I share pieces of my life in an effort to let other females know that they’re not alone. Sometimes that’s all we as women want to know, that we’re not alone. We want to know that we’re not stupid for loving the wrong person, for being a teenage mom, for feeling like we’ve not raised our babies right, for all the horrific mistakes we’ve made.
I come to tell you that you’re not Sis. Life is good. Every hardship, every mistake, every year that felt like a decade, every time you didn’t feel beautiful or confident, it’s made you the beautiful woman you are today. You’ll use all those things, the good and the bad, to be the woman that Jesus created you to be. And when it’s all said and done all those things will help you help somebody else.
Often times we don’t know why we go through so much. Although I’m convinced that most of my hiccups in life have been of my own making. But I know that it wasn’t for my destruction. You know how I know? Because I’m still here. I can tell my story to another woman and give her hope. Encourage her. We together can strive to help others. I think. I believe that’s what it’s really about anyways.
So Sis hold your head up. Sit straight up. Square those shoulders and strut. You got this. All things work together. Know this. Believe this and walk in it!
I’m sick of these videos because they make me cry but the message is so true. So real. They touch the very core of me. They really do.
A friend guy told me I was soft last year and I said, “no I’m not” but I am soft. Things do break me. I am emotional. I do care about others. I do have empathy. Yes I’ve been through things that should’ve made me hard or harder but instead my life lessons have humbled me. They’ve made me cautious and mindful of others. I use to be such a cut throat individual. My Jesus to even think back on how I use to be makes me shrivel to the bones. Jesus has blessed me with a heart of compassion.
I remember telling my pastor in 2018 that I didn’t want to be so forgiving and understanding. I want to be hard and harsh like others and he explained to me my gift. Told me to be thankful and grateful.
Healing is essential. I don’t know where Shaq and Kobe stood at the time of Kobe passing. I’ve not followed basketball in years. When I heard of his passing I was in Atlanta at Pappadeaux with my friend girl and her family. I immediately thought of my daughter and Mista. I know those two love basketball and I haven’t spoken to neither of them. I was suppose to go to the movies afterwards but instead I asked to be dropped back off.
I’m not one to hold grudges. I say what’s on my mind and after that I want to go watch tennis or shop or something. I still want to be cool but I know I can’t make others be like that so I accept that.
Sis. Austin passed last year May and all I hear every time I go through a fall out or a disagreement with someone I love or care about is her saying, “ Sis. San always keep your spirit clean. I don’t care what nobody else does you keep your spirit clean.” That means making amends. That means admitting your wrong doing. Asking for forgiveness and forgiving. I’m not harboring nothing in my heart and I’ll welcome you back with open arms if you ever have a desire to back in my life. I’ve told my daughter that, Mista knows that, everybody that has ever hurt me knows that. I’ll always reach out and apologize. Try to explain where I was coming from and try to convince you that my intentions were well meant. Jesus knows I can’t stand to see strangers hurt so Lord knows I hate to see people I care about hurt. Nope it’s not in me.
Anyways this video of Shaq broke me AGAIN. I try not to watch these things anymore because I know I’m soft. We all do need to take the time out and reach out to people we care about. Stop all this foolish stuff. We don’t know when the last day, time, moment, nor breathe will be. We’re not in control although most of us think we are. We all have an UNKNOWN expiration date. Don’t let it be said to late. Don’t let it be said go late.
Some how or another I came across a man blogging about the estranged relationship that he has with his adult daughter. I thought it odd, for daughters are normally close to their dads and at odds with their moms. At any rate I commented on the blog that I was at a lost of words. Those that know me know that’s not the norm for me.
That post and another post he wrote about his daughter made me think about the very difficult and estranged relationship I have with my daughter.
I’m not at a lost of words with my relationship with my daughter. I acknowledge some areas where I was wrong and in my head and heart I feel I’ve dealt with those areas the best I could. However the relationship is still one that’s difficult and stressful. As a child people are more wavering and understanding but when you’re a 30 year old adult I feel like one must take responsibility for their upheavals in life and if they can’t process them alone seek help.
Most of us have a story. I believe every human can write a book about their lives. So to think that my story is any worst than someone else’s would be foolish of me.
