LOVE

All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7

I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.

LOVE

What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.

Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.

Our words are life or death. Choose wisely!

I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!

I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!

LOVE is!

I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.

I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.

I’ll travel for LOVE!

Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.

LOVE never fails!

Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.

Y’all know I’m goofy!

Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.

I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.

Relationship Goals!

Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.

Love is within the HEART!

I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.

Jesus is LOVE!

I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.

Regardless what love is to you the struggle and the goal is to make LOVE last!

Embrace Your WOW Factor!

I started reading in 2017 and I can’t stop. At some point I need to put these books down and take action. However, every time I start, I see another good book, help me please! I need an intervention. But no not really! I try not to buy more books, I promise I do but I’ll pass it up and not buy it but It’ll stay in my mind. Before you know it I’m on Amazon buying the book.

I want to speak about a book I just read by Mrs. Paris Love titled, Embrace Your WOW Factor, 7 Ways to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses. I read this book yesterday. You will not stop till you finish reading it, I promise! It’s a quick read filled with golden nuggets that resonates with you. As you know I blog a lot about the emotional and mental trauma I’ve experienced. This sister here is on point with her steps to advance you beyond the hurt and pain. You can purchase your very own copy at EMBRACE Your WOW Factor: 7 Steps to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses https://www.amazon.com/dp/1692855913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EYJJDbD4MKMN0. And while you there order a copy for a friend girl like I did. I’d love to start an online book group to discuss the information that this book reveals.

A MUST Read!

People ask me all the time why do I forgive so easily. Or folks don’t understand how you can forgive someone for molesting your child. Or a spouse that has had a child on you while you’re still married. Honestly it’s not for anyone to understand. I can tell you that I often times don’t want to forgive. The easy thing is to stay in the pain. Have a pity party. Accuse the person of all their evil. Hold the grudge. Constantly lash out at them for the hurt. Question I have is what does that profit? They say San how can you smile through all you’ve been through? My question back to them is, how can I NOT smile through what I’ve been through. Regardless to what I’ve been through I have no need or desire to complain. Now mind you I went through phases where I wanted the first hubby killed, literally. And the second one I busted a vase over his head and damaged his precious baby, his convertible BMW. But it was for a season. I’m able to care and love both of them. Don’t wish either of them no harm. For after all that, I realized it was time to deal with Sandra. Renew Sandra. Fix Sandra. Love on Sandra! So I began counseling and put the work in.

As Mrs. Love spoke about balance and taking care of you in her book, I felt it all. When a person doesn’t take care of themselves, I call it being a busy body. Distractions. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re not taking care of ourselves because we clean up so well. We look soo good on the outside while the inside is literally deteriorating. I was fabulous at doing it all. I’d pay the $300 for the sew-in. I’d buy the hair bundles for $400 plus. I’d pay $2000 for the Valentino bag! Yes I did all that and some. But I was broken in the inside. See I was a busy body my entire life. I started having children early and got married early. Actually I’ve been married my entire adult life. And yes I love the institution of marriage! However my busy body activities were always trying to be a perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend. Give back to the community. Look out for others. I went through phases of blaming myself for years. See I know the word of God. Even when I’m not living it I know it. I beat myself up because I felt that had I been praying and watching as the Bible instructed then I would have known what was going on in my house. But I thank God for counseling and this book. And how I’m still learning to NOT blame myself and to STOP apologizing. The steps that Mrs. Love speaks about in her book that I love so much are biblical. It’s not Jesus desire for us to live under all this hurt and pain. And magnifying someone’s wrong doing does nothing for you. Often times when we hurt somebody it’s not the person that’s getting hurt that it’s about, it’s about the person that’s committing the actions. They’re dealing with their own demons. I learned this the hard way. When somebody hurts you, you want that person to suffer and suffer long. But when you in the mercy seat you want favor. You want understanding. You want forgiveness. I’m telling you I know what I’m talking about because I’ve experienced this. Let that mess go. Let it all go. Focus on you. Get help. I saw this and it hit the point the book and myself are encouraging us all to do.

Try it! Daily!

