Sis be careful who you call Sister. I don’t care if she is your sister from your parent. Sisterhood is PROVEN through valley experiences!
All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7
I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.
Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.
I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!
I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!
I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.
I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.
Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.
Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.
Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.
I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.
Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.
I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.
I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.
I’m such a basic woman. Meaning I just like the basics. You know a clean house. A decent ride. Some tennis. Tuna, salad, pineapple juice and cranberry juice. I LOVE love. I love puppies. I have two beautiful Maltese that love me dearly and I love them back. Of course I love my beautiful three children and my granny. Other than that I believe I’m just basic. Oh I can’t forget fashion, traveling, and the spa. That’s not too bad, right!
I was told I have too much time on my hand by someone that I cared a lot about. I was also told that I go too much and I stay too busy by someone that I met about 4 years ago and whom I’ve grown to respect. So which is it? Do I have too much time on my hand or do I stay too busy? Well both statements were made during different seasons of my life. One was made recently and one was made a few years ago. Well the truth is as of now when I’m not working I do have time to do other things and that’s what I do. I read and write. Watch the news and tennis. Go watch live tennis. Work out every so often and chill with my puppies. I’d say I’m not as busy as I use to be. I did use to stay on the go. Not so much now. Been there. Done that. Have all sorts of proof and evidence. I’m good now. So I’m more reserve and laid back now. I’ve always been a home body though. If I’m ever in Texas you’d find me at home or church. I’d go get my toes and nails done and to the spa and gym and back home. I don’t like clubs or parties so there’s not a lot of places for me to go when I’m home.
Walking and running always allow me to clear some space in my head. I got up this morning and walked for a hour. It felt good. So now I’m back home just soaking and listening to music. Times like these are so stress free and relaxing. I love it. I enjoy the down time. Especially in the comfort of my own house. Days like these are needed. I need that me time. That alone time to just chill, think, and relax.
Last night I went to church and my it was just what I needed. I have a friend here visiting me from Baltimore whom has been going through some similar things so I asked her if she’d like to attend church and she said yes. I’m so glad she said yes because I know had she not said she wanted to go I wouldn’t have gone. But the word was spoken directly to me. The nerves of me to walk and act like I don’t know what Jesus has done for me. The message really dealt with me. I woke up this morning and turned my face into my pillows and got out an ugly prayer. I mean I prayed. But I’m back at “not my will but your will oh Lord be done.” Asking Jesus to help me completely surrender to him, AGAIN! I’m believing it will be so too.
I spent the last two days crying out for something that I wanted. I had never done that before. NEVER! This being authentic in every area of my life is a challenge at times. I’m such an old soul. I just don’t agree with a lot of this advance stuff. But in being authentic that means with my emotions and my feelings too. In every area of my life. You know the word says we have not because we ask not. So I’ve spent the last two days asking for what I want. It wasn’t hard at all I just had to be venerable. I had to accept the fact that the answer maybe no. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear no. As a matter of fact I know I didn’t want to hear no. But I took a deep swallow and began sharing my feelings and asking for what I want. Now I still haven’t gotten a verbal response yet. So that can be either a good or bad sign. Or I can simply assume the answer is no. I’m not 100% sure which direction I’ll take. Right now I’ve decided to get back to blogging. I hadn’t blogged in over a week. To be honest I’ve been working on this post for over a week. I just couldn’t stay focused for some reason. I’d start and about two or three minutes into the post I’d lose focus and put it away. So this is one of those post that will have several themes or topics. I apologize for that.
Is life really a game? And if so is it a game of chess or something similar to Mr. Potato Head? Hmmm I don’t know! If I had a guess I’d say chess because I believe there’s a strategy to living. Then I’d ask why do so many grown folks treat it as if it’s a game of Mr. Potato Head? Why so many faces when you were ONLY blessed with one!
