You know over in the midnight hour is a phrase I grew up on. My grandmother use to say it all the time pertaining to one thing or another. But as an adult I totally get it now. Well last night I had an “over in the midnight hour” experience. I toss and turn from midnight to 5:30am this morning. You see I’m going through a rough season in my life right now. And last night got really hard. So much so that just typing this entry is bringing about tears.
You know over in the midnight hour doesn’t have to begin at midnight. I’ve had one that came in the middle of the day. Nevertheless I got no sleep last night wrestling with my mind. It was all over the place. It wouldn’t stop and I got into a pity party by myself about myself. How many know Jesus don’t care nothing about your pity party? We’ve already been instructed to “count it all joy” so instead of wallowing in my mess last night I should have gotten up and paced and prayed. I did pray but while lying there. And when you’re lying there thinking of all your drama it’s hard to go into a good prayer. Every time I reached out something would pop up.
My mother’s mother came to mind. She was selling condemns. 😳😳😳. I dont know where it came from but it was so vivid. She has having them delivered but the truck load. I even told her I’d store some in my garage. Then I went back into prayer. Lord Jesus strengthen me on today. Have mercy on my soul. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. Then my 2003 situation came to me. I begin judging myself on how I handled that situation. How many know that there is therefore NO condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus? I know that but my mind and that ole devil was accusing me of all sorts of things. For those of you that don’t know what I went through in 2003 keep coming by and reading my blog it will all be revealed soon. Again I begin to rebuke the devil and his tactics. I begin to ask Jesus again to help me mortify things body and to cast cares upon him. For I know he cares for me. I begin to beg for Jesus yoke for it’s easy. Then my current situation came. I mean I was crying and sweating. And if you read my previous blog, I went into that fetal position that wrote about. I had gotten low.
Praise God for new grace and mercy on this morning. I’m here and alive and pressing. I’m leaving yesterday behind me and going to press my way into victory. You know last year Jesus gave me I Peter 5:10 so I have to believe that even when things are looking different then the promise he gave me I’m going to continue to stand on his promise for I know that all his promises are yes and amen. How many of you believe that we are not children that walk after what we see but instead we walk by faith calling those things that be not as though they were. So this morning I am claiming victory. I rebuke myself for letting myself get into a rut. I know better. I asked myself whose report was I going to believe. Was I going to allow that ole spirit to take control or was I going to armor up?
Can we be honest for a moment here…..most time when we (I) fall into this kind of thing it’s because I’ve given flesh more attention then my spirit. It’s the truth. We don’t want to admit it but it’s the truth any how. I know it is. Y’all Jesus is real. There is NO temptation common unto to man that Jesus won’t make room for us to escape. Hebrew 10:39 teaches us not to draw back to perdition but instead to go on believing to the saving of our soul.
So although I wasn’t strong enough during my midnight hour experience I encourage you, my readers, to be encouraged on today. Press and fight for your soul. Don’t be defeated. Feed your spirit man so you will had the weapon to stand up against evil and worrying spirits. I compel you to fight for the salvation that was once delivered to the saints. It’s ours but we gone have to take it by force.
Let’s pray for each other. I know I’m not the only one going through. We over come by the blood of the lamb and by the words of our testimonies. Folks dont want to share their testimonies no more today because we all want to look well put together all along we are dying and hurting in the inside.
Is there anything I can stand in the gap with about on today?
There are times throughout the day where if I’m not careful I find myself in the fetal position mentally and physically. It use to happen more often then it does now. Now I’m aware of it so I immediately get myself going before I get that low. I learned some skills in counseling.
Sometimes my mind won’t stop. It wants to go back in time and try to figure out why. That’s where it begins. I begin to think of why things happen to me. Why people let me down. Why weren’t people there for me. Why did I have to walk alone. How come people can’t be real. It starts to think about some the worst positions that I’ve been in. But now instead of getting stuck I press. I read. I write. I journal. Or I do what I’m doing now, I start blogging.
My schooling and career is that of analysis so I can over analysis stuff easily. Without even realizing that’s what I’m doing and before you know it I’m about to cry. Now I confess to be a Christian and I know not to look back. There is an example of Lots’ wife looking back so I know the consequences of looking back but I’m speaking my truth in telling you that I’ve been guilty of looking back. I’m trying to practice not looking back because thats where things begin to spiral out of control. So starting back blogging has really been another outlet for me that keeps me from getting into that fetal position.