I also had to learn to stop with the negative talking. I’m broke. He hurt me. I’m tired. All that negative talking picks up momentum the more you feed it. So I had to learn to change my thought process. I still catch myself doing and I try to switch it up. I’m not broke. Stop buying dresses and going to watch tennis when you know you don’t have the money, which is probably NOT gone happen. I’m just being honest here! Sis the book speaks on all that. The Bible even teaches us that’s it’s not what goes in the body that defiles the temple. It’s what comes out. It teaches us there is life and death in the tongue. I love reading. Absolutely love it. And I only read self-help, non-fiction and autobiographies, biographies, and memoirs. But guess what? Everything we need is in those 66 books! I promise you. The Holy Bible is THE Book!

Mrs. Love speaks of living in the NOW! How many of you know that the word of God teaches us to take no thought for tomorrow? Look it up. It’s in there. Why worry about tomorrow? It has its own issues. Plus he said if he feeds the birds how much more will he do for us. The bird don’t be flying around stressed and worried. Sis again, let that mess go. Take in today. It’s beautiful. We miss so much worrying about tomorrow and yesterday too. Here’s a problem that I have. Something happens, let’s say on Monday. I shake it off or really don’t even realize it happened. Come Wednesday I’m all the way back in Monday analyzing what happened. How crazy is that? But I do this. It’s stressful. It’s unnecessary. Don’t let me go to that person. They be like, “San gone with all that!” I’m telling you thats crazy huh? But I do that. But guess what I can work on that. And it all starts with me.

Also I like how she recognized she had to go through her experiences to get the book! Yes sisters. There is a book in us. Don’t feel bad. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t force something that won’t fit. Go through. Get the testimony. Get the book! My Lord I felt that. I was just sharing with a sister that I have this burning in my belly that gives me anxiety because I want so very badly to tell and share my story because I know it’ll help others. She encouraged me to step out on faith and I know she’s right. But I know my weakest characteristic is patience. I have none. I was talking a friend on yesterday about working on getting myself back together. Sometimes I get discouraged because I can’t do the things I use to do. That right there is a negative thought process because that’s living in the past. See I’m not there either Sis but I’m working on it. We will all get there is we acknowledge it and put the work in. Take day by day and step by step.

Romans 12:3

I think over the years I’ve convinced myself that I was this perfect mom and wife. Well the truth of matter is that I wasn’t. And I’m not. I wasn’t faithful. I think I’ve justified my lies and deceit because it was always with the same guy over the years. But reality is a lie is a lie. I will never be perfect nor do I have a desire to be. However I do have a desire to always strive to be a better version of myself. Sometimes to others that can look like being ungrateful but I know that it’s me striving and thriving. Something that I wholeheartedly believe in. Perhaps that’s the real truth why I can forgive so easily. I don’t know.

Anyways sisters get the book. Read the book. Pray. Seek help. Learn to get you a daily praise. Get yourself by yourself and start dealing with YOU. What I’ve come to realize is that most of our hardship begins with US. it’s something going on in the insides. But one thing I do know is the struggles, the battles, the let downs, the upsets, the heartbreaks, they all come to build character. They’re not for our destruction. You can live after the pain. As a matter of fact you will live after the hurt. But it’s going to be up to you how you choose to live. I love you and I love this book. Mrs. Paris Love thank you for this gem. Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for being authentic!

All over the place

I’m such a basic woman. Meaning I just like the basics. You know a clean house. A decent ride. Some tennis. Tuna, salad, pineapple juice and cranberry juice. I LOVE love. I love puppies. I have two beautiful Maltese that love me dearly and I love them back. Of course I love my beautiful three children and my granny. Other than that I believe I’m just basic. Oh I can’t forget fashion, traveling, and the spa. That’s not too bad, right!

I was told I have too much time on my hand by someone that I cared a lot about. I was also told that I go too much and I stay too busy by someone that I met about 4 years ago and whom I’ve grown to respect. So which is it? Do I have too much time on my hand or do I stay too busy? Well both statements were made during different seasons of my life. One was made recently and one was made a few years ago. Well the truth is as of now when I’m not working I do have time to do other things and that’s what I do. I read and write. Watch the news and tennis. Go watch live tennis. Work out every so often and chill with my puppies. I’d say I’m not as busy as I use to be. I did use to stay on the go. Not so much now. Been there. Done that. Have all sorts of proof and evidence. I’m good now. So I’m more reserve and laid back now. I’ve always been a home body though. If I’m ever in Texas you’d find me at home or church. I’d go get my toes and nails done and to the spa and gym and back home. I don’t like clubs or parties so there’s not a lot of places for me to go when I’m home.

