Sis be careful who you call Sister. I don’t care if she is your sister from your parent. Sisterhood is PROVEN through valley experiences!
All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7
I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.
Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.
I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!
I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!
I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.
I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.
Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.
Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.
Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.
I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.
Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.
I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.
I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.
I’m such a basic woman. Meaning I just like the basics. You know a clean house. A decent ride. Some tennis. Tuna, salad, pineapple juice and cranberry juice. I LOVE love. I love puppies. I have two beautiful Maltese that love me dearly and I love them back. Of course I love my beautiful three children and my granny. Other than that I believe I’m just basic. Oh I can’t forget fashion, traveling, and the spa. That’s not too bad, right!
I was told I have too much time on my hand by someone that I cared a lot about. I was also told that I go too much and I stay too busy by someone that I met about 4 years ago and whom I’ve grown to respect. So which is it? Do I have too much time on my hand or do I stay too busy? Well both statements were made during different seasons of my life. One was made recently and one was made a few years ago. Well the truth is as of now when I’m not working I do have time to do other things and that’s what I do. I read and write. Watch the news and tennis. Go watch live tennis. Work out every so often and chill with my puppies. I’d say I’m not as busy as I use to be. I did use to stay on the go. Not so much now. Been there. Done that. Have all sorts of proof and evidence. I’m good now. So I’m more reserve and laid back now. I’ve always been a home body though. If I’m ever in Texas you’d find me at home or church. I’d go get my toes and nails done and to the spa and gym and back home. I don’t like clubs or parties so there’s not a lot of places for me to go when I’m home.
Walking and running always allow me to clear some space in my head. I got up this morning and walked for a hour. It felt good. So now I’m back home just soaking and listening to music. Times like these are so stress free and relaxing. I love it. I enjoy the down time. Especially in the comfort of my own house. Days like these are needed. I need that me time. That alone time to just chill, think, and relax.
Last night I went to church and my it was just what I needed. I have a friend here visiting me from Baltimore whom has been going through some similar things so I asked her if she’d like to attend church and she said yes. I’m so glad she said yes because I know had she not said she wanted to go I wouldn’t have gone. But the word was spoken directly to me. The nerves of me to walk and act like I don’t know what Jesus has done for me. The message really dealt with me. I woke up this morning and turned my face into my pillows and got out an ugly prayer. I mean I prayed. But I’m back at “not my will but your will oh Lord be done.” Asking Jesus to help me completely surrender to him, AGAIN! I’m believing it will be so too.
I spent the last two days crying out for something that I wanted. I had never done that before. NEVER! This being authentic in every area of my life is a challenge at times. I’m such an old soul. I just don’t agree with a lot of this advance stuff. But in being authentic that means with my emotions and my feelings too. In every area of my life. You know the word says we have not because we ask not. So I’ve spent the last two days asking for what I want. It wasn’t hard at all I just had to be venerable. I had to accept the fact that the answer maybe no. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear no. As a matter of fact I know I didn’t want to hear no. But I took a deep swallow and began sharing my feelings and asking for what I want. Now I still haven’t gotten a verbal response yet. So that can be either a good or bad sign. Or I can simply assume the answer is no. I’m not 100% sure which direction I’ll take. Right now I’ve decided to get back to blogging. I hadn’t blogged in over a week. To be honest I’ve been working on this post for over a week. I just couldn’t stay focused for some reason. I’d start and about two or three minutes into the post I’d lose focus and put it away. So this is one of those post that will have several themes or topics. I apologize for that.