I’m naturally a care giver to those that I love. I love doing for others. Another character trait I got from my grandmother. Sometimes being that way you can be taken advantaged of. I won’t say used because all I can give is what I have. I can’t offer you something I don’t have so therefore I don’t believe I can be used. When the well is dry nothing else can be given. So being the giver and provider that I am I probably made some situations worst earlier in my relationship with my daughter. I don’t know. But there comes a time when you realize your wrong doings and you try to correct them. In correcting them people will fall off because you’re not the “old” you. It’s expected.
Anyway I was always close to my father and my grand dad. So to see a man write about his daughter and write about her a little harsh was sort of shocking. At the same time I appreciated his honesty. I believe nowadays children don’t think parents have feelings. So especially, coming from a man, sharing his feeling with the world about his daughter, was enlightening to say the least.
Life is interesting. You really don’t know how things are going to eventually end up. I’d like to say that my daughter was once my best friend. The person I told all my secrets too. We were two little gangstas going shopping every weekend and pampering ourselves at the spa and hair dresser while leaving the boys at home. Those were happy times.
I don’t have that no more. I don’t have my precious daughter that I can go shopping with and spa hopping with. Anyone that knows me know I love a pretty dress. I don’t have a daughter that we can go into Karen Millen or Kate Spade or similar stores any more and try on beautiful dresses with beautiful heels. I don’t have a daughter any more that we can go online and order 10 pair heels and share them. I don’t have that beautiful little daughter that had the double zero waist with the nice thighs and butts to rock those skinny jeans I use to love to see her in. I was never one that could rock skinny jeans so she was me in that look that I wanted to wear but couldn’t so enjoyed shopping for her. I enjoyed taking her to the hair salon and getting her toes and nails done with me. Getting her facials. I enjoyed it so much I dreamed about it and planned for it weekly.
She was like me in so many ways. She had a flip lip. She spoke her mind. She loved the finer things in life. She was a go getter. But then life happened and things changed.
Back to the young mans blog. The blog post sort of angered me at first so I stopped reading it. Then later or the next day I went back to that blogger page and read another post about his daughter and I mellowed out because I was able to relate to his pain. I’m not ignorant enough to think that me and my daughter are the only two with issues. The Bible warns us that this would happen. My problem is I just never believed it would happen to me and mine. I don’t know why I felt I was exempt but yes, I thought I was exempt.
Daughters are precious. They’re different than sons. I know because I’m a daughter and I have two sons. You can identify with your daughter in a way you can’t with your sons. Mind you me and my two boys are really close. But they’re not my daughter.
Then with the passing of Kobe Bryant daughter at the tender age of 13 just has me all over the place. Life is just so precious.
Anyways I guess a few days later and that young man blog is still on my mind and causing me to think of my relationship with my daughter. Anyone else out here experience this? If so how are you or how have you been able to manage or resolve your estrangement? Talk to me.
One thing for sure no one can take those memories from you and sometimes it’s the memories that help you make it through the day.
I take full responsibility because I know the role I played in this situation and what’s so sad is that I know better but when you want what you want sometimes you play the fool and as the military says you have to suck it up and drive on. One thing I won’t do is get bitter. You see those memories are real and true. That I know. The game playing not so much. But no one can tell me what I felt over the years wasn’t real.
This Luther Vandross song just dropped in my heart so I listened to it and my eyes filled up with tears. So I went and found the words. Such a beautiful song and it helps with my memories.
Don’t give up on love. Please don’t. Love is real. Even if we act like it’s not doesn’t make it not real. Some people just have strong egos. They’ve been through things that won’t allow them to love like they should. I believe this. That’s why those memories are important. Forever. For always. For love!