I don’t know a whole lot and there is a saying that you can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different result. From that statement and my past experience one would say I need to try something different. 🤔🤔🤔
I have about four female friends that I talk to regularly via voice or text message almost daily. They all tell me the same thing, “you need to get out and date San,” however something in my insides just doesn’t want to do things different. I don’t know how to date. I don’t even know where to go. I don’t even want to go no where. I mean I’ve said it over and over that I like me. I love me. I like my ways and my thoughts. I like the things my granny and my Aunt Barbara taught me as a young lady growing out. One would say their advice is outdated. It’s not with the 21st century. But why must I behave and think like people of today. The games. The evil. The selfishness. The fighting and lying. The deceit and betrayals. The having it your way or no way! Oh the games! I don’t want to conform to any of that. I believe that most people today have it all wrong. Hmmmm! I mean I’m not right but what I’ve experienced is not something I want to imitate. 🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️🙅🏽♀️
I question my reality at times. I question rather I should start thinking more current. It’s like sometimes I have conversations with myself and EVERY time I’m done talking to myself I come right back to nope San don’t do it. Even if it means being by yourself don’t do it. I know people that I’ve been knowing for years and they’re different today. I know we’re suppose to change and grow but I believe those morals and values has to remain solid. Saying yes ma’am, respecting your body, not stealing, you know the basics should remain solid.o
Those that know me know that it’s no secret that me and monogamous relationships haven’t been successful. I’ve tried older than, YEARS older than me, and same age. Nope! Nothing works. I can’t go younger because I have adult children that I care about their opinion of me. Problem is I’m the common denominator in all of them. So reason would say, “San perhaps it’s you.” Then I go and do an inventory of the things I could do different. Spontaneous was something that was brought to my attention. I need to be more spontaneous. Open minded. What does it even mean to be open minded? Does it mean I should agree with society norms? I don’t believe in most of it. Even the wrong that I do I struggle often time with the reality that I did it over in the midnight hours. I love children and puppies. I even like cats now. So I’m suppose to accept it if someone goes and have a baby on me? Cook, clean, work, pay bills. Okay I’m cool with that to a degree. Cooking, if I’m not cooking as long as you get a good healthy meal with love is that not cool? If I’m not able to clean can I pay for someone to come clean? I don’t mind working. I prefer having my own business but if I must work outside the home I’m cool with that. My babies are grown now. Paying bills, now today’s society believe in 50/50. Nope I disagree. Completely disagree. I still believe in a man providing and protecting a woman. Circumstances arises where the woman must pay the bill and I’m cool with that. But going in there needs to be a clear understanding that as my man you can afford to provide for me and you’re able to protect me. I don’t need much. If there are goals that were both trying to work towards then we come together and put a plan together so that the goal is met and in a timely manner I’m cool with that. I hear nobody talking spiritual goals though. How come that’s not discussed more. How about a man leading his woman in prayer. Heck I’d be willing to lead us in prayer. But pray, period! How come it’s not as important as the sex and the money? Hmmmm yeah okay! Shoot even with the men you meet that do believe in Jesus that’s often not mentioned. They may ask if you’re catholic or baptist but that’s about it. This is just from my experience and point of view. I don’t have a lot of experience so these are just my observations.
Okay so check this out, last year I met a guy, a fraternity brother. Christian. Real estate agent. I thought a straight up guy. Good possible friend. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. For sure not one of kissing and sexing. I even showed him a picture of me and my friend girl from high school, Carla. He inquired about her and I was willing to introduce them. But she lives in Chicago and he wasn’t interested in long distance relationships, so he said. I did some financials for him and we begin to talk. He knew my situation, I’m too honest and or open I guess. So I don’t know if he thought I was weak or something but this joker invited me out so we went to Paradise Cafe, I’m a cheap date when it comes to eating, and eating ONLY. Why after purchasing me a salad he thought the payback was a kiss and staying the night at his place? Who thinks like this? 21st Century huh? I’m no whore but if that was my modus operandi, I’d think one would need to do more than buy me a $18 salad. That’s 21st Century thinking? Heck I’ll buy you a $18 salad and not expect a kiss or nothing in return. Anyways needless to say I told this older man about himself. Now those that know me know that my lips can be slippery at times. So now I didn’t say it like one would talk to a six year old. However I didn’t use one curse word. I didn’t roll my eyes nor my neck. But I had to let it be known that I wasn’t that woman. So to my friend girls that tell me to go out and just date I don’t know. 🧐🧐🧐. I met another gentleman. He’s a CPA works in non profit. I’m interested in getting my 501c3 up and going so we spoke about it. I lie not people, I tell everybody I meet that I’m not looking for a relationship if that comes up. There is only one person I’d want to be intimate with. There is no secret about it. Just recently a friend girl told me stop saying that but it’s my truth. I feel like I have to be up front with these 21st century men. So you know where this conversation went right? Yeap down south. Dude you’re not my type. You’re short. Big belly. Ugly teeth. You’re not my type. Nothing about you is attractive to me. I didn’t even see the guy as a possible date. I was thinking strictly networking.