One of the easiest things to do in life is love those that love you. Do for those that do for you. But one of the hardest things to do in life is love those that don’t love you. Do for those that don’t do for you. Wonder why that’s so hard??? Hmmmmmm. One thing I do know is that the world will know that you are a disciple of Christ Jesus by the love you show. So loving someone that loves you is so satisfying to your flesh. You believe in your heart that it feels good. But what about loving that person that you know hates you?? What about praying for those that you know are out for your throat?? These are hard to do because as a people we don’t want to feel played and we have this I don’t care what folks think about me mentality. I’ve been there. My Lord I’ve been there. But through my trials and tribulations. Through my returning back to my savior he has taken me through a purge. Lord knows it doesn’t feel good but Lord knows it’s all worth it. I just know that the word of God will prevail. I know that all of his promises are yes and amen. I know that the trying of my faith is working for my good. It’s working my patience. It’s cleaning me up from the inside all the way to the outside. I know after I’m done I’m gone be holy. So basically what I’m saying is just try Jesus. Try reaching out to those that have hurt you. Try forgiving. Try praying until you can forgive or reach out. Pray sincerely and ask Jesus to help you with your short comings. You know what they are. I’m doing exactly what I’m writing. I’m asking Jesus to search my inner most man and expose everything that’s not of him. Expose it ALL.
Through the words of this message if I’ve done anything to offend you I apologize. I’ve called everybody I can think of that I’ve hurt or offended and apologized. I started doing this last year in July. Some have accepted my forgiveness some haven’t. Through all this I’ve also had to get some folks out my camp. Some people were draining me mentally and emotionally. I’ve had to purge them. Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t love or care about them it just means I had to do whatever I needed to do to keep my spirit clean before Christ. I’ve also had to go and forgive myself for some things. All this is necessary for growth anyways.
Try this. Lay aside EVERY weight and THE sin that does so easy beset you and run this salvation race. If and when you fall get back up and run FORWARD. Don’t look back. Don’t let folks hold your yesterday over your head. Repent and finish the race. Remember the race is not given to the swift nor the quick nor the strong but to them that endure to the end, those same ones SHALL be saved.
Sometimes it gets hard. That’s okay. Remember Jesus had asked God to suffer not this cup to pass. Jesus had gotten weak in strength. Now say what!!!! Now you know if our savior can get weak then what and who are we???? Whatever. You better get on up and RUN…
Don’t let the devil accuse you. He’s the accuser of the brothers. He knows he has not a chance left in hell to enter in so what he think about taking you out ain’t NOTHING. But victory is knowing who you are and whose you are. HALLELUJAH!!!!! Hallelujah anyhow. You can stand on that. That devil ain’t got the victory over you. He’s a liar. Don’t be deceived family. You are more than able to run this race and finish it.
I encourage you through the blood of Jesus to stand and fight that devil. As Bro Harris said one night in service hit the devil with a rope-a-dope like the greatest, Muhammad Ali did. Fight the devil. Fight him with the word. Fight him with your prayer and fasting. Fight him with your standfastness in Christ.
Family we gone make it. I promise you we gone make it.
We can’t protect ourselves from being hurt; we can’t protect our hearts. It’s not possible. To do that we’d have to not give our all or we’d have to be by ourselves. And even then you can’t control if you’ll be hurt. I’ve been thinking and it’s just not possible.
If I say okay I’m not dating anymore what does that mean? I’m never going to go out with the opposite sex any more? Never going to talk to the opposite sex? And if that’s possible, can our hearts not be hurt just as bad from a relative or a same sex friendship? I just don’t believe it’s possible to totally protect our hearts from heart break.
You know God saw that it was not good for Adam to be lonely so he put him to sleep and made him a help mate. He took from his rib. Why the rib? Could he not have taken from any other part of his body? When he had awaken Adam he asked him what shall we call it? Adam said woman for she’s bone of my bone flesh of my flesh. Is that not something? Ladies we were made for man not the other way around. Well what does that mean? Does that mean that man is suppose to mistreat, abuse, disrespect, or do anything that will cause a woman grief or pain? Nope not at all. But women it also doesn’t mean that we’re suppose to walk behind them or be inferior to them. We are to complement man. With this I just don’t see how man and woman can live right here on this earth and not have relations with each other.
There’s been medical research that a man is suppose to release every so often. I believe, I don’t have proof, that we females need to do the same every so often. That being the case how is it that we’re not meant for each other? I know some believe in self satisfaction and toys. I have nothing to say about either. But I’d assume Adam could have self satisfied too. Perhaps he did, I don’t know. Either way I still believe we were made for each other. And any time two people from different walks of life come together and try to become as one or mate there is almost a certainty of some level of anguish. Hurt. Heart break even.
