Sisterhood

Sis be careful who you call Sister. I don’t care if she is your sister from your parent. Sisterhood is PROVEN through valley experiences!

Are you really my Sister?

LOVE

All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7

I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.

LOVE

What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.

Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.

Our words are life or death. Choose wisely!

I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!

I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!

LOVE is!

I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.

I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.

I’ll travel for LOVE!

Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.

LOVE never fails!

Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.

Y’all know I’m goofy!

Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.

I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.

Relationship Goals!

Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.

Love is within the HEART!

I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.

Jesus is LOVE!

I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.

Regardless what love is to you the struggle and the goal is to make LOVE last!

What does it mean to act white?

What does it mean when you’re black and another black person tells you you act like a white woman? Is that offensive or what? How do white women act? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been a white woman.

I LOVE my Blackness

I’ve heard this throughout my life that I act like a white girl and I looked like a white girl. It’s never bothered me before, but when it comes from somebody you like it feels different. Sort of like hmmmm. Wonder what they really mean. Or what they really think of me? It’s sort of disrespectful. Me and this person go way back and it hasn’t been until recently that they told me this. I sort of respect their opinions but this one has me feeling some kind of way.

I’m Pro Black

I use to not mind being called a white girl in regards to my body shape because back in the day white women where tall and thin and so am I. But in 2019 you see white women built like Serena Williams. Now I don’t know if they are buying these bodies or what! Every social media sight I’m on you see the white models telling you to do squats and/or lunges to get this perfect round butt. All I know is that I’ve squatted my knees out and I still don’t have a butt! So I tell myself that I just have a Sandra body. I’m Sandra and that’s awesome! I love my long legs and thin figure! I love that my inner thighs don’t rub. I’ve been told I have an athletic body. I’ll take that even though I’m totally NOT athletic.

Better get you a Sandra. Although there’s only one ME!

Back to this act like a white woman mess. The examples I was given is that I look like the type that would live in Buckhead Atlanta and walk my puppies with a big brim hat! What the what? LOL! So only white women do that? Isn’t that like thinking white women are more socially astute than black women? That’s condescending in my opinion. Another thing I was called out on was the fact that I’m rebuilding my credit. My credit took a lick a few years ago because me and my SOON to be EX made a financial decision that he didn’t uphold his part of the bargain. So, I was speaking on how excited I was that my score is on the rise. They go, “ain’t no black person thinking about credit.” Huh? Really? No black person is thinking about their credit!!! That’s crazy to me. Like flat foot crazy. Mind you this person says they have excellent credit and they are black. I wonder if the person thinks I’m having an identity crisis. And if so when did that begin? In their opinion. I think for the most part I’ve been the same. I’ve gain some weight. As they always say, “heck I’m 50 years old.” Although I’m not. I still have a couple more years. I’m in no rush. Plus I want that credit right by then. LOL! I mean I work a lot now something I’ve never had to do all my life. But that’s cool. This person works all the time too. So I know they respect my hustle. But the whole white woman thing is just totally not correct. I mean I act like a black woman. A beautiful black woman. An intelligent black woman. A black woman that’s putting the pieces of her life back together. Yes I love puppies. I’d love to walk my babies in a beautiful A-line dress and some nice heels and my hair done. But that’s not a white woman thing to me. Yes I love being thin. If I could gain weight and look like the traditional black woman I’d put on about 5 more pounds. Unfortunately my weight doesn’t come on me in such a way. I look like trailer park trash when I gain weight. Mind you I use to live in a trailer home within a trailer park. So I know what I’m talking about. I don’t get the big butt or the shapely thighs. I get HUGE breast. My inner thighs touch and my stomach and back get rows. None of which are cute on me. So I prefer to remain small. Also, I think my breast are still a lit bit too big (from when I did gain weight and looked liked trailer park trash, cute trailer park trash nonetheless) but oh well. It is what it is. I’m worrying about getting my credit back right and getting my savings back right so the breast will have to just be grateful for being cancer free. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I’m cute!

Can’t leave this white woman mess along. It’s stuck in my spirit. I love my blackness. As a matter of fact those that know me know I tan every year. I even go to the tanning salon and lay in a number 5 bronzer bed. So I’m super proud of my blackness. I don’t ever want to be white nor do I want white people tendencies. Whatever they are. My long legs are a blessing from my dad. My slim body is too. My loving spirit in general, I get from my Grandma. I’m very proud of that characteristic of mine. The fact that I’m culturally astute is because I’ve lived, I’ve traveled, and I’ve experienced life. I see nothing wrong with my way of living. I don’t bother nobody. I’ll help anybody and I love everybody. My Lord what a gift from Jesus.

And it’s beautiful just like ME

Embrace Your WOW Factor!

I started reading in 2017 and I can’t stop. At some point I need to put these books down and take action. However, every time I start, I see another good book, help me please! I need an intervention. But no not really! I try not to buy more books, I promise I do but I’ll pass it up and not buy it but It’ll stay in my mind. Before you know it I’m on Amazon buying the book.