You know I really do thank Jesus for all that he’s allowed me to experience in my life. I’m literally learning to count it all joy and to think it not strange when I even go through various situation. I’m starting to really be grateful that as he told the devil with Job, have you considered my faithful servant, he’s done and doing the same thing with me.
So you know I like feedback so to you my readers what do you struggle with? Do you ever experience that low level of depression and if you do what do you do to get out of it.
#depression #life #sadness #fetalposition #faith #jesus #health #patience #love #live #growth #beencouraged #strive #thrive #struggle
As I set here thinking of life, my life, so much is running around in this dome of mine that I don’t know where to begin.
You know folks have always thought that I was a strong independent black female. And I’ve always accepted that truth. And there is some truth in it. But what if I shared with you all the things that I’ve had to endure. What if I told you how I’ve had two failed marriages. What if I told you how I’ve lied. What if told you how I’ve cheated. What if I told you that there were times when I felt like I was a bad mother. That there were times when I felt less than. What if I shared with you how anxiety attacked me so hard that I peed myself in public; more than once. What if I told you that I’ve wanted to kill myself. What if I shared all the darkness in my life, would you still think I was a strong independent woman?
I think there is a poem that says that life ain’t been no walk in the park for me. Or something like that. And it hasn’t. I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt. I’ve gone to dark places and tasted death but here I am to write this blog.
I dont know how strong I am but what I will say is that I thank Jesus for life. I thank Jesus for my journey. I thank Jesus for being with me every step of the way. I thank Jesus that he’s giving me the strength to speak about my life issues as a way to help myself and hopefully others.
Come back and visit and talk to me as I continue to open up and prove that some of the very foundations that we were taught or learned along the way were false. Or shall I say it’s all subjective. I’m in control of my own happiness moving forward. I won’t be confined. I will no longer keep quiet and worry about folks speaking about me. If I can help someone else with my life stories I’m here to tell it all.
Stay with me and help me help us all on this journey to authenticity.
#life #death #strong #weak #journey #jesus #faith #anxiety #suicide #independent #happy #authentic
I always thought I had an awesome child hood. I wasn’t raised by my biological mother. I don’t honestly know who my REAL father is. I spent some time with my father that died in 2009 and I spent time with the father that died when I was around two. The father that died when I was around two, his mother raised me and that’s who I call momma. She’s still living and she’s 94 years old. Now I’ve always known my biological mother. I lived around the corner from her. She just wasn’t in a position to raise me. I have three sisters and a brother from my mother. We are not that close for so many reasons that I can do an entire blog on that alone.
As you know from previous post I’m in counseling. My counselor is teaching me how to deal with my emotions. So how do I feel about my upbringing? Well I just told you I thought I had an awesome upbringing. But I must admit it was dysfunctional and perhaps that’s why I accept so much dysfunction in my life now and treat it as normal. So now I want to deal with my child hood.
So here we go. No it’s not right that my mother had me and didn’t raise me. It’s not right that I honestly don’t know who my real father is and both are dead now. It’s not right. It’s not right that I was raised by three sets of grand parents; two father parents and one mother parents. My problem is as far as emotions I dint know which one to feel or deal with. I don’t believe I’m sad. I don’t believe I’m depressed or hurt. I mean it is what it is. I’ve learned to be grateful that I didn’t get placed in a foster home. I’m grateful that I had multiple families loving on me. You know the whole village thing. I think I’m a product of the village.
So to my readers I ask you what emotions should one have in this type of upbringing? How was your upbringing? Is it playing a part of your life now and if so is it negative or positive? Talk to me.
#family #life #living #parents #counseling #thinking #grateful #thankful #siblings #grandparents #negative #positive #feelingswheel #dysfunction
Life happens right? Well that being the case let it go and move on. Right? Well what if that’s not the right thing to do? What if you’re not suppose to move on and let it go? Should you fight for what you want and if so for how long? Can situations change? Can people change? Can YOU change? Let’s talk about it.