Okay back to my premise. If that being the case I stand on the fact that we can’t protect ourselves from being heart broken. Now what we can try to do is use some wisdom and/or discernment in our selections. That’s going to take prayer though, I believe. And even then I’m just not sure we hold all the cards in regards to managing our heart breaks. I’d like to believe we can but the more I ponder on this subject the more I come back to the belief that it’s just not possible.
If you could date and fall in love with someone exactly like yourself would that even be interesting? Even then could you control your heart from being broken? Hmmmm, I just don’t think so. I believe the best we can do as humans is just do our all to do the right thing. If you get hurt in the process give your self time to grieve and then keep it moving. Seek counseling. Join a prayer group. Do what you feel is right. I’d be careful who I share things with though. Trust me on this one. I talk too much. I’ve shared things with people that I shouldn’t have and later wanted to punch some folks in the throat. But I didn’t want to get punched back so I kept my hands to myself. And it was my fault that they knew my business in the first place. So I just have to take the lost. That’s why wisdom and discernment are vital. Now I’m not advocating in you not having a circle or a group of master minds. We were designed for community. So it’s a beautiful thing to have a confidant or two but just as in any relationship choose wisely.
However I’d like to also say getting your heart broken is not a bad thing in the big scope of things. These hardships that we experience throughout the years are really for our making. It’s to help someone else along the way. I’ve gotten away from thinking it’s all about me and crying why me Lord. My mind has shifted to “Thank you Jesus” for the lesson. For the pain. For the experience. I know most people think they are really strong. But honestly you don’t know how strong you are till you experience a life changing situation. It’s inside the battle where you get your strength. You see it’s like gold. Gold has to go through extreme degrees of heat to become that perfect gold that everyone pays all that money for. It’s during the heat that the gold is made. So don’t get bent out of shape when you have to go through upheavals. I know we don’t like to go through. Lord knows I don’t but on the coming out side of the situation is where you’ll see the glory and feel your strength.
So be encouraged. Stop trying to prevent what’s already predestined to happen anyways. Enjoy life and all the ups and downs of it.
I read a book titled, The Algebra of Happiness by Scott Galloway. I love his writing. I read his first book, The Four, which was a New York Times Best Seller. The only bad thing I’ll say is that he’s an atheist. I’ve always believed that the concept was foolish. For one not to believe that something exist you almost have to believe it does exist. Atheism to me is an oxymoron, you know like a soft brick. For me to say that the grass is not green I have to know what the color green looks like, this the color green is in fact an actual color. So he knows that there is a God. But hey that’s just me. I’m no brain doctor so please don’t beat me up. Remember this is a judge free zone. 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. I do love the fact that he likes tennis though. He mention tennis in both of his books when trying to explain something. So I’ve come to the conclusion that he loves tennis. And if he doesn’t oh well this is my blog so it’s true on here. 😜😜😜. I believe he’s a Rafa fan. And that’s cool. I’m a Roger fan but I respect Rafas’ game. 🎾🎾🎾.
Anyways, in this book he says that “Love and relationships are the ends and everything else in between is the means. This resonates with me deeply. I’m an introvert and an extrovert which actually makes me an ambivert. It just depends on the situation and the people involved. I don’t mind being by myself but I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t like being around a lot of people or crowds but I love going to see an artist that I love, perform because I love seeing live bands and music. I totally agree that everything we chase in the end it’s all about love and THE relationships. Even after two failed marriages and losing pretty much everything I’m still going to fight for love and relationships. I love how he’s authentic in the book about his attitudes and his ways. He confesses his flaws. He acknowledges that he needs to work on things and that he really is. He talks about his mental health and his bouts with depression. I think it takes good character and morals to speak of ones perceived short comings. Up until a couple of years ago I would have never told my flaws the way I do now. But I find healing in doing so. It brings about a sense of peace. I feel free. Liberating. I remember when all the black girls where starting to go natural. Everyone kept speaking of it be liberating. I never really felt that about wearing my natural hair. For me as long as when I put myself together I feel cute, I don’t care if it’s natural hair, extensions, or a wig. I just love being cute. 😇😇😇. But writing and blogging about my truth is liberating. It makes me happy. I find joy in it. It’s calming too. It’s like listening to jazz music. Or watching Ken Ford play the violin in person. I simply love it. I wish I could do it more often. I’m sure one day I will. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽.