I want to speak about a book I just read by Mrs. Paris Love titled, Embrace Your WOW Factor, 7 Ways to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses. I read this book yesterday. You will not stop till you finish reading it, I promise! It’s a quick read filled with golden nuggets that resonates with you. As you know I blog a lot about the emotional and mental trauma I’ve experienced. This sister here is on point with her steps to advance you beyond the hurt and pain. You can purchase your very own copy at EMBRACE Your WOW Factor: 7 Steps to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses https://www.amazon.com/dp/1692855913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EYJJDbD4MKMN0. And while you there order a copy for a friend girl like I did. I’d love to start an online book group to discuss the information that this book reveals.

A MUST Read!

People ask me all the time why do I forgive so easily. Or folks don’t understand how you can forgive someone for molesting your child. Or a spouse that has had a child on you while you’re still married. Honestly it’s not for anyone to understand. I can tell you that I often times don’t want to forgive. The easy thing is to stay in the pain. Have a pity party. Accuse the person of all their evil. Hold the grudge. Constantly lash out at them for the hurt. Question I have is what does that profit? They say San how can you smile through all you’ve been through? My question back to them is, how can I NOT smile through what I’ve been through. Regardless to what I’ve been through I have no need or desire to complain. Now mind you I went through phases where I wanted the first hubby killed, literally. And the second one I busted a vase over his head and damaged his precious baby, his convertible BMW. But it was for a season. I’m able to care and love both of them. Don’t wish either of them no harm. For after all that, I realized it was time to deal with Sandra. Renew Sandra. Fix Sandra. Love on Sandra! So I began counseling and put the work in.

As Mrs. Love spoke about balance and taking care of you in her book, I felt it all. When a person doesn’t take care of themselves, I call it being a busy body. Distractions. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re not taking care of ourselves because we clean up so well. We look soo good on the outside while the inside is literally deteriorating. I was fabulous at doing it all. I’d pay the $300 for the sew-in. I’d buy the hair bundles for $400 plus. I’d pay $2000 for the Valentino bag! Yes I did all that and some. But I was broken in the inside. See I was a busy body my entire life. I started having children early and got married early. Actually I’ve been married my entire adult life. And yes I love the institution of marriage! However my busy body activities were always trying to be a perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend. Give back to the community. Look out for others. I went through phases of blaming myself for years. See I know the word of God. Even when I’m not living it I know it. I beat myself up because I felt that had I been praying and watching as the Bible instructed then I would have known what was going on in my house. But I thank God for counseling and this book. And how I’m still learning to NOT blame myself and to STOP apologizing. The steps that Mrs. Love speaks about in her book that I love so much are biblical. It’s not Jesus desire for us to live under all this hurt and pain. And magnifying someone’s wrong doing does nothing for you. Often times when we hurt somebody it’s not the person that’s getting hurt that it’s about, it’s about the person that’s committing the actions. They’re dealing with their own demons. I learned this the hard way. When somebody hurts you, you want that person to suffer and suffer long. But when you in the mercy seat you want favor. You want understanding. You want forgiveness. I’m telling you I know what I’m talking about because I’ve experienced this. Let that mess go. Let it all go. Focus on you. Get help. I saw this and it hit the point the book and myself are encouraging us all to do.

Try it! Daily!

I also had to learn to stop with the negative talking. I’m broke. He hurt me. I’m tired. All that negative talking picks up momentum the more you feed it. So I had to learn to change my thought process. I still catch myself doing and I try to switch it up. I’m not broke. Stop buying dresses and going to watch tennis when you know you don’t have the money, which is probably NOT gone happen. I’m just being honest here! Sis the book speaks on all that. The Bible even teaches us that’s it’s not what goes in the body that defiles the temple. It’s what comes out. It teaches us there is life and death in the tongue. I love reading. Absolutely love it. And I only read self-help, non-fiction and autobiographies, biographies, and memoirs. But guess what? Everything we need is in those 66 books! I promise you. The Holy Bible is THE Book!

Mrs. Love speaks of living in the NOW! How many of you know that the word of God teaches us to take no thought for tomorrow? Look it up. It’s in there. Why worry about tomorrow? It has its own issues. Plus he said if he feeds the birds how much more will he do for us. The bird don’t be flying around stressed and worried. Sis again, let that mess go. Take in today. It’s beautiful. We miss so much worrying about tomorrow and yesterday too. Here’s a problem that I have. Something happens, let’s say on Monday. I shake it off or really don’t even realize it happened. Come Wednesday I’m all the way back in Monday analyzing what happened. How crazy is that? But I do this. It’s stressful. It’s unnecessary. Don’t let me go to that person. They be like, “San gone with all that!” I’m telling you thats crazy huh? But I do that. But guess what I can work on that. And it all starts with me.

Also I like how she recognized she had to go through her experiences to get the book! Yes sisters. There is a book in us. Don’t feel bad. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t force something that won’t fit. Go through. Get the testimony. Get the book! My Lord I felt that. I was just sharing with a sister that I have this burning in my belly that gives me anxiety because I want so very badly to tell and share my story because I know it’ll help others. She encouraged me to step out on faith and I know she’s right. But I know my weakest characteristic is patience. I have none. I was talking a friend on yesterday about working on getting myself back together. Sometimes I get discouraged because I can’t do the things I use to do. That right there is a negative thought process because that’s living in the past. See I’m not there either Sis but I’m working on it. We will all get there is we acknowledge it and put the work in. Take day by day and step by step.

