Bumping your head

There is a saying that goes something like this; “you can’t keep doing the same thing and look for different results.” Well I know this and I wholeheartedly believe in this saying. Question to self is, self! My self goes huh? Self says, ” why do you continue to do the same thing then?” My self goes I dont know. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. Is it only me? Am I the only crazy person around here?

I know better 99% of times I do something wrong or foolish. Like I have a strong mental but a soft heart. My heart makes me do things that my mental knows I shouldn’t. And not only that, the two of them have conversations with each other. And I’ll go a step further. My mental has conversations with my therapist too. So more times than not it’s mental two to the heart one. Somehow though the heart still gets me in trouble. So why? Why Sandra? 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

First I heard, “girl when you turn forty you gone have this I don’t give a care attitude.” Well I’m closer to fifty than I am to forty and guess what? Yeap you guessed it. I still give a care. Still being lead by the heart when I honesty believe I’m the last one left in this world that follows that flow. So now I’m hearing, “girl when you turn 50 you really not gone give a care.” I’ll wait. Come back in a few years and I’ll update you as to if I’ve stopped giving a care. 🤔🤔🤔🤔

Growth is interesting. Sometimes you may not even know that you’re growing based on how you’re feeling. But I believe although things may not be going as you planned, you are still growing. Sometimes things are just simply not as they appear. Life is funny. As Maze says, “you have to take the rain with the sunshine.” So it’s a rolling average in my opinion. You can’t just base growth on a particular situation. You know you fall down and get back up. The fall is what happened. But the get up is the action you take towards growth.

I’m silly. I laugh a lot. I’m a smiler. Is that a word? 🤷🏾‍♀️🤔. Any who I’ve learned that situations that come in my life are not to destroy me. I’ve learned that I can make it through ANYTHING. As Paul states in Philippians 4:12, I’ve literally learned how to be abase and abound. Life and situations that you face will teach you this. Praise God for the bumping of heads. Can you even imagine life with no upheavals? No hardships? I can’t. A good bruise in life is like the scares on your hardwood floors. They both give character.

So today welcome the bumping of the heads. Stand tall and strong on your morals and value. Allow your heart to help your mental and vice versa. Welcome let down. Don’t go into hiding. Don’t resist it. Press through it all. Going through the fire isn’t all that bad. If you can believe that the three Hebrew boys came out not burned. Smoke free. How much more greater shall you come forward? Plus don’t you want to be tried like gold? Can you imagine buying gold that hasn’t been tried? 😳😳😳😳. Some people do but we not talking about those people here.

I have a friend guy that sleeps in his gold necklace and bracelets. Has for years. What if they weren’t pure gold? My Lord his body would be plagued with fungus. 🤮🤮🤮. Now do an analogy to you and your life not being tried just like gold not being tried. You’d be a mess. Moral of the story is we can withstand the fire. I promise you. The bumps on the head are so worth it. Learn to count it all JOY. Be encouraged on today my friends. 🥰🥰🥰

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I’m learning

I’m learning not to fight every battle. Every situation doesn’t deserve my energy or to hear the thoughts going on in my head. That’s a big change for me. Normally everything that comes my way I deal with. I guess age and life will change you. I’m tired I guess. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤔

I believe often times people know exactly what they’re doing and more times than not they are actually looking for a reaction from you. Then after you react you’re the one all in an uproar and the other person somewhere chilling. Plus I honestly know that my battles are not won in the natural. They are won in the spirit and that my victory will come via prayer. Awesome reminder, hmmmmm, little bit more prayer and less trying to reason or figure things out on my own.

I’m learning to not allow people and/or situations pull me out of my zone. I said I’m learning 🤪🤪. I’m not a 100% there but I can feel myself wanting to stop and think before I react now. I don’t necessarily want to get even or retaliate. Go San! Go San! 😀😀😀

You hear folks say life is short. Well I dont know if it’s short. I won’t know till mine ends and even then I still won’t know. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️. But what I do want to do is live the best version of me as I possibly can. Evaluating myself daily. Taking inventory and adjusting as I need to. Be grateful for my journey. I want to love, kiss, and hug. I want to laugh, travel, and watch tennis. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to leave a legacy that my love ones will be proud of.

What a perfect visual ☝🏽. This is exactly what we need. More hugging. More patience. More compassion. More empathy. More love. And I dont know about you but I need more Jesus.