So what am I saying or not saying to make men think that I’m some easy catch? Is it the smile? The smile is ME. I can’t help that. I’m sure I’m NOT the only female that smiles. Okay just in case my readers don’t know, I’m silly. I’m goofy. Always has been. It’s my character. You can’t ask me to change that. Why would I anyways. I have a few friend guys that I talk to and the consensus is that I’m too small for them so it can’t be my size. Most men want the TTAS, that’s thicker than a sneaker for those that’s not hip! 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. Lol! So what is it. I don’t believe that I’m leading anybody on because I flat foot tell folks I’m not looking for a man. At least these two in this post. In talking to myself I believe it’s the 21st century jacked up ways of thinking.
In general I don’t honestly think black men are attracted to me. I think outside my natural hair I have the old fashion white girl look. I say old fashion because today’s white girls are built like the traditional black woman. Yes I said built. 🤐🤐🤐. But hey to each it’s own. I’m surely not mad nor am I hating. I love my long legs and my thinness. Actually I love it. I wish I were smaller. That’s no secret. If it was it’s not now. 😮😮😮. Anyways white men approach me almost daily. It’s interesting and thought provoking because I’ve never dated outside my race. But their approach here lately has been so disrespectful and condescending. I’ve had men to offer me out on dates for money and to smile for money. I know Trump is our president but I’m not for purchase. And honestly I could never be a prostitute because my prices would be too high and my service would be sub par. Remember I’m not with the 21st century way of thinking and doing. 🤭🤭🤭. I’d end up in an ally dead. I surely would be on some corner. And men couldn’t just talk to me any ole kind of way. What’s up with that?
Anyways these are the thoughts and experiences of SAM. I don’t know if any of you have anything common with anything that I’ve shared here but if you do please comment. If you haven’t and had any insight to share with me then please comment and help me out. I normally come here to encourage but I’m not sure if this post does any of that today. Today was probably more of a mental dump. I blog from conversations and interactions that I’ve had. So this time I think I’m the one in need of encouragement. 💆🏽♀️💆🏽♀️💆🏽♀️
I started blogging years ago. Like back in 2008-9 I believe. I use to blog about business type matters. Then life happened and now that’s what I blog about. I come here and be authentic because for so many years I didn’t deal with myself. And because I didn’t deal with myself it gave an appearance that I was all that. You know, doing well! Well it was partially the truth. I am all that! 😍😍. And I was doing well and still is. Back then my wellness was made up in stuff. How much money I could make. What I could drive. My buying power. How much traveling I could do. My wellness now is my peace, my health, my mental state, and still of course my appearance. I’d admit I’m sort of vain. I’m hard on myself. I don’t like being fat. Thin works best for me. I’ve been both. I’ve decided that I love thin better. Nothing against fat, thick, big boned, whatever y’all want to call it. That’s good for others but not for me. Just like I feel beautiful in dresses. Some feel beautiful in pants. It’s okay. Do what makes sense to you is my advice. 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️.