Romans 12:3

I think over the years I’ve convinced myself that I was this perfect mom and wife. Well the truth of matter is that I wasn’t. And I’m not. I wasn’t faithful. I think I’ve justified my lies and deceit because it was always with the same guy over the years. But reality is a lie is a lie. I will never be perfect nor do I have a desire to be. However I do have a desire to always strive to be a better version of myself. Sometimes to others that can look like being ungrateful but I know that it’s me striving and thriving. Something that I wholeheartedly believe in. Perhaps that’s the real truth why I can forgive so easily. I don’t know.

Anyways sisters get the book. Read the book. Pray. Seek help. Learn to get you a daily praise. Get yourself by yourself and start dealing with YOU. What I’ve come to realize is that most of our hardship begins with US. it’s something going on in the insides. But one thing I do know is the struggles, the battles, the let downs, the upsets, the heartbreaks, they all come to build character. They’re not for our destruction. You can live after the pain. As a matter of fact you will live after the hurt. But it’s going to be up to you how you choose to live. I love you and I love this book. Mrs. Paris Love thank you for this gem. Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for being authentic!

Adulting on Social Media

Let’s talk about being an adult. This post is from my eyes. I think my eyes are relatively okay because I’ve had LASIK surgery. However I do need reading glasses now. Any who, let’s discuss what it is to be an adult. What some of the behaviors should be of an adult. And let’s make it relate to social media some how.

It’s interesting!

I remember sitting on my front porch watching all the kids on the block and thinking to myself, I can’t wait to get grown so I can do what I want to do. My granny nor my aunts and uncles thought I should be outside running up and down the streets like the other children. Little girls were suppose to look cute and sit pretty. Not run around and sweat and get funky. Huh? That’s exactly what I should’ve been doing. But nooooo I had to sit on the porch and look cute. Lord k las back in my day you didn’t dare talk back and get flip at the lip like these kids do. Noooo way! But my oh my I could’ve really said some things. But now as an adult I can play and still be pretty.

Sitting Pretty! 🤣🤣

See I thought and still do think that as an adult I don’t have to lie. I don’t have to pretend. I can speak my mind. My yes is a yes and my no is a no. I’m able to apologize when I make a mistake. I TRY to mind my own business. I typed try in all capital letters because I literally try. Not perfected it yet.

Trying to mind my own business

On social media I don’t “slide” in people boxes. This term “slide” is new for me. I learned it earlier this year from my daughter and my nephew. I thought it was cute. It meant to come by my place or where ever am at. But noooo, I’m learning that it’s what grown people do to other grown people in their inboxes. It’s also called DM, direct message. My people this is not cute. This is not a characteristic of adulting. I want you all to stop this. Now if you’re going to “slide” to introduce me to a business or a product or to give me warning I’ll accept that. But to call me baby or sexy, that’s a no no. Grown people that’s not right. Again this is seen through my vision. I also think that grown people should stop with things like GM, WYD, HRU, unless you know the person. Unless you have established this line of communicating. But if you’re “sliding” in someone inbox for the first time this is a turn off. And trust me no one wants to be called baby if you don’t know them unless you’re a rapper. If you’re going to “slide” address the person by their name. Also I’m old school, sexy has a sexual connotation to me so if you don’t know me you shouldn’t approach me in that manner. Thus again another turn off. See it’s just too much you don’t know about the person you’re contacting or “sliding” to. That’s why it’s just not a good thing to do. Now there are dating apps that perhaps these behaviors maybe welcomed. For some. But as for me I just don’t like it. I got on a dating app last year and it vexed me. I couldn’t take it. Those people didn’t even know me and to say they wanted to get to know me was just nasty. I was like why? So I had to really ask myself then why are you on here San? I deleted the app after a week. I would get 50 email alerts a day. Are we really this desperate to be with someone? I had to ask myself that. So as for me I’m not looking to mate on social media. But back to being an adult on social media, stop all that foolish behavior. If you’re looking to date from social media, request to be a friend and follow the person. You can tell who I am and what I’m about with what I post. As a matter of fact I just told a cat this Monday. I politely asked him to not “slide” in my inbox any more.

Be smart about it! Please!

I love people. I’ll talk to anybody. Literally. I do it for a living. And I smile. I smile a lot. I don’t know. For the most part I’m a happy person. My life maybe in chaos but I see beyond it. I’ve had a beautiful life. Some struggles. Ups and downs here and there. Some break ups and make ups. Disappointing times but honestly my good outweighs my bad so I’m good. I have more peace than not. I have nothing to complain about. So, yes I smile a lot. But trust me I’m not weak. I’m not flirting. Often times I don’t even see you. I’m just going about my day. It’s easier for me to think on my good than my bad. My good makes me smiles. You have no idea what goes on in this old head of mine.

I stay thinking!