Walking and running always allow me to clear some space in my head. I got up this morning and walked for a hour. It felt good. So now I’m back home just soaking and listening to music. Times like these are so stress free and relaxing. I love it. I enjoy the down time. Especially in the comfort of my own house. Days like these are needed. I need that me time. That alone time to just chill, think, and relax.

Last night I went to church and my it was just what I needed. I have a friend here visiting me from Baltimore whom has been going through some similar things so I asked her if she’d like to attend church and she said yes. I’m so glad she said yes because I know had she not said she wanted to go I wouldn’t have gone. But the word was spoken directly to me. The nerves of me to walk and act like I don’t know what Jesus has done for me. The message really dealt with me. I woke up this morning and turned my face into my pillows and got out an ugly prayer. I mean I prayed. But I’m back at “not my will but your will oh Lord be done.” Asking Jesus to help me completely surrender to him, AGAIN! I’m believing it will be so too.

I spent the last two days crying out for something that I wanted. I had never done that before. NEVER! This being authentic in every area of my life is a challenge at times. I’m such an old soul. I just don’t agree with a lot of this advance stuff. But in being authentic that means with my emotions and my feelings too. In every area of my life. You know the word says we have not because we ask not. So I’ve spent the last two days asking for what I want. It wasn’t hard at all I just had to be venerable. I had to accept the fact that the answer maybe no. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear no. As a matter of fact I know I didn’t want to hear no. But I took a deep swallow and began sharing my feelings and asking for what I want. Now I still haven’t gotten a verbal response yet. So that can be either a good or bad sign. Or I can simply assume the answer is no. I’m not 100% sure which direction I’ll take. Right now I’ve decided to get back to blogging. I hadn’t blogged in over a week. To be honest I’ve been working on this post for over a week. I just couldn’t stay focused for some reason. I’d start and about two or three minutes into the post I’d lose focus and put it away. So this is one of those post that will have several themes or topics. I apologize for that.

Living through it All

This is probably going to be a post where I talk about all sorts of things and I may not be able to tie it all together. We shall see! Sometimes I blog from a place of chaos. Doesn’t mean anything is going on just sometimes my thoughts are all over. And on this morning I have so much going on in my head. I think I’ll share a piece of my journal with you from 2017. You’ve heard me mention I was in a dark place for a season of my life. The other day I went through some of those journals and I laughed and cried. The tears weren’t bad though. I didn’t relive the pain. The tears were that I became so proud of myself that I took the time to actually deal with myself and my feelings. Like remember I’ve had an image to portray. I had to appear like I had it all together. A perfect marriage. Perfect and awesome kids. Saved. Sanctified. Holy Ghost filled. Nice house and car. Designer clothes. You know, I had to act like my stuff didn’t smell. 🤣🤣🤣. Mind you I don’t know where I got that idea from. I don’t know who told me I had to live a lie. I’ve never been big on television. I don’t do reality shows. I think I was raised okay. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. So where did all the faking come from? Good People, I don’t know! Heck perhaps if I knew I wouldn’t have been behaving that way.

The other day I was trying to find a particular writing that I did but came across a posting of me trying to explain the pain I was experiencing. I can tell you I know that I was losing faith during that entry. I can tell from my writing. No need to share the entire entry for it was three pages long. You know, someone said to me the other day that I act like what I’m going through doesn’t hurt. Like everything is okay. The person said they know I’m hurting because had it happen to them they’d be hurting. I don’t know why the person feels that way. They are entitled to feel how they please. I’ve never fronted like I don’t experience hurt. Anger. Pain. Like I don’t get upset. But what I’ve decided to do is not allow the situation to consume me. I’m not going into the fetal position. Therapy has cost me a lot of money because my counselor is out of network so I’m paying a lot of money to see her. How I deal with my emotions are different now. What does it profit me to cry all day or lay around with unforgiveness in my heart. Or hate people. So what I do is try to work through the emotions when they come up. I read. I write. I journal. I blog. Sometimes I do a little work out routine. I’ve learned some skills to help me with my emotions. I don’t ignore them. Nope! Not any more! I work through them. I shared with you all a book I use and it’s an awesome resource. I promise you it’s helpful. Meditation is also helpful. You can do it at any time. Any place. But guess what regardless if you deal with your situations or not life goes on. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving along. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️.

