Living through it All

This is probably going to be a post where I talk about all sorts of things and I may not be able to tie it all together. We shall see! Sometimes I blog from a place of chaos. Doesn’t mean anything is going on just sometimes my thoughts are all over. And on this morning I have so much going on in my head. I think I’ll share a piece of my journal with you from 2017. You’ve heard me mention I was in a dark place for a season of my life. The other day I went through some of those journals and I laughed and cried. The tears weren’t bad though. I didn’t relive the pain. The tears were that I became so proud of myself that I took the time to actually deal with myself and my feelings. Like remember I’ve had an image to portray. I had to appear like I had it all together. A perfect marriage. Perfect and awesome kids. Saved. Sanctified. Holy Ghost filled. Nice house and car. Designer clothes. You know, I had to act like my stuff didn’t smell. ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ. Mind you I donโ€™t know where I got that idea from. I donโ€™t know who told me I had to live a lie. I’ve never been big on television. I don’t do reality shows. I think I was raised okay. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. So where did all the faking come from? Good People, I donโ€™t know! Heck perhaps if I knew I wouldn’t have been behaving that way.

The other day I was trying to find a particular writing that I did but came across a posting of me trying to explain the pain I was experiencing. I can tell you I know that I was losing faith during that entry. I can tell from my writing. No need to share the entire entry for it was three pages long. You know, someone said to me the other day that I act like what I’m going through doesn’t hurt. Like everything is okay. The person said they know I’m hurting because had it happen to them they’d be hurting. I donโ€™t know why the person feels that way. They are entitled to feel how they please. I’ve never fronted like I don’t experience hurt. Anger. Pain. Like I don’t get upset. But what I’ve decided to do is not allow the situation to consume me. I’m not going into the fetal position. Therapy has cost me a lot of money because my counselor is out of network so I’m paying a lot of money to see her. How I deal with my emotions are different now. What does it profit me to cry all day or lay around with unforgiveness in my heart. Or hate people. So what I do is try to work through the emotions when they come up. I read. I write. I journal. I blog. Sometimes I do a little work out routine. I’ve learned some skills to help me with my emotions. I don’t ignore them. Nope! Not any more! I work through them. I shared with you all a book I use and it’s an awesome resource. I promise you it’s helpful. Meditation is also helpful. You can do it at any time. Any place. But guess what regardless if you deal with your situations or not life goes on. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving along. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ.

I had always said if I ever got married again that I wasn’t getting a divorce. We will fight through whatever. But in order for that to happen, the fighting part, it takes two. You can’t fight by yourself. Well I guess you can and I have, for years! Just not anymore. ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿฝ. I also had to consider what I was accepting. And even then how much I wanted to accept. At some point reality comes and slap you around like they do on WWF. At that moment you have no other choice but to wake up.

Every post I write on here my goal is to inspire. Uplift. Encourage. I never want you to leave the page feeling worst than when you came. But I also must speak MY truth. No more tip toeing around or sugar coating my feelings. My goal moving forward is to be transparent. Authentic. I pray that’s what we all want to do. I’m going to let all my skeletons out. For no one on this earth is really able to judge anyone. Now I know the good book tells us to judge righteously. So the good book is right and I’m wrong. So if you want to call me out for something biblically feel free but please be walking the walk yourself. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

So here’s an excerpt from a dark moment in my life. Let me know what you think. Have you ever felt this way? What did you do to bounce back? Did you work through it or did you act like you were so strong and ignored the pain? Either way I want to hear from you! Remember we in a judge free zone here. Be encouraged on today. Life is beautiful. A scripture that stays in my heart is this, There is NO temptation common unto man that Christ won’t make a way to escape. We can overcome anything. I promise you we can. If you want to know where the scripture can be found google it. It’s 2019. Do we even need a Bible today? Don’t answer that. Of course we do. ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