So basically I just wanted to come here and vent out a little frustration because I feel like this past year I’ve been getting punked. People coming at me at all angles on social media. Know that I’m not looking to find my man on social media. I’m not looking period. I love people. I love interacting with people. Especially if you love tennis, spas, shopping, or traveling. So if we are vibing that still doesn’t mean I want to be with you. Just lay low. Chill out. Let’s just chat. Don’t be disrespectful. Problem is you may feel you’re not being disrespectful and that’s because you really don’t know me. You don’t know what I like or don’t like. Right now I’m stuck in 1995 so I’m telling you until I deal with me I’m not a good fit for you because I’ll get with you and tell you some ole stupid ish like if I’ll cheat on you with some joker I knew from years past. You don’t want that nor do you deserve it. Grown people stop “sliding” in these inboxes on social media. It’s not cool. It’s not adulting behavior in my humblest opinion.

Coming from my heart!

Now go and sin no more or shall I say, “slide” no more. Be encouraged on today.

Peace! ✌🏽✌🏽

Do as I say not as I do

We’ve all heard this before, do as I say not as I do. I was told this as a child and I’ve told my children this. And if I haven’t said it directly I’ve said it indirectly. Is it right to feel this way? I don’t know. I never really thought about it till now.

I have three children and I’ve taught them not to lie, steal, or cheat. Don’t go around hurting people feelings. Stand up for yourselves. Speak your truth. I’ve told my sons not to mistreat a lady. Don’t screw a female in your parents house and not in the car. I told them if they can’t afford to take her to a nice hotel then they don’t deserve the cookies. I’ve told them to never allow their girl to touch the door to enter nor exit. Always allow the female to walk on the inside. That they’re suppose to pay when they go out on dates. I taught all three of them to tip the waitress. If you can’t afford to tip then go buy fast food. Everything that I just mentioned are things that I’ve not done myself. Still I wanted these morals and values to be instilled in my children.

My daughter, I told her to know her worth. I always told her she was beautiful. She was a mess as a little girl. It was her way or no way, even at school. She’s always had a strong personality and a mother instinct. She had a thing with limousine. So when she was a child I made sure she road in one for leisure a few times. I made sure she went to the hair salon weekly. Got her toes and nails done. I made sure she got facials and massages. I made sure she wore the best clothes and shoes. I did all this so a man couldn’t easily entice her with stuff. As a family we took road trips and went on vacations. Every year for their birthdays I tried to get all three of them everything they wanted and more. Not tried, I did.

I told them not eat junk food. Eat their vegetables. Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. Don’t sleep around. Stay out the clubs. Don’t be out in those streets, they’ll age you. You can’t beat them. I made my children read books. Well the older two. My daughter is the oldest. For years she had to iron her and and her two brothers clothes every Sunday night for the entire week. I made them wake up every Saturday morning to clean the house, early, and I mean early. I also taught them not to sleep all day. Get up early because the early bird catches the worms. Did I do all these things? Nope not all but most of them I did. Regardless if I did them or not I thought the above mentioned things were vital to my children success. To their growth into adulthood. And guess what? For the most part my children do most of these things still. Of course they do things that I told them not to do. They are now 29, 27, and 22 years old. So they have to hold fast to that that works for them and lay other things down that don’t.

I know I’ve mentioned before that I’m old school. I believe in the old way. This new age stuff don’t get me. I don’t relate to most of it. Children talking back to their parents, fighting their parents, disrespecting them, I don’t get none of that. It vexes me. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t say I deserve the mother of year award. I don’t think that my way of parenting was perfect. I made a lot of mistakes. My Lord a lot. But what I will say is that I did my BEST. I did what I felt was right in my heart. If I had to redo it I can’t honestly say I’d do something different.

I raised my babies in church. I taught them to pray. To forgive. To love. Take care of those that were less fortunate. Be respectful. Be a giver and not just receive. I didn’t raise them on holidays. They never had a valentine, Easter bunny, tooth fairy, trick nor a treat, and surely not Christmas. I told them every since they were ankle high that they don’t have nobody but each other. They’ve been doing community service events since they were literally babies. My goal was that I wanted them to be good abiding citizens. I wanted them to know Jesus. Have a prayer life. Know who to call when they needed help. I wanted them to always be there for each other.

Now with all that I also believed in chastisement and punishment. My children will tell you I beat their behinds real good. They won’t say it like that though. My daughter and my baby boy will be overly dramatic when they share their stories about being chastised. I told them a police will never have to touch them because they will know how to behave. Thus far my prophecy is true. All three of my babies are very respectful children. Doing well in life. Holding themselves down. Are they perfect? What a stupid question for none of us are. But they are my perfect babies. Each one adds a different dimension of life to me. Me and the older two grew up together. The baby boy was my first real baby because I had to do him alone. No granny’s and aunts and uncle just me and his dad. He’d cry and we’d ask each other what’s wrong. Neither one of us knew. The older two thinks he’s more spoil. I think all three were spoiled.

