broken. Now what we can try to do is use some wisdom and/or discernment in our selections. That’s going to take prayer though, I believe. And even then I’m just not sure we hold all the cards in regards to managing our heart breaks. I’d like to believe we can but the more I ponder on this subject the more I come back to the belief that it’s just not possible.
If you could date and fall in love with someone exactly like yourself would that even be interesting? Even then could you control your heart from being broken? Hmmmm, I just don’t think so. I believe the best we can do as humans is just do our all to do the right thing. If you get hurt in the process give your self time to grieve and then keep it moving. Seek counseling. Join a prayer group. Do what you feel is right. I’d be careful who I share things with though. Trust me on this one. I talk too much. I’ve shared things with people that I shouldn’t have and later wanted to punch some folks in the throat. But I didn’t want to get punched back so I kept my hands to myself. And it was my fault that they knew my business in the first place. So I just have to take the lost. That’s why wisdom and discernment are vital. Now I’m not advocating in you not having a circle or a group of master minds. We were designed for community. So it’s a beautiful thing to have a confidant or two but just as in any relationship choose wisely.
However I’d like to also say getting your heart broken is not a bad thing in the big scope of things. These hardships that we experience throughout the years are really for our making. It’s to help someone else along the way. I’ve gotten away from thinking it’s all about me and crying why me Lord. My mind has shifted to “Thank you Jesus” for the lesson. For the pain. For the experience. I know most people think they are really strong. But honestly you don’t know how strong you are till you experience a life changing situation. It’s inside the battle where you get your strength. You see it’s like gold. Gold has to go through extreme degrees of heat to become that perfect gold that everyone pays all that money for. It’s during the heat that the gold is made. So don’t get bent out of shape when you have to go through upheavals. I know we don’t like to go through. Lord knows I don’t but on the coming out side of the situation is where you’ll see the glory and feel your strength.
So be encouraged. Stop trying to prevent what’s already predestined to happen anyways. Enjoy life and all the ups and downs of it.
You know stepping out on your own is not the most ideal thing to do. Walking by Faith is often talked about but not too many people do it; Christian nor non-Christians. However I’ve decided to do just that. As a matter of fact, I’ve always done just that. I’ve never been ashamed nor afraid to step outside of the box if it was to do something that I believed in.
Blogging about my personal life is a huge step for me. I never mind sharing my business with people I felt close to. But to share it with the world was a bit much. But it’s about growth for me. I’m evolving. I’m growing and that’s amazing. Now I’m no writer. I promise you I’m not. I’m even worst at editing but coming here and pouring out my heart and the things in my head is therapeutic for me so that makes it easy.
I’ve read up on some of the trends and policies about blogging. I don’t believe I follow most. Of course I’d love to have millions of followers and start monetizing off my blog but my main objective is to just work through my thoughts and my feelings. It’s to share my messages in hopes of encouraging others. It’s to share the good news. I’m not here to convert anyone to Christianity. But I am going to be speaking of the Jesus that’s had a huge impact in my life. I’ll try to be as authentic as possible. I’ll be transparent. Feel free to comment and ask questions. My views may change. That’s okay. It’s about growth. I’ll talk a lot about love and forgiveness. I’m talking about forgiving when most people would rather throw you in the death chair. My post wont be scheduled. They will all be straight from my heart. There will be no method to what I post outside of love, encouragement, uplifting, hand inspiring. I’ll speak about self care. About loving yourself. I’ll speak about being in touch with your feelings and emotions. I’ll talk about finances sometimes. Believe it or not I have three degrees in accounting and finance. However I’ve misused a whole lot of money. A whole lot of money. Let me say it again, a whole lot of money. But still I’ll share my knowledge. There’ll be other topics I’m sure but I can’t say because again my post won’t be scheduled.
Please feel free to subscribe to my blog. To share it. Like the post that you read hit the like bottom. Feel free to comment. Again I’m no writer. If you see a grammatical error please feel to correct me. The good thing about this is that I can always go back in and edit my post. 🙌🏾🙌🏾
I started blogging years ago. Like back in 2008-9 I believe. I use to blog about business type matters. Then life happened and now that’s what I blog about. I come here and be authentic because for so many years I didn’t deal with myself. And because I didn’t deal with myself it gave an appearance that I was all that. You know, doing well! Well it was partially the truth. I am all that! 😍😍. And I was doing well and still is. Back then my wellness was made up in stuff. How much money I could make. What I could drive. My buying power. How much traveling I could do. My wellness now is my peace, my health, my mental state, and still of course my appearance. I’d admit I’m sort of vain. I’m hard on myself. I don’t like being fat. Thin works best for me. I’ve been both. I’ve decided that I love thin better. Nothing against fat, thick, big boned, whatever y’all want to call it. That’s good for others but not for me. Just like I feel beautiful in dresses. Some feel beautiful in pants. It’s okay. Do what makes sense to you is my advice. 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️.