On today I encourage you to stop and think before you react. Don’t worry about someone having the upper hand. Make sure you’re being authentic to you. Love hard. If someone doesn’t return the love don’t worry. That’s not your problem. But don’t let it stop you from being you. We all reap what we sow. I promise you. And at the end you’ll win the battle I promise you. Getting even has never helped me. Trust me I’ve tried it several times. 🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️

Smile! 😀😀😀😀

Being A Mother

I started my motherhood career early. I didn’t know what I was doing. I probably still don’t know what am doing. My babies are 29, 27, and 22 years young and they’re by far my biggest and greatest accomplishment.

The journey hasn’t been easy. They grew up with me. It was all test and error. I pretty much applied all the good things my village taught me and tried to do away with the bad things. For example, I didn’t raise my babies on holidays. They’ve never had a Christmas tree, they never been trick or treating. They didn’t get money when they lost their teeth. They’ve never hunted for eggs. I told them from the beginning that it was ALL lies. Christ has nothing to do with any of that. But every year they took trips and gave back to less fortunate people. I thought those two were more important.

I also raised them in church. They seemed to love it when they were younger. I dont know if either of them faithfully goes now. But I do know that they know the word of God because they use on me when I’m cutting up. 🤔🤔🤔🤔. So I know they know regardless if they are living it or not. I don’t live it 100% either and yes I know better too.

Overall I believe I raised three great creatures. They’re striving and thriving trying to figure this thing called LIFE out. So am I. I love all three of them. They were all raised in the same house for their entire lives but all three of them are totally different. It’s crazy too. Their personalities are HUGE. Where they get their personalities from I dont know. They’d say me but they are so much more grand than I am.

I’ve had a fallen out with all three of them. My fallouts with Kisha last the longest. Go figure. The first born. My only daughter. 🤔🤔🤔. We cool right now as of this post and I pray we stay cool. I want us to do some work together to help other parents that struggle the same way we struggle. But we have a lot of work to do ourselves. But it’s on the list. Stay tuned for an organization to arise soon. Here lately I’m realizing that my oldest son is ME in the male body. 😳😳😳. How did that happen? He’s a force to be reckoned with.

My baby boy perhaps I breast fed too long but not literally. He’s still trying to figure life out at 22, and that’s okay. AGAIN, I’m still trying to figure it out too. We both love hot weather and wants to move somewhere that’s hot at least 360 days of the year. My oldest son will try anything once. Me and the other two we good with what we already know. Although the baby boy is starting to venture out a little bit here lately. 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

We’ve been through a lot as a young family. I dont know if it’s any more than any other family. Not really comparing. But we making it. I love being a mother. So much so that I want another one. However I’m not sure if that’ll ever happen. Nothing wrong with wanting, hoping, and wishing tho. 🥰🥰🥰

This Mother’s Day I was in the bed the entire day miserable in my body but happy in my heart. All three of my babies were with me. That hadn’t happened in years. So I was overwhelmed with joy!

To all the mothers out there enjoy the rides of ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. Cry. Laugh. You’re not perfect but I’m sure you’re the perfect mom to those that Jesus charged you to nurture. Don’t compare yourself. Pray. Believe. Strive. Thrive. Stand boldly in your convictions with what you feel is right. Love hard. Communicate. Stay involved. But most importantly breathe and be YOU, a beautiful Mom.

Enjoy the silly videos of me with my babies. We are not perfect but we are perfect for each other with all our troubles. Be encouraged.

Over in the midnight hours

You know over in the midnight hour is a phrase I grew up on. My grandmother use to say it all the time pertaining to one thing or another. But as an adult I totally get it now. Well last night I had an “over in the midnight hour” experience. I toss and turn from midnight to 5:30am this morning. You see I’m going through a rough season in my life right now. And last night got really hard. So much so that just typing this entry is bringing about tears.

You know over in the midnight hour doesn’t have to begin at midnight. I’ve had one that came in the middle of the day. Nevertheless I got no sleep last night wrestling with my mind. It was all over the place. It wouldn’t stop and I got into a pity party by myself about myself. How many know Jesus don’t care nothing about your pity party? We’ve already been instructed to “count it all joy” so instead of wallowing in my mess last night I should have gotten up and paced and prayed. I did pray but while lying there. And when you’re lying there thinking of all your drama it’s hard to go into a good prayer. Every time I reached out something would pop up.