This picture is me trying to be thin. About six pounds too big but I’m working on a plan. Give me a minute. I’ve gotten candy out of my system so now I’m working on putting down the chips and getting back to my workouts. My eating has always been a problem for me. I don’t eat enough of the right foods and can go days literally just eating junk food. But when I do eat I typically do eat the right foods. 💪🏽💪🏽
This picture is me when I was fat. I tried to find the ugliest picture of myself. But seeing that I’m vain I don’t have many of the ones really showing the three rows of fat on my back and stomach. Neck rolls and dark inner thighs. I hid them well. I had gotten up to a size 10. Bigger than I was while having three babies. I was miserable. I didn’t want to leave the house except for work or church and mandatory pampering. It was bad. The years were 2006-2008. I had gone into a deep depression. My self esteem was somewhere in the negative. We did a family road trip from Dallas, Texas to LA in 2007 and something about the way the women carried themselves out there inspired me. I saw big women, small women, skinny women, fat women, ugly women, drop dead gorgeous women and the ONE thing they all appeared to have in common was their walk. They walked in heels. Head held high. They moved about with confidence. All this was my opinion. Who knows, they could have been faking it but I needed to see that. I got back to Dallas went on a no sugar diet. Had a salad for the first time in my life and then hired a trainer. I was determined to feel good about myself again.
I don’t know how my post went this way. 🤷🏾♀️🤷🏾♀️. I also read that you’re not suppose to use emojis when you’re writing non-fiction too. Oh well I wear them out in almost all my post. 😀😀 so I don’t know, does that make me a rebel? I get off track easily too. I’m sure that’s adult ADHD. But hey whatever. I told you I come here to be authentic. So this is the no judgement zone, okay! I do care about doing things the right way believe it or not. But I’m also a little bit more care free in my older days. My post are typically more in line with the title of it. Maybe I can bring it back in. We shall see. 😜😜
I woke up this morning sore in my body. I told myself last night I was going to just lay in the bed all day and watch tennis. Thank God I have some important things to do so that I can get up and out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Plus I can stay in bed all day and watch tennis and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. 💪🏽🎾. But I’m going to get up and get out. Plus I’m sure I’ll be hyper today because I had tea this morning. 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️. Lol!
So back to me being encouraged on today. I really am. New day. New grace and mercies! Why not be encouraged. Everything not like I want them but hey it’ll probably never be that way. So hopefully I’m not looking for encouragement in hoping for everything to go my way anyways. It has to be something deeper. It just has to be. And it is. I’m encouraged on today because again I’m awake and alive. I had a beautiful Saturday evening and Sunday morning. Although I’m a little sick, I’m happy. I could’ve allowed a situation to take me under but I raised above it. I’m able to forgive now. Something I’ve not always been able to do. I don’t have any anger in my heart, TODAY, LOL! I’m being honest here okay! I’m saying today for I don’t know what tomorrow holds. 🙏🏽🙏🏽
This photo speaks volumes. I know how to do this now. I honestly do. And I also still know how to love the person and if needed still help the person. Now that’s something to be encouraged about. You see I use to hold grudges. And I could hold them for years, literally. So when people tell me they hold grudges I know what they mean. I also pray one day they’ll be delivered from that sickness though. It profits them nothing. Trust me. Often times the person you’re holding the grudge against don’t even care one way or another. It’s like forgiveness. It’s not about them nor is it for them. It’s about you and it’s for YOU. You’re the one that’s needing the release. You know often times we wonder why we stressed and tired. A lot of times it’s what’s going on internally. Things we are not dealing with. I’m such a huge advocate for counseling and/or therapy now. My Lord it’s a life saver I promise. Doesn’t take the place of prayer but it’s helpful.
I’ll end with this. You have to honestly do the work on yourself. If not you become a problem to your own situation. Been there. Done that. I have the T-Shirt to prove it. So basically I’m encouraged on today because of the tools I’ve gained over the past year or so to learn how to deal with things. I use to get low and go into the fetal position, you know a dark place. I no longer do that. I’m learning to accept what IS. I’m dealing with my issues and things are looking and feeling good for me. I’m encouraged on today because of that. I’m hopeful that I’ll get my body the way I want it to be. I’m grateful that I’m constantly working on my mental strength. I’m blessed that I can love even when I’m not loved back or don’t feel loved. It’s about working on Sandra. Self-Care is real and I’m owning it. No longer will I be making excuses or blaming someone else for issues. My sanity. Now when I take inventory I can see where I had a huge play in my upheavals. So today I encourage you to do the work. Take the inventory. Be honest with yourself. Accept what IS and if you don’t like what IS begin to work on changing it. You owe it to yourself!