This picture is me trying to be thin. About six pounds too big but I’m working on a plan. Give me a minute. I’ve gotten candy out of my system so now I’m working on putting down the chips and getting back to my workouts. My eating has always been a problem for me. I don’t eat enough of the right foods and can go days literally just eating junk food. But when I do eat I typically do eat the right foods. 💪🏽💪🏽
This picture is me when I was fat. I tried to find the ugliest picture of myself. But seeing that I’m vain I don’t have many of the ones really showing the three rows of fat on my back and stomach. Neck rolls and dark inner thighs. I hid them well. I had gotten up to a size 10. Bigger than I was while having three babies. I was miserable. I didn’t want to leave the house except for work or church and mandatory pampering. It was bad. The years were 2006-2008. I had gone into a deep depression. My self esteem was somewhere in the negative. We did a family road trip from Dallas, Texas to LA in 2007 and something about the way the women carried themselves out there inspired me. I saw big women, small women, skinny women, fat women, ugly women, drop dead gorgeous women and the ONE thing they all appeared to have in common was their walk. They walked in heels. Head held high. They moved about with confidence. All this was my opinion. Who knows, they could have been faking it but I needed to see that. I got back to Dallas went on a no sugar diet. Had a salad for the first time in my life and then hired a trainer. I was determined to feel good about myself again.
I don’t know how my post went this way. 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. I also read that you’re not suppose to use emojis when you’re writing non-fiction too. Oh well I wear them out in almost all my post. 😀😀 so I don’t know, does that make me a rebel? I get off track easily too. I’m sure that’s adult ADHD. But hey whatever. I told you I come here to be authentic. So this is the no judgement zone, okay! I do care about doing things the right way believe it or not. But I’m also a little bit more care free in my older days. My post are typically more in line with the title of it. Maybe I can bring it back in. We shall see. 😜😜
I woke up this morning sore in my body. I told myself last night I was going to just lay in the bed all day and watch tennis. Thank God I have some important things to do so that I can get up and out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Plus I can stay in bed all day and watch tennis and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. 💪🏽🎾. But I’m going to get up and get out. Plus I’m sure I’ll be hyper today because I had tea this morning. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️. Lol!
So back to me being encouraged on today. I really am. New day. New grace and mercies! Why not be encouraged. Everything not like I want them but hey it’ll probably never be that way. So hopefully I’m not looking for encouragement in hoping for everything to go my way anyways. It has to be something deeper. It just has to be. And it is. I’m encouraged on today because again I’m awake and alive. I had a beautiful Saturday evening and Sunday morning. Although I’m a little sick, I’m happy. I could’ve allowed a situation to take me under but I raised above it. I’m able to forgive now. Something I’ve not always been able to do. I don’t have any anger in my heart, TODAY, LOL! I’m being honest here okay! I’m saying today for I don’t know what tomorrow holds. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
This photo speaks volumes. I know how to do this now. I honestly do. And I also still know how to love the person and if needed still help the person. Now that’s something to be encouraged about. You see I use to hold grudges. And I could hold them for years, literally. So when people tell me they hold grudges I know what they mean. I also pray one day they’ll be delivered from that sickness though. It profits them nothing. Trust me. Often times the person you’re holding the grudge against don’t even care one way or another. It’s like forgiveness. It’s not about them nor is it for them. It’s about you and it’s for YOU. You’re the one that’s needing the release. You know often times we wonder why we stressed and tired. A lot of times it’s what’s going on internally. Things we are not dealing with. I’m such a huge advocate for counseling and/or therapy now. My Lord it’s a life saver I promise. Doesn’t take the place of prayer but it’s helpful.
I’ll end with this. You have to honestly do the work on yourself. If not you become a problem to your own situation. Been there. Done that. I have the T-Shirt to prove it. So basically I’m encouraged on today because of the tools I’ve gained over the past year or so to learn how to deal with things. I use to get low and go into the fetal position, you know a dark place. I no longer do that. I’m learning to accept what IS. I’m dealing with my issues and things are looking and feeling good for me. I’m encouraged on today because of that. I’m hopeful that I’ll get my body the way I want it to be. I’m grateful that I’m constantly working on my mental strength. I’m blessed that I can love even when I’m not loved back or don’t feel loved. It’s about working on Sandra. Self-Care is real and I’m owning it. No longer will I be making excuses or blaming someone else for issues. My sanity. Now when I take inventory I can see where I had a huge play in my upheavals. So today I encourage you to do the work. Take the inventory. Be honest with yourself. Accept what IS and if you don’t like what IS begin to work on changing it. You owe it to yourself!