My mother’s mother came to mind. She was selling condemns. 😳😳😳. I dont know where it came from but it was so vivid. She has having them delivered but the truck load. I even told her I’d store some in my garage. Then I went back into prayer. Lord Jesus strengthen me on today. Have mercy on my soul. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. Then my 2003 situation came to me. I begin judging myself on how I handled that situation. How many know that there is therefore NO condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus? I know that but my mind and that ole devil was accusing me of all sorts of things. For those of you that don’t know what I went through in 2003 keep coming by and reading my blog it will all be revealed soon. Again I begin to rebuke the devil and his tactics. I begin to ask Jesus again to help me mortify things body and to cast cares upon him. For I know he cares for me. I begin to beg for Jesus yoke for it’s easy. Then my current situation came. I mean I was crying and sweating. And if you read my previous blog, I went into that fetal position that wrote about. I had gotten low.

Praise God for new grace and mercy on this morning. I’m here and alive and pressing. I’m leaving yesterday behind me and going to press my way into victory. You know last year Jesus gave me I Peter 5:10 so I have to believe that even when things are looking different then the promise he gave me I’m going to continue to stand on his promise for I know that all his promises are yes and amen. How many of you believe that we are not children that walk after what we see but instead we walk by faith calling those things that be not as though they were. So this morning I am claiming victory. I rebuke myself for letting myself get into a rut. I know better. I asked myself whose report was I going to believe. Was I going to allow that ole spirit to take control or was I going to armor up?

Can we be honest for a moment here…..most time when we (I) fall into this kind of thing it’s because I’ve given flesh more attention then my spirit. It’s the truth. We don’t want to admit it but it’s the truth any how. I know it is. Y’all Jesus is real. There is NO temptation common unto to man that Jesus won’t make room for us to escape. Hebrew 10:39 teaches us not to draw back to perdition but instead to go on believing to the saving of our soul.

So although I wasn’t strong enough during my midnight hour experience I encourage you, my readers, to be encouraged on today. Press and fight for your soul. Don’t be defeated. Feed your spirit man so you will had the weapon to stand up against evil and worrying spirits. I compel you to fight for the salvation that was once delivered to the saints. It’s ours but we gone have to take it by force.

Let’s pray for each other. I know I’m not the only one going through. We over come by the blood of the lamb and by the words of our testimonies. Folks dont want to share their testimonies no more today because we all want to look well put together all along we are dying and hurting in the inside.

Is there anything I can stand in the gap with about on today?

Fetal Position

There are times throughout the day where if I’m not careful I find myself in the fetal position mentally and physically. It use to happen more often then it does now. Now I’m aware of it so I immediately get myself going before I get that low. I learned some skills in counseling.

Sometimes my mind won’t stop. It wants to go back in time and try to figure out why. That’s where it begins. I begin to think of why things happen to me. Why people let me down. Why weren’t people there for me. Why did I have to walk alone. How come people can’t be real. It starts to think about some the worst positions that I’ve been in. But now instead of getting stuck I press. I read. I write. I journal. Or I do what I’m doing now, I start blogging.

My schooling and career is that of analysis so I can over analysis stuff easily. Without even realizing that’s what I’m doing and before you know it I’m about to cry. Now I confess to be a Christian and I know not to look back. There is an example of Lots’ wife looking back so I know the consequences of looking back but I’m speaking my truth in telling you that I’ve been guilty of looking back. I’m trying to practice not looking back because thats where things begin to spiral out of control. So starting back blogging has really been another outlet for me that keeps me from getting into that fetal position.

You know I really do thank Jesus for all that he’s allowed me to experience in my life. I’m literally learning to count it all joy and to think it not strange when I even go through various situation. I’m starting to really be grateful that as he told the devil with Job, have you considered my faithful servant, he’s done and doing the same thing with me.

So you know I like feedback so to you my readers what do you struggle with? Do you ever experience that low level of depression and if you do what do you do to get out of it.

#depression #life #sadness #fetalposition #faith #jesus #health #patience #love #live #growth #beencouraged #strive #thrive #struggle

Waiting for my baby boy to have knee surgery..

As I set here thinking of life, my life, so much is running around in this dome of mine that I don’t know where to begin.