I had always said if I ever got married again that I wasn’t getting a divorce. We will fight through whatever. But in order for that to happen, the fighting part, it takes two. You can’t fight by yourself. Well I guess you can and I have, for years! Just not anymore. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. I also had to consider what I was accepting. And even then how much I wanted to accept. At some point reality comes and slap you around like they do on WWF. At that moment you have no other choice but to wake up.

Every post I write on here my goal is to inspire. Uplift. Encourage. I never want you to leave the page feeling worst than when you came. But I also must speak MY truth. No more tip toeing around or sugar coating my feelings. My goal moving forward is to be transparent. Authentic. I pray that’s what we all want to do. I’m going to let all my skeletons out. For no one on this earth is really able to judge anyone. Now I know the good book tells us to judge righteously. So the good book is right and I’m wrong. So if you want to call me out for something biblically feel free but please be walking the walk yourself. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

So here’s an excerpt from a dark moment in my life. Let me know what you think. Have you ever felt this way? What did you do to bounce back? Did you work through it or did you act like you were so strong and ignored the pain? Either way I want to hear from you! Remember we in a judge free zone here. Be encouraged on today. Life is beautiful. A scripture that stays in my heart is this, There is NO temptation common unto man that Christ won’t make a way to escape. We can overcome anything. I promise you we can. If you want to know where the scripture can be found google it. It’s 2019. Do we even need a Bible today? Don’t answer that. Of course we do. 😜😜😜

Perceptions

Often times what I say is not what people hear. I may say something with my intentions to mean one thing but the person I am saying it to may perceive it in a total different manner. And when this happens communication has been ineffective. Which defeats the purpose of talking or communicating anyways. I may have known this for years but on this week it became real.

You see I was dealing with someone that I care about. Every so often I’d ask a question or say something. And what I would say, in my head, was simply just a saying. Like slang, I guess. But the person I was speaking to was not receiving it like that. I couldn’t understand why we kept falling out until the person took about 30-45 minutes of their time and flat foot gave me the business. It wasn’t done in a disrespectful manner. It wasn’t aggressive or nothing of the sort. It was actually refreshing. They simply spoke their truth and told me how my words were offensive. As I sat there and listened I was like hmmmmm. I had no idea that’s how I was coming off.

My post on Tuesday was about insecurities and mentions how communication can cause problems in a relationship. Well the lack thereof. It spoke about communication being sexy. And it really is. So this person that I care about dearly that spoke about my insecurities is totally sexy. 😍😍😍. When they gave me their time to explain what it was I was doing it was a total turn on. Instantly. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾. But what about comprehension? If being able to communicate is sexy then how much more is it when two people honestly understand each other? How much more sexier is that? And yes I used honestly. But it’s in a different context so I’m good! 😉😉😉. Comprehension takes place when one actually cares to understand. In the Latin form it means to seize. Look at me trying to know language. Ha! 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️. But no think about it. You have to seize the moment. Stop what you’re doing and give yourself to the person you’re talking to. So I’d give comprehension a level above sexy. Which is what? 🤔🤔🤔. Ok San, lets bring it back in now. 🤣🤣🤣

Misunderstandings can destroy a good thing. But when the understanding is clear my oh my the vibes get to flowing and BAM, just like that, you are on to something. 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽. So I’m grateful that we were able to talk to each other and better yet comprehend what each other was saying. Moving right along…..

I don’t ever think it’s really anyone’s intention to hurt someone they care about or love. But as I’m sure you have experienced as well, not talking never works in anyone favor. I don’t care what educational level the people are on if you can’t talk and comprehend each other it’s just not gone work. And the sad part is that two people that were probably meant to be or could be will not be simply because no one wanted to come together and reason. Everyone wanted to be right. Well I’ve come to the conclusion that, “to hell with being right.” I don’t care if I’m ever right. I’ve wanted something for a long time but settled for something instead of waiting and communicating exactly what I wanted. I don’t know if it was fear or pride, either way I’ve decided to fight for my fairy tale ending. And after yesterday I just don’t believe that I’m fighting alone. (I so wanted to say honestly, but I won’t use it twice in one post). That was an inside joke.

I think a lot. Again I’m an analyst by professional. So just as I can crunch numbers as quick as an excel spreadsheet, I can ponder upon something until I pass out. Sometimes that alone can be draining. But in my opinion its totally worth it if the end results makes things better.

So, let’s communicate. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you were clear in delivering a message and later learned that everything you were saying was taken a totally different way? How did that make you feel? What did you do to correct the misunderstanding? Has it changed the way you communicate?