Advertisements

Iโ€™m Encouraged

I started blogging years ago. Like back in 2008-9 I believe. I use to blog about business type matters. Then life happened and now that’s what I blog about. I come here and be authentic because for so many years I didn’t deal with myself. And because I didn’t deal with myself it gave an appearance that I was all that. You know, doing well! Well it was partially the truth. I am all that! ๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜. And I was doing well and still is. Back then my wellness was made up in stuff. How much money I could make. What I could drive. My buying power. How much traveling I could do. My wellness now is my peace, my health, my mental state, and still of course my appearance. I’d admit I’m sort of vain. I’m hard on myself. I don’t like being fat. Thin works best for me. I’ve been both. I’ve decided that I love thin better. Nothing against fat, thick, big boned, whatever y’all want to call it. That’s good for others but not for me. Just like I feel beautiful in dresses. Some feel beautiful in pants. It’s okay. Do what makes sense to you is my advice. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ.

This picture is me trying to be thin. About six pounds too big but I’m working on a plan. Give me a minute. I’ve gotten candy out of my system so now I’m working on putting down the chips and getting back to my workouts. My eating has always been a problem for me. I don’t eat enough of the right foods and can go days literally just eating junk food. But when I do eat I typically do eat the right foods. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฝ

This picture is me when I was fat. I tried to find the ugliest picture of myself. But seeing that I’m vain I don’t have many of the ones really showing the three rows of fat on my back and stomach. Neck rolls and dark inner thighs. I hid them well. I had gotten up to a size 10. Bigger than I was while having three babies. I was miserable. I didn’t want to leave the house except for work or church and mandatory pampering. It was bad. The years were 2006-2008. I had gone into a deep depression. My self esteem was somewhere in the negative. We did a family road trip from Dallas, Texas to LA in 2007 and something about the way the women carried themselves out there inspired me. I saw big women, small women, skinny women, fat women, ugly women, drop dead gorgeous women and the ONE thing they all appeared to have in common was their walk. They walked in heels. Head held high. They moved about with confidence. All this was my opinion. Who knows, they could have been faking it but I needed to see that. I got back to Dallas went on a no sugar diet. Had a salad for the first time in my life and then hired a trainer. I was determined to feel good about myself again.

I don’t know how my post went this way. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. I also read that you’re not suppose to use emojis when you’re writing non-fiction too. Oh well I wear them out in almost all my post. ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€ so I don’t know, does that make me a rebel? I get off track easily too. I’m sure that’s adult ADHD. But hey whatever. I told you I come here to be authentic. So this is the no judgement zone, okay! I do care about doing things the right way believe it or not. But I’m also a little bit more care free in my older days. My post are typically more in line with the title of it. Maybe I can bring it back in. We shall see. ๐Ÿ˜œ๐Ÿ˜œ

I woke up this morning sore in my body. I told myself last night I was going to just lay in the bed all day and watch tennis. Thank God I have some important things to do so that I can get up and out and enjoy the beautiful weather. Plus I can stay in bed all day and watch tennis and it wouldn’t bother me one bit. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿฝ๐ŸŽพ. But I’m going to get up and get out. Plus I’m sure I’ll be hyper today because I had tea this morning. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. Lol!

So back to me being encouraged on today. I really am. New day. New grace and mercies! Why not be encouraged. Everything not like I want them but hey it’ll probably never be that way. So hopefully I’m not looking for encouragement in hoping for everything to go my way anyways. It has to be something deeper. It just has to be. And it is. I’m encouraged on today because again I’m awake and alive. I had a beautiful Saturday evening and Sunday morning. Although I’m a little sick, I’m happy. I could’ve allowed a situation to take me under but I raised above it. I’m able to forgive now. Something I’ve not always been able to do. I don’t have any anger in my heart, TODAY, LOL! I’m being honest here okay! I’m saying today for I don’t know what tomorrow holds. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