You know folks have always thought that I was a strong independent black female. And I’ve always accepted that truth. And there is some truth in it. But what if I shared with you all the things that I’ve had to endure. What if I told you how I’ve had two failed marriages. What if I told you how I’ve lied. What if told you how I’ve cheated. What if I told you that there were times when I felt like I was a bad mother. That there were times when I felt less than. What if I shared with you how anxiety attacked me so hard that I peed myself in public; more than once. What if I told you that I’ve wanted to kill myself. What if I shared all the darkness in my life, would you still think I was a strong independent woman?

I think there is a poem that says that life ain’t been no walk in the park for me. Or something like that. And it hasn’t. I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt. I’ve gone to dark places and tasted death but here I am to write this blog.

I dont know how strong I am but what I will say is that I thank Jesus for life. I thank Jesus for my journey. I thank Jesus for being with me every step of the way. I thank Jesus that he’s giving me the strength to speak about my life issues as a way to help myself and hopefully others.

Come back and visit and talk to me as I continue to open up and prove that some of the very foundations that we were taught or learned along the way were false. Or shall I say it’s all subjective. I’m in control of my own happiness moving forward. I won’t be confined. I will no longer keep quiet and worry about folks speaking about me. If I can help someone else with my life stories I’m here to tell it all.

Stay with me and help me help us all on this journey to authenticity.

#life #death #strong #weak #journey #jesus #faith #anxiety #suicide #independent #happy #authentic

So I thought…….

I always thought I had an awesome child hood. I wasn’t raised by my biological mother. I don’t honestly know who my REAL father is. I spent some time with my father that died in 2009 and I spent time with the father that died when I was around two. The father that died when I was around two, his mother raised me and that’s who I call momma. She’s still living and she’s 94 years old. Now I’ve always known my biological mother. I lived around the corner from her. She just wasn’t in a position to raise me. I have three sisters and a brother from my mother. We are not that close for so many reasons that I can do an entire blog on that alone.

As you know from previous post I’m in counseling. My counselor is teaching me how to deal with my emotions. So how do I feel about my upbringing? Well I just told you I thought I had an awesome upbringing. But I must admit it was dysfunctional and perhaps that’s why I accept so much dysfunction in my life now and treat it as normal. So now I want to deal with my child hood.

So here we go. No it’s not right that my mother had me and didn’t raise me. It’s not right that I honestly don’t know who my real father is and both are dead now. It’s not right. It’s not right that I was raised by three sets of grand parents; two father parents and one mother parents. My problem is as far as emotions I dint know which one to feel or deal with. I don’t believe I’m sad. I don’t believe I’m depressed or hurt. I mean it is what it is. I’ve learned to be grateful that I didn’t get placed in a foster home. I’m grateful that I had multiple families loving on me. You know the whole village thing. I think I’m a product of the village.

So to my readers I ask you what emotions should one have in this type of upbringing? How was your upbringing? Is it playing a part of your life now and if so is it negative or positive? Talk to me.

#family #life #living #parents #counseling #thinking #grateful #thankful #siblings #grandparents #negative #positive #feelingswheel #dysfunction

Letting it go

Life happens right? Well that being the case let it go and move on. Right? Well what if that’s not the right thing to do? What if you’re not suppose to move on and let it go? Should you fight for what you want and if so for how long? Can situations change? Can people change? Can YOU change? Let’s talk about it.

I’ve not blogged in about a week because guess what? Life has been happening. I’ve had decisions to make. I’ve had to do things and say things. I dont know if I’ve made the right decisions but I’ve made them and I’ve decided to move forward. But what does moving forward really look like? What does it feel like? For me I still think about my decisions. I still feel some kind of way behind the decisions I’ve made. So what does that mean? Does it mean I made a mistake? I dont know the answers to these questions so I’m blogging in hopes of getting feed back from you, the reader.

I’m here to speak and share my truth. I’ve been taught that you make a decision you deal with it and suffer the consequences and move forward. However after 40 something years of living I dont know if that’s the correct way. My counselor tells me to live within my emotions. For example if I’m feeling scared or sad or depressed or whatever she told me to take time and feel each of those emotions. So since I’m paying I’m trying my hardest to follow her lead. So what does it feel like to live in the emotion of sadness? I can tell you that it doesn’t feel good. I ask myself why are you doing this? My answer is because my counselor told me to. And I’m thinking if my way hasn’t worked all these years why not try her way. However how do I even know that my way wasn’t working? So many questions huh?