He speaks about nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. I know this to be true. I’ve been in some bad, terrible, horrible situations. Situations where I wanted to just die. Looking back I can honestly say that it wasn’t that bad. Not until death bad at least. And I’m not discrediting the situations at all. But on this side of them I can see the beauty in them. I can see that I was resilient in the sense that the situations didn’t take me out. I came through. I can still smile and laugh. I can still love and I still want to be loved. You know some people go through things and it takes them under. It changes their entire life. I’m not discrediting that option or outcome. But I’m grateful that I do serve a God that has literally walked with me through it all. He gave me favor amongst my enemies. He allowed me to endure and overcome right before their eyes. Through it all I’m learning true forgiveness. I’m first learning to forgive myself. I held myself accountable for years for something that happened. I felt like I allowed it to happened. I’d talk to my right shoulder and be like I wouldn’t dare allow something like this to happen. But my left shoulder would be accusing me all along. Because I was too saved to realize that I needed help I dealt with it all alone. I’d pray and I’d fast. I’d shop till I drop. I’d go to the spa multiple times a week. You know doing everything but dealing with the situation. It never went away. I was just applying bandaids to it year after year. I walked around like I was cool and over it but my insides were being tormented. This whole authentic thing is so freeing. I love coming here to release. One thing for sure I know I’m not the only person that’s dealing or have dealt with similar things. I promise you one day soon I’ll be able to tell my entire life story with no repercussions.
He says, “Love received is comforting, love reciprocated is rewarding, and love given completely is eternal.” Unconditional love is the goal. I’m sure of it. I don’t know if I’m there yet. As a matter of fact if I’m being authentic, I know I’m not there yet but it’s my goal. Eternal love. To have everlasting love one MUST practice forgiveness and we can’t keep score. It’s a given we’re human. Thus we will make mistakes. So if the love is unconditional than you have to accept those mistakes. I use to say things like, “you’re not gone play me for no fool.” Huh? What does that even mean? 🤔🤔🤔. I’m not advocating lying on your back and just allowing someone to continue to hurt you perpetually. I’m not saying that. But I do believe that unconditional love means that you have to continuously forgive. You have to not keep score. Just as bad as I want unconditional love I also want to be able to give unconditional love. The good book speaks of seeing past the person faults and seeing the need. That’s the place I’m striving to get to. So I’m not preaching to choir. I’m honestly trying to accomplish this stuff myself. And let me tell you it’s not easy. It takes some denying yourself. It takes some calling yourself out on your own bull. It takes being honest and authentic. It takes prayer, fasting, and counseling. It takes picking and choosing your battles. As important as I think I am it’s taking me to not be selfish. Be considerate. Have compassion. Having sympathy and even better having empathy. It takes a lot. Commitment and dedication are key too. I read somewhere that consistency compounds. So it’s a daily practice. We won’t accomplish unconditional love if we don’t work at it daily. You don’t think something as important as unconditional love is going to just fall in our laps do we? Oh noooo. 🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️. Nope! Not gone happen. Somethings we have to take by force. Matthew 11:12. We have to put the work in. So like Betty White says, “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Or whatever she said. You get the drift. 😇😇😇.
The book was so much more than this. Overall it was an awesome easy read. He draws you in with his authenticity. That’s what makes it so easy to read. I love reading. I read biographies, autobiographies, memoirs, and non-fiction books. I don’t do a lot of novels. I surely don’t read urban or fiction books. It’s enough of that mess right before my eyes. I enjoy books that check me. Make me think. Make me want to do better. Be a better person. Because that’s truly my goal. And this book does just that.
Reading is life altering. As the saying goes, it’s fundamental. Nothing like wrapping up and getting into a good book. So if you’re looking for a guide to happiness. If happiness is your goal I’d highly recommend this book. I’d also consider it a night stand reference tool too. Be encouraged my good people. 🥰🥰🥰