Anyways even after typing this the title says do as I say and not as I do. How do I feel about that statement? I still think that children were placed under the leadership of parents and it’s our responsibility to raise them and protect them. To nourish them. Chastise them. Love them. Show them the world. I did my best to all of that. Yes I do think that children should do as they are told and not as their parents do. But I also think that parents should be role models so if they do so happen to do as they see their parents do it won’t be something bad. I’ve done bad things. Even if my children didn’t see me do it I told them. This has been a curse and a blessing for me. My children have used my bad and tried to hold it against and try to hurt me with it. Perhaps I’ve done the same. Some don’t believe in chastisement. So I often wonder if they feel when I was beating their behinds is I was using their wrong against them. My granny taught me to spare the rod spoil the child. This parenting is an ever learning journey. I’m still learning and adjusting. I have very strong morals and values that I’m not willing to change with the times of today but day by day and grace by grace Jesus is dealing with me and I’m grateful. To all the families out there be encouraged and hang in there. We gone make it. Down but not out!

All over the place

I’m such a basic woman. Meaning I just like the basics. You know a clean house. A decent ride. Some tennis. Tuna, salad, pineapple juice and cranberry juice. I LOVE love. I love puppies. I have two beautiful Maltese that love me dearly and I love them back. Of course I love my beautiful three children and my granny. Other than that I believe I’m just basic. Oh I can’t forget fashion, traveling, and the spa. That’s not too bad, right!

I was told I have too much time on my hand by someone that I cared a lot about. I was also told that I go too much and I stay too busy by someone that I met about 4 years ago and whom I’ve grown to respect. So which is it? Do I have too much time on my hand or do I stay too busy? Well both statements were made during different seasons of my life. One was made recently and one was made a few years ago. Well the truth is as of now when I’m not working I do have time to do other things and that’s what I do. I read and write. Watch the news and tennis. Go watch live tennis. Work out every so often and chill with my puppies. I’d say I’m not as busy as I use to be. I did use to stay on the go. Not so much now. Been there. Done that. Have all sorts of proof and evidence. I’m good now. So I’m more reserve and laid back now. I’ve always been a home body though. If I’m ever in Texas you’d find me at home or church. I’d go get my toes and nails done and to the spa and gym and back home. I don’t like clubs or parties so there’s not a lot of places for me to go when I’m home.

Walking and running always allow me to clear some space in my head. I got up this morning and walked for a hour. It felt good. So now I’m back home just soaking and listening to music. Times like these are so stress free and relaxing. I love it. I enjoy the down time. Especially in the comfort of my own house. Days like these are needed. I need that me time. That alone time to just chill, think, and relax.

Last night I went to church and my it was just what I needed. I have a friend here visiting me from Baltimore whom has been going through some similar things so I asked her if she’d like to attend church and she said yes. I’m so glad she said yes because I know had she not said she wanted to go I wouldn’t have gone. But the word was spoken directly to me. The nerves of me to walk and act like I don’t know what Jesus has done for me. The message really dealt with me. I woke up this morning and turned my face into my pillows and got out an ugly prayer. I mean I prayed. But I’m back at “not my will but your will oh Lord be done.” Asking Jesus to help me completely surrender to him, AGAIN! I’m believing it will be so too.

I spent the last two days crying out for something that I wanted. I had never done that before. NEVER! This being authentic in every area of my life is a challenge at times. I’m such an old soul. I just don’t agree with a lot of this advance stuff. But in being authentic that means with my emotions and my feelings too. In every area of my life. You know the word says we have not because we ask not. So I’ve spent the last two days asking for what I want. It wasn’t hard at all I just had to be venerable. I had to accept the fact that the answer maybe no. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear no. As a matter of fact I know I didn’t want to hear no. But I took a deep swallow and began sharing my feelings and asking for what I want. Now I still haven’t gotten a verbal response yet. So that can be either a good or bad sign. Or I can simply assume the answer is no. I’m not 100% sure which direction I’ll take. Right now I’ve decided to get back to blogging. I hadn’t blogged in over a week. To be honest I’ve been working on this post for over a week. I just couldn’t stay focused for some reason. I’d start and about two or three minutes into the post I’d lose focus and put it away. So this is one of those post that will have several themes or topics. I apologize for that.

Games

Is life really a game? And if so is it a game of chess or something similar to Mr. Potato Head? Hmmm I don’t know! If I had a guess I’d say chess because I believe there’s a strategy to living. Then I’d ask why do so many grown folks treat it as if it’s a game of Mr. Potato Head? Why so many faces when you were ONLY blessed with one!

I don’t know a whole lot and there is a saying that you can’t keep doing the same thing and expecting different result. From that statement and my past experience one would say I need to try something different. 🤔🤔🤔

I have about four female friends that I talk to regularly via voice or text message almost daily. They all tell me the same thing, “you need to get out and date San,” however something in my insides just doesn’t want to do things different. I don’t know how to date. I don’t even know where to go. I don’t even want to go no where. I mean I’ve said it over and over that I like me. I love me. I like my ways and my thoughts. I like the things my granny and my Aunt Barbara taught me as a young lady growing out. One would say their advice is outdated. It’s not with the 21st century. But why must I behave and think like people of today. The games. The evil. The selfishness. The fighting and lying. The deceit and betrayals. The having it your way or no way! Oh the games! I don’t want to conform to any of that. I believe that most people today have it all wrong. Hmmmm! I mean I’m not right but what I’ve experienced is not something I want to imitate. 🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️