Betrayal, how do you live in that emotion? What does that feel like? It hurts. It makes you see the person that betrayed you different. It almost or shall I say it makes you hate the betrayer. Is that a word, betrayer? When living in the emotions should it make you feel hate towards someone or something? I mean I honestly don’t know so I’m seriously asking. Thought we were suppose to love everybody. Lol. No but serious. Perhaps the reason why I never lived in my feelings is because of the pain that you experience. For me it’s easier to just move on instead of basking in a particular pain.

Anyways talk to me. Tell me what you think about letting go. About living in your emotions. Dealings with hardship and upheavals. Talk to me. Should we or should we not let it go?

#letitgo #life #emotions #therapy #counseling #sad #depressed #betrayal #prayer #faith #experiences #blog #blogger #blogging #truth #speakyourtruth #share #talk

Today I Cried

Today I cried.  It felt so good.  I needed that.  I had been holding so much in the inside trying to be so strong for everyone else.  But today I broke down.  So many emotions and feelings.  Some were of anger, pain, hurt, feelings of betrayal, loneliness, happiness, thankfulness to mention a few.  I can’t really tell you everything that I was feeling.  But I know I was able to vent to Soror Nedra.  My oh my you talking about  “we help each other for we know there’s no other like our sisterhood” that is what sisters are for.  I so appreciate her for just lending me her ear for a few minutes.  Sometimes thats all it takes is a few minutes.

Then my cousin Nikki texted me and I was able to really just tell it all to her since she knows everything.  And it was as if I was in the counselors chair.  I just poured it all out.  And then came the tears.  I tried to hold my head up and not make a sound because I didn’t want my boys to hear me.  But it just came out.  I had no control.  I don’t know if you have ever been in the spirit and tried to come out and you couldn’t.  Well that is what happen to me today.  I so needed that.  Because I’ve not been to therapy in almost a year now. 

Sometimes keeping yourself busy to not focus on your problems doesn’t work.  And I know for me I have to be strong for so many that I have to put myself off often times.  But how many of us know that you MUST take care of yourself before you can take care of others.  Thus the reason why the flight attendants tell you to put your mask on before you help your child or anyone else.

I don’t celebrate holidays.  However Thanksgiving is just one of those days that I think you are just supposed to be surrounded by loves ones.  It’s such an emotional day for me.  And this morning something so strong came over me.  It was so overwhelming.  But again I thank the Lord on today for just placing someone in my life that allowed me to vent. 

I don’t know about you but my battles start in my mind.  That is where the devil tries to get the best of me.  But how many of you know that he is defeated on today?  He doesn’t have the victory over my mind nor my body nor my soul.  But Jesus made a way of escape for me today just as he promised.  You know I love me some Jesus.  I really do.  I can’t tell you all that he’s done for me because I would be writing for days.  But when I tell you that he is a healer, that he is a friend, that he is a life line, that he is a keeper, that he is long-suffering, that he is patient, but also he chastises me as well.  And I appreciate him for that alone.  I thank him for getting on to me when I’m out of line.  I thank him that I have an ear to hear when he is getting on to me.

You know I have so much to be thankful for on today.  Not because its Thanksgiving but because when I didn’t want to live any more he told me that “THIS IS NOT UNTIL MY DEATH” when I wanted to just give up he wouldn’t allow me and because of that I’ve seen one child off to the US Army, I have one graduating next year and I’m raising my last one with love and patience as well.  I’m so glad that I’m still around to talk to them and tell that I love them and that I’m here for them.  I’m just so grateful on today.  Not only has he allowed me to raise my children; he has allowed me to be a positive force in so many youth today.  And for that I’m grateful as well.  My soul rejoices in him tonight.  I’m happy in Jesus tonight.  He has truly been a wonder in my soul!!!

HELLO

Good Morning Friends and Family,

I tried my Word of The Day for two weeks and I didn’t get much feed back so I won’t be doing that activity no more.  However I’ll continue to view the Word of The Day because I was honestly learning something. 

So on my stats I get a lot of hits when I gossip.  I don’t want to gossip.  The tax information gets a lot of hits as well.  So I’ll continue to post tax information.  The Etiquette topics gets a lot of hits so I’ll continue with those topics as well. 

Again I would like to thank each of you for stopping by but most importantly those that leave me comments or email.  I really appreciate that.  So keep coming back and hopefully you get the addiction!!!!  LMBO!!

Sandra Parks, MBA  972.569.7938 visit me at http://saptaxes.net and http://sandraparksschoolofetiquette.com