I’ve not blogged in about a week because guess what? Life has been happening. I’ve had decisions to make. I’ve had to do things and say things. I dont know if I’ve made the right decisions but I’ve made them and I’ve decided to move forward. But what does moving forward really look like? What does it feel like? For me I still think about my decisions. I still feel some kind of way behind the decisions I’ve made. So what does that mean? Does it mean I made a mistake? I dont know the answers to these questions so I’m blogging in hopes of getting feed back from you, the reader.
I’m here to speak and share my truth. I’ve been taught that you make a decision you deal with it and suffer the consequences and move forward. However after 40 something years of living I dont know if that’s the correct way. My counselor tells me to live within my emotions. For example if I’m feeling scared or sad or depressed or whatever she told me to take time and feel each of those emotions. So since I’m paying I’m trying my hardest to follow her lead. So what does it feel like to live in the emotion of sadness? I can tell you that it doesn’t feel good. I ask myself why are you doing this? My answer is because my counselor told me to. And I’m thinking if my way hasn’t worked all these years why not try her way. However how do I even know that my way wasn’t working? So many questions huh?
Betrayal, how do you live in that emotion? What does that feel like? It hurts. It makes you see the person that betrayed you different. It almost or shall I say it makes you hate the betrayer. Is that a word, betrayer? When living in the emotions should it make you feel hate towards someone or something? I mean I honestly don’t know so I’m seriously asking. Thought we were suppose to love everybody. Lol. No but serious. Perhaps the reason why I never lived in my feelings is because of the pain that you experience. For me it’s easier to just move on instead of basking in a particular pain.
Anyways talk to me. Tell me what you think about letting go. About living in your emotions. Dealings with hardship and upheavals. Talk to me. Should we or should we not let it go?
#letitgo #life #emotions #therapy #counseling #sad #depressed #betrayal #prayer #faith #experiences #blog #blogger #blogging #truth #speakyourtruth #share #talk
Back when I was in a relationship, there were a few things I missed about being a single girl. I had been in a great relationship with myself for two years and for all the pleasures of having a boyfriend, I also missed some parts of my former life. Now that I’m Jessica, Party of One, again, I think it’s time to revisit some of the single girl stuff I have to celebrate…
- I have the whole bed all to myself.
- No one makes a face when I bite my fingernails. (Although really, I should stop doing that.)
- I’m eating eating less meat because I barely ever cook it for myself.
- No one is scratching their balls and then touching the remote control/fridge door/pillows. At least, I don’t think anyone is.
- Lots of uninterrupted vibrator time.
- I don’t feel guilty about the smell when I paint my nails.
- Not washing anyone else’s laundry or dishes!
- I don’t have to worry about being cheated on because there is no one to cheat!
- When I wear sweatpants to bed, no one complains about it.
- ”The Millionaire Matchmaker” can play for an entire hour without anyone whining.
- Who cares how hairy my legs and armpits are? Not me.
- I’m the only one using my expensive shampoo and conditioner.
- I made out with a cute guy on a date last week and I really like him!
- No more roommates I don’t get along with.
- I feel more kinship with other single women — Frisky staff what what!
- I’ve seen more of my sisters, my nieces, my nephew and my parents than I have in the whole two years that I was in a relationship.
- I can blog about whatever I want regarding my personal life and no one will ask me to explain it later.
- Weekends are for me and my family, not anyone else’s.
- The next time I go to the movies, I’m almost decidedly seeing a chick flick.
- I wake up when my alarm clock goes off without someone pressuring me to hit snooze and give them a little somethin’-somethin’.
- Lipstick, lip gloss and lip balm actually stay on my lips now.
- Spending about half as much on coffee, seeing as I’m not offernig to buy it for someone all the time.
- Sleeping with my childhood teddy bear again … without shame.
- Don’t have to share the iPad (or as we used to call it, “the baby”) with anyone.
- Flirting without guilt.
- My parents’ dog doesn’t have anyone to embarrass me in front of by trying to hump his leg.
- Deepening friendships and making new friends with all my free time.
- I don’t have to shower as much.
- No one has asked me why I need so many shoes, clothes, books, magazines, or TV shows in the TiVo queue. I just do, OK?
- NO FOOTBALL!