I question my reality at times. I question rather I should start thinking more current. It’s like sometimes I have conversations with myself and EVERY time I’m done talking to myself I come right back to nope San don’t do it. Even if it means being by yourself don’t do it. I know people that I’ve been knowing for years and they’re different today. I know we’re suppose to change and grow but I believe those morals and values has to remain solid. Saying yes ma’am, respecting your body, not stealing, you know the basics should remain solid.o

Those that know me know that it’s no secret that me and monogamous relationships haven’t been successful. I’ve tried older than, YEARS older than me, and same age. Nope! Nothing works. I can’t go younger because I have adult children that I care about their opinion of me. Problem is I’m the common denominator in all of them. So reason would say, “San perhaps it’s you.” Then I go and do an inventory of the things I could do different. Spontaneous was something that was brought to my attention. I need to be more spontaneous. Open minded. What does it even mean to be open minded? Does it mean I should agree with society norms? I don’t believe in most of it. Even the wrong that I do I struggle often time with the reality that I did it over in the midnight hours. I love children and puppies. I even like cats now. So I’m suppose to accept it if someone goes and have a baby on me? Cook, clean, work, pay bills. Okay I’m cool with that to a degree. Cooking, if I’m not cooking as long as you get a good healthy meal with love is that not cool? If I’m not able to clean can I pay for someone to come clean? I don’t mind working. I prefer having my own business but if I must work outside the home I’m cool with that. My babies are grown now. Paying bills, now today’s society believe in 50/50. Nope I disagree. Completely disagree. I still believe in a man providing and protecting a woman. Circumstances arises where the woman must pay the bill and I’m cool with that. But going in there needs to be a clear understanding that as my man you can afford to provide for me and you’re able to protect me. I don’t need much. If there are goals that were both trying to work towards then we come together and put a plan together so that the goal is met and in a timely manner I’m cool with that. I hear nobody talking spiritual goals though. How come that’s not discussed more. How about a man leading his woman in prayer. Heck I’d be willing to lead us in prayer. But pray, period! How come it’s not as important as the sex and the money? Hmmmm yeah okay! Shoot even with the men you meet that do believe in Jesus that’s often not mentioned. They may ask if you’re catholic or baptist but that’s about it. This is just from my experience and point of view. I don’t have a lot of experience so these are just my observations.

Okay so check this out, last year I met a guy, a fraternity brother. Christian. Real estate agent. I thought a straight up guy. Good possible friend. I wasn’t looking for a relationship. For sure not one of kissing and sexing. I even showed him a picture of me and my friend girl from high school, Carla. He inquired about her and I was willing to introduce them. But she lives in Chicago and he wasn’t interested in long distance relationships, so he said. I did some financials for him and we begin to talk. He knew my situation, I’m too honest and or open I guess. So I don’t know if he thought I was weak or something but this joker invited me out so we went to Paradise Cafe, I’m a cheap date when it comes to eating, and eating ONLY. Why after purchasing me a salad he thought the payback was a kiss and staying the night at his place? Who thinks like this? 21st Century huh? I’m no whore but if that was my modus operandi, I’d think one would need to do more than buy me a $18 salad. That’s 21st Century thinking? Heck I’ll buy you a $18 salad and not expect a kiss or nothing in return. Anyways needless to say I told this older man about himself. Now those that know me know that my lips can be slippery at times. So now I didn’t say it like one would talk to a six year old. However I didn’t use one curse word. I didn’t roll my eyes nor my neck. But I had to let it be known that I wasn’t that woman. So to my friend girls that tell me to go out and just date I don’t know. 🧐🧐🧐. I met another gentleman. He’s a CPA works in non profit. I’m interested in getting my 501c3 up and going so we spoke about it. I lie not people, I tell everybody I meet that I’m not looking for a relationship if that comes up. There is only one person I’d want to be intimate with. There is no secret about it. Just recently a friend girl told me stop saying that but it’s my truth. I feel like I have to be up front with these 21st century men. So you know where this conversation went right? Yeap down south. Dude you’re not my type. You’re short. Big belly. Ugly teeth. You’re not my type. Nothing about you is attractive to me. I didn’t even see the guy as a possible date. I was thinking strictly networking.

So what am I saying or not saying to make men think that I’m some easy catch? Is it the smile? The smile is ME. I can’t help that. I’m sure I’m NOT the only female that smiles. Okay just in case my readers don’t know, I’m silly. I’m goofy. Always has been. It’s my character. You can’t ask me to change that. Why would I anyways. I have a few friend guys that I talk to and the consensus is that I’m too small for them so it can’t be my size. Most men want the TTAS, that’s thicker than a sneaker for those that’s not hip! 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. Lol! So what is it. I don’t believe that I’m leading anybody on because I flat foot tell folks I’m not looking for a man. At least these two in this post. In talking to myself I believe it’s the 21st century jacked up ways of thinking.