I sing this song To remind myself that There was a time when I Didn’t have no one Didn’t have no love Do you remember The love that we once had Well, if I had the chance to love you again I would make your heart forget I was ever bad If we forgive the past I know this time love would last Forever, for always, for love I’m not coming home anymore Does it matter? Well, if I had the chance to hold you again I would fill your heart with joy And make you know that I’m the only one for you Let’s throw the bad memories out And make this the first day of our Forever, for always, for love. I’d be a fool to ever change If she said she loves the way I am I’d be a fool to ever change If she said she loves the way I am It’s gonna be starting here, starting now Forever, for always, for love
What’s wrong with us today? Why are we so weak as a people? You can stare at a person now and it’s called bullying. You get behind on the water bill and you start crying. Why are we so weak nowadays? Why so emotional? I’ve never been to war. I have all the activities of my limbs. I’m closed in my right mind. I have a job. Bills paid in full. Nothing but a house note and some student loan bills that I don’t plan to pay. Been through hell and high water literally. But I won’t complain. I’m not bent over crying why me Lord. Heck why not me? I mean really, who am I? Don’t nobody owe you NOTHING. Yes it’s nice to be loved, appreciated, wanted, and all that. But just in case none of this happens to you I’d suggest you learn how to live with you and Jesus! The world and the people in it are not like it use to be. I don’t know why. Heck I’m guilty. I don’t know my neighbors. Back in the day we knew the entire neighborhood for blocks. It’s not like that no more. Get over it. But stop crying so much. Accept it for what it is and be grateful for just today. Today is sufficient. It’s enough to. Let all that mess, stuff, drama, and anything else or person go. I don’t know if life is short but I do know it’s precious. Man I get down but I’m like the inflatable doll at parties, I get right back up. I’ve been lied to and lied on. Talked about and mistreated. Folks have been fake with me. You name it. But guess what? I’m still standing. The beauty of it all is my later days are and will be better than my former days. I thank God though for yesterday. I thank God for the sit down time he blessed me to experience. I thank God for the hurt, the pain, the trials, and the tribulations. I honestly count it ALL joy! For the joy of this current world is not to be compared to the joy that I’m striving for. I’m so thankful on today that trouble don’t last always. I love you all with the love of Jesus. If we don’t talk don’t take it personal I’m working on me. Jesus is restoring me and that’s a process. This new journey won’t be for everyone to come, for they won’t understand. So he’s weeding people and things out of my life to get me ready for this that’s to come. Pray for me and with me that I be what Jesus would have me be in these last days. Literally. Not what church or man says but what Jesus says! Y’all be blessed out there!
All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7
I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.
Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.
I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!
I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!
I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.
I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.
Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.
Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.
Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.
I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.
Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.
I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.
I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.
I started reading in 2017 and I can’t stop. At some point I need to put these books down and take action. However, every time I start, I see another good book, help me please! I need an intervention. But no not really! I try not to buy more books, I promise I do but I’ll pass it up and not buy it but It’ll stay in my mind. Before you know it I’m on Amazon buying the book.
I want to speak about a book I just read by Mrs. Paris Love titled, Embrace Your WOW Factor, 7 Ways to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses. I read this book yesterday. You will not stop till you finish reading it, I promise! It’s a quick read filled with golden nuggets that resonates with you. As you know I blog a lot about the emotional and mental trauma I’ve experienced. This sister here is on point with her steps to advance you beyond the hurt and pain. You can purchase your very own copy at EMBRACE Your WOW Factor: 7 Steps to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses https://www.amazon.com/dp/1692855913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EYJJDbD4MKMN0. And while you there order a copy for a friend girl like I did. I’d love to start an online book group to discuss the information that this book reveals.
People ask me all the time why do I forgive so easily. Or folks don’t understand how you can forgive someone for molesting your child. Or a spouse that has had a child on you while you’re still married. Honestly it’s not for anyone to understand. I can tell you that I often times don’t want to forgive. The easy thing is to stay in the pain. Have a pity party. Accuse the person of all their evil. Hold the grudge. Constantly lash out at them for the hurt. Question I have is what does that profit? They say San how can you smile through all you’ve been through? My question back to them is, how can I NOT smile through what I’ve been through. Regardless to what I’ve been through I have no need or desire to complain. Now mind you I went through phases where I wanted the first hubby killed, literally. And the second one I busted a vase over his head and damaged his precious baby, his convertible BMW. But it was for a season. I’m able to care and love both of them. Don’t wish either of them no harm. For after all that, I realized it was time to deal with Sandra. Renew Sandra. Fix Sandra. Love on Sandra! So I began counseling and put the work in.