In general I don’t honestly think black men are attracted to me. I think outside my natural hair I have the old fashion white girl look. I say old fashion because today’s white girls are built like the traditional black woman. Yes I said built. 🤐🤐🤐. But hey to each it’s own. I’m surely not mad nor am I hating. I love my long legs and my thinness. Actually I love it. I wish I were smaller. That’s no secret. If it was it’s not now. 😮😮😮. Anyways white men approach me almost daily. It’s interesting and thought provoking because I’ve never dated outside my race. But their approach here lately has been so disrespectful and condescending. I’ve had men to offer me out on dates for money and to smile for money. I know Trump is our president but I’m not for purchase. And honestly I could never be a prostitute because my prices would be too high and my service would be sub par. Remember I’m not with the 21st century way of thinking and doing. 🤭🤭🤭. I’d end up in an ally dead. I surely would be on some corner. And men couldn’t just talk to me any ole kind of way. What’s up with that?

Anyways these are the thoughts and experiences of SAM. I don’t know if any of you have anything common with anything that I’ve shared here but if you do please comment. If you haven’t and had any insight to share with me then please comment and help me out. I normally come here to encourage but I’m not sure if this post does any of that today. Today was probably more of a mental dump. I blog from conversations and interactions that I’ve had. So this time I think I’m the one in need of encouragement. 💆🏽‍♀️💆🏽‍♀️💆🏽‍♀️

Living through it All

This is probably going to be a post where I talk about all sorts of things and I may not be able to tie it all together. We shall see! Sometimes I blog from a place of chaos. Doesn’t mean anything is going on just sometimes my thoughts are all over. And on this morning I have so much going on in my head. I think I’ll share a piece of my journal with you from 2017. You’ve heard me mention I was in a dark place for a season of my life. The other day I went through some of those journals and I laughed and cried. The tears weren’t bad though. I didn’t relive the pain. The tears were that I became so proud of myself that I took the time to actually deal with myself and my feelings. Like remember I’ve had an image to portray. I had to appear like I had it all together. A perfect marriage. Perfect and awesome kids. Saved. Sanctified. Holy Ghost filled. Nice house and car. Designer clothes. You know, I had to act like my stuff didn’t smell. 🤣🤣🤣. Mind you I don’t know where I got that idea from. I don’t know who told me I had to live a lie. I’ve never been big on television. I don’t do reality shows. I think I was raised okay. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. So where did all the faking come from? Good People, I don’t know! Heck perhaps if I knew I wouldn’t have been behaving that way.

The other day I was trying to find a particular writing that I did but came across a posting of me trying to explain the pain I was experiencing. I can tell you I know that I was losing faith during that entry. I can tell from my writing. No need to share the entire entry for it was three pages long. You know, someone said to me the other day that I act like what I’m going through doesn’t hurt. Like everything is okay. The person said they know I’m hurting because had it happen to them they’d be hurting. I don’t know why the person feels that way. They are entitled to feel how they please. I’ve never fronted like I don’t experience hurt. Anger. Pain. Like I don’t get upset. But what I’ve decided to do is not allow the situation to consume me. I’m not going into the fetal position. Therapy has cost me a lot of money because my counselor is out of network so I’m paying a lot of money to see her. How I deal with my emotions are different now. What does it profit me to cry all day or lay around with unforgiveness in my heart. Or hate people. So what I do is try to work through the emotions when they come up. I read. I write. I journal. I blog. Sometimes I do a little work out routine. I’ve learned some skills to help me with my emotions. I don’t ignore them. Nope! Not any more! I work through them. I shared with you all a book I use and it’s an awesome resource. I promise you it’s helpful. Meditation is also helpful. You can do it at any time. Any place. But guess what regardless if you deal with your situations or not life goes on. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving along. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️.

I had always said if I ever got married again that I wasn’t getting a divorce. We will fight through whatever. But in order for that to happen, the fighting part, it takes two. You can’t fight by yourself. Well I guess you can and I have, for years! Just not anymore. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. I also had to consider what I was accepting. And even then how much I wanted to accept. At some point reality comes and slap you around like they do on WWF. At that moment you have no other choice but to wake up.

Every post I write on here my goal is to inspire. Uplift. Encourage. I never want you to leave the page feeling worst than when you came. But I also must speak MY truth. No more tip toeing around or sugar coating my feelings. My goal moving forward is to be transparent. Authentic. I pray that’s what we all want to do. I’m going to let all my skeletons out. For no one on this earth is really able to judge anyone. Now I know the good book tells us to judge righteously. So the good book is right and I’m wrong. So if you want to call me out for something biblically feel free but please be walking the walk yourself. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

So here’s an excerpt from a dark moment in my life. Let me know what you think. Have you ever felt this way? What did you do to bounce back? Did you work through it or did you act like you were so strong and ignored the pain? Either way I want to hear from you! Remember we in a judge free zone here. Be encouraged on today. Life is beautiful. A scripture that stays in my heart is this, There is NO temptation common unto man that Christ won’t make a way to escape. We can overcome anything. I promise you we can. If you want to know where the scripture can be found google it. It’s 2019. Do we even need a Bible today? Don’t answer that. Of course we do. 😜😜😜

I’m Encouraged

I started blogging years ago. Like back in 2008-9 I believe. I use to blog about business type matters. Then life happened and now that’s what I blog about. I come here and be authentic because for so many years I didn’t deal with myself. And because I didn’t deal with myself it gave an appearance that I was all that. You know, doing well! Well it was partially the truth. I am all that! 😍😍. And I was doing well and still is. Back then my wellness was made up in stuff. How much money I could make. What I could drive. My buying power. How much traveling I could do. My wellness now is my peace, my health, my mental state, and still of course my appearance. I’d admit I’m sort of vain. I’m hard on myself. I don’t like being fat. Thin works best for me. I’ve been both. I’ve decided that I love thin better. Nothing against fat, thick, big boned, whatever y’all want to call it. That’s good for others but not for me. Just like I feel beautiful in dresses. Some feel beautiful in pants. It’s okay. Do what makes sense to you is my advice. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️.

This picture is me trying to be thin. About six pounds too big but I’m working on a plan. Give me a minute. I’ve gotten candy out of my system so now I’m working on putting down the chips and getting back to my workouts. My eating has always been a problem for me. I don’t eat enough of the right foods and can go days literally just eating junk food. But when I do eat I typically do eat the right foods. 💪🏽💪🏽

This picture is me when I was fat. I tried to find the ugliest picture of myself. But seeing that I’m vain I don’t have many of the ones really showing the three rows of fat on my back and stomach. Neck rolls and dark inner thighs. I hid them well. I had gotten up to a size 10. Bigger than I was while having three babies. I was miserable. I didn’t want to leave the house except for work or church and mandatory pampering. It was bad. The years were 2006-2008. I had gone into a deep depression. My self esteem was somewhere in the negative. We did a family road trip from Dallas, Texas to LA in 2007 and something about the way the women carried themselves out there inspired me. I saw big women, small women, skinny women, fat women, ugly women, drop dead gorgeous women and the ONE thing they all appeared to have in common was their walk. They walked in heels. Head held high. They moved about with confidence. All this was my opinion. Who knows, they could have been faking it but I needed to see that. I got back to Dallas went on a no sugar diet. Had a salad for the first time in my life and then hired a trainer. I was determined to feel good about myself again.

I don’t know how my post went this way. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. I also read that you’re not suppose to use emojis when you’re writing non-fiction too. Oh well I wear them out in almost all my post. 😀😀 so I don’t know, does that make me a rebel? I get off track easily too. I’m sure that’s adult ADHD. But hey whatever. I told you I come here to be authentic. So this is the no judgement zone, okay! I do care about doing things the right way believe it or not. But I’m also a little bit more care free in my older days. My post are typically more in line with the title of it. Maybe I can bring it back in. We shall see. 😜😜

I woke up this morning sore in my body. I told myself last night I was going to just lay in the bed all day and watch tennis. Thank God I have some important things to do so that I can get up and out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Plus I can stay in bed all day and watch tennis and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. 💪🏽🎾. But I’m going to get up and get out. Plus I’m sure I’ll be hyper today because I had tea this morning. 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️. Lol!

So back to me being encouraged on today. I really am. New day. New grace and mercies! Why not be encouraged. Everything not like I want them but hey it’ll probably never be that way. So hopefully I’m not looking for encouragement in hoping for everything to go my way anyways. It has to be something deeper. It just has to be. And it is. I’m encouraged on today because again I’m awake and alive. I had a beautiful Saturday evening and Sunday morning. Although I’m a little sick, I’m happy. I could’ve allowed a situation to take me under but I raised above it. I’m able to forgive now. Something I’ve not always been able to do. I don’t have any anger in my heart, TODAY, LOL! I’m being honest here okay! I’m saying today for I don’t know what tomorrow holds. 🙏🏽🙏🏽

This photo speaks volumes. I know how to do this now. I honestly do. And I also still know how to love the person and if needed still help the person. Now that’s something to be encouraged about. You see I use to hold grudges. And I could hold them for years, literally. So when people tell me they hold grudges I know what they mean. I also pray one day they’ll be delivered from that sickness though. It profits them nothing. Trust me. Often times the person you’re holding the grudge against don’t even care one way or another. It’s like forgiveness. It’s not about them nor is it for them. It’s about you and it’s for YOU. You’re the one that’s needing the release. You know often times we wonder why we stressed and tired. A lot of times it’s what’s going on internally. Things we are not dealing with. I’m such a huge advocate for counseling and/or therapy now. My Lord it’s a life saver I promise. Doesn’t take the place of prayer but it’s helpful.

I’ll end with this. You have to honestly do the work on yourself. If not you become a problem to your own situation. Been there. Done that. I have the T-Shirt to prove it. So basically I’m encouraged on today because of the tools I’ve gained over the past year or so to learn how to deal with things. I use to get low and go into the fetal position, you know a dark place. I no longer do that. I’m learning to accept what IS. I’m dealing with my issues and things are looking and feeling good for me. I’m encouraged on today because of that. I’m hopeful that I’ll get my body the way I want it to be. I’m grateful that I’m constantly working on my mental strength. I’m blessed that I can love even when I’m not loved back or don’t feel loved. It’s about working on Sandra. Self-Care is real and I’m owning it. No longer will I be making excuses or blaming someone else for issues. My sanity. Now when I take inventory I can see where I had a huge play in my upheavals. So today I encourage you to do the work. Take the inventory. Be honest with yourself. Accept what IS and if you don’t like what IS begin to work on changing it. You owe it to yourself!