As Mrs. Love spoke about balance and taking care of you in her book, I felt it all. When a person doesn’t take care of themselves, I call it being a busy body. Distractions. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re not taking care of ourselves because we clean up so well. We look soo good on the outside while the inside is literally deteriorating. I was fabulous at doing it all. I’d pay the $300 for the sew-in. I’d buy the hair bundles for $400 plus. I’d pay $2000 for the Valentino bag! Yes I did all that and some. But I was broken in the inside. See I was a busy body my entire life. I started having children early and got married early. Actually I’ve been married my entire adult life. And yes I love the institution of marriage! However my busy body activities were always trying to be a perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend. Give back to the community. Look out for others. I went through phases of blaming myself for years. See I know the word of God. Even when I’m not living it I know it. I beat myself up because I felt that had I been praying and watching as the Bible instructed then I would have known what was going on in my house. But I thank God for counseling and this book. And how I’m still learning to NOT blame myself and to STOP apologizing. The steps that Mrs. Love speaks about in her book that I love so much are biblical. It’s not Jesus desire for us to live under all this hurt and pain. And magnifying someone’s wrong doing does nothing for you. Often times when we hurt somebody it’s not the person that’s getting hurt that it’s about, it’s about the person that’s committing the actions. They’re dealing with their own demons. I learned this the hard way. When somebody hurts you, you want that person to suffer and suffer long. But when you in the mercy seat you want favor. You want understanding. You want forgiveness. I’m telling you I know what I’m talking about because I’ve experienced this. Let that mess go. Let it all go. Focus on you. Get help. I saw this and it hit the point the book and myself are encouraging us all to do.
I also had to learn to stop with the negative talking. I’m broke. He hurt me. I’m tired. All that negative talking picks up momentum the more you feed it. So I had to learn to change my thought process. I still catch myself doing and I try to switch it up. I’m not broke. Stop buying dresses and going to watch tennis when you know you don’t have the money, which is probably NOT gone happen. I’m just being honest here! Sis the book speaks on all that. The Bible even teaches us that’s it’s not what goes in the body that defiles the temple. It’s what comes out. It teaches us there is life and death in the tongue. I love reading. Absolutely love it. And I only read self-help, non-fiction and autobiographies, biographies, and memoirs. But guess what? Everything we need is in those 66 books! I promise you. The Holy Bible is THE Book!
Mrs. Love speaks of living in the NOW! How many of you know that the word of God teaches us to take no thought for tomorrow? Look it up. It’s in there. Why worry about tomorrow? It has its own issues. Plus he said if he feeds the birds how much more will he do for us. The bird don’t be flying around stressed and worried. Sis again, let that mess go. Take in today. It’s beautiful. We miss so much worrying about tomorrow and yesterday too. Here’s a problem that I have. Something happens, let’s say on Monday. I shake it off or really don’t even realize it happened. Come Wednesday I’m all the way back in Monday analyzing what happened. How crazy is that? But I do this. It’s stressful. It’s unnecessary. Don’t let me go to that person. They be like, “San gone with all that!” I’m telling you thats crazy huh? But I do that. But guess what I can work on that. And it all starts with me.
Also I like how she recognized she had to go through her experiences to get the book! Yes sisters. There is a book in us. Don’t feel bad. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t force something that won’t fit. Go through. Get the testimony. Get the book! My Lord I felt that. I was just sharing with a sister that I have this burning in my belly that gives me anxiety because I want so very badly to tell and share my story because I know it’ll help others. She encouraged me to step out on faith and I know she’s right. But I know my weakest characteristic is patience. I have none. I was talking a friend on yesterday about working on getting myself back together. Sometimes I get discouraged because I can’t do the things I use to do. That right there is a negative thought process because that’s living in the past. See I’m not there either Sis but I’m working on it. We will all get there is we acknowledge it and put the work in. Take day by day and step by step.
I think over the years I’ve convinced myself that I was this perfect mom and wife. Well the truth of matter is that I wasn’t. And I’m not. I wasn’t faithful. I think I’ve justified my lies and deceit because it was always with the same guy over the years. But reality is a lie is a lie. I will never be perfect nor do I have a desire to be. However I do have a desire to always strive to be a better version of myself. Sometimes to others that can look like being ungrateful but I know that it’s me striving and thriving. Something that I wholeheartedly believe in. Perhaps that’s the real truth why I can forgive so easily. I don’t know.
Anyways sisters get the book. Read the book. Pray. Seek help. Learn to get you a daily praise. Get yourself by yourself and start dealing with YOU. What I’ve come to realize is that most of our hardship begins with US. it’s something going on in the insides. But one thing I do know is the struggles, the battles, the let downs, the upsets, the heartbreaks, they all come to build character. They’re not for our destruction. You can live after the pain. As a matter of fact you will live after the hurt. But it’s going to be up to you how you choose to live. I love you and I love this book. Mrs. Paris Love thank you for this gem. Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for being authentic!