This photo speaks volumes. I know how to do this now. I honestly do. And I also still know how to love the person and if needed still help the person. Now that’s something to be encouraged about. You see I use to hold grudges. And I could hold them for years, literally. So when people tell me they hold grudges I know what they mean. I also pray one day they’ll be delivered from that sickness though. It profits them nothing. Trust me. Often times the person you’re holding the grudge against don’t even care one way or another. It’s like forgiveness. It’s not about them nor is it for them. It’s about you and it’s for YOU. You’re the one that’s needing the release. You know often times we wonder why we stressed and tired. A lot of times it’s what’s going on internally. Things we are not dealing with. I’m such a huge advocate for counseling and/or therapy now. My Lord it’s a life saver I promise. Doesn’t take the place of prayer but it’s helpful.

I’ll end with this. You have to honestly do the work on yourself. If not you become a problem to your own situation. Been there. Done that. I have the T-Shirt to prove it. So basically I’m encouraged on today because of the tools I’ve gained over the past year or so to learn how to deal with things. I use to get low and go into the fetal position, you know a dark place. I no longer do that. I’m learning to accept what IS. I’m dealing with my issues and things are looking and feeling good for me. I’m encouraged on today because of that. I’m hopeful that I’ll get my body the way I want it to be. I’m grateful that I’m constantly working on my mental strength. I’m blessed that I can love even when I’m not loved back or don’t feel loved. It’s about working on Sandra. Self-Care is real and I’m owning it. No longer will I be making excuses or blaming someone else for issues. My sanity. Now when I take inventory I can see where I had a huge play in my upheavals. So today I encourage you to do the work. Take the inventory. Be honest with yourself. Accept what IS and if you don’t like what IS begin to work on changing it. You owe it to yourself!

Itโ€™s Over Now

My theme in my heart this week is it’s over now. I mean that literally. Everything I’ve been through. All the bad memories. All the pain. The setbacks. The letdowns. The fighting and arguing. The holding grudges. The lying and cheating. It’s Over Now!

Sunday, the beginning of the new week is the beginning of a new life for me. All things beautiful. I’ve decided to see the good in everything and everyone. I don’t care what they’ve done or doing. I’m only seeing the good. Everything else is rolling off and underneath me. I will have tunnel vision that will only see the good.

It’s so much easier. It’s easier to stay in that zone of peace and there is no way to do that if you’re constantly allowing situations and people to pull you in every direction. You have to be able to stand and not be tossed to and from. What I’ve learned is that in life you’ll have good days and all will be well. But you will also have bad days and guess what? All can still be well. It’s how you deal with those bad days. Everything is based on perspective.

Has anyone read the book, Man’s Search for Meaning? If not you should. It’s about a doctor and how he overcame being in a concentration camp and losing his family. He survived. It was all perspective. It really is. Now the book is deeper than that. If you haven’t read it you should. If you’re wondering why you going through. Or if you can make it through what you going through you should read this book to get some insight.

I had been meaning to blog about why I believe life is NOT short. Instead of blogging about why I believe life is NOT short I’d encourage you to read the book. After reading this book come back and give me your thoughts. I’d love to know if you still think life is short. I believe life is what you make it. I believe we can easily live to be 110 years young but it’s going to take a lot of effort on our part. There are many editions of the book out there. This is the one I read. I pray you can read and grasp the meaning.

I’ve been very busy here lately working and dealing with life but I wanted to come by and just leave some encouragement. Check out this song on YouTube. Listen to the words and then dance and dance like no one is watching too. #beencouraged ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ

I like candy

I’ve been working a lot to keep myself busy and to stay out of trouble. Yeap I’m grown but can still find myself in some type of trouble. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. Just keeping it ๐Ÿ’ฏ as the young people say. ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿ˜‰

For the entire month of May I took myself off candy. It first started off hard. I would have headaches and be sort of antsy, if that’s a word and I pray it’s spelled right if so. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. So come June 1st I wanted candy very badly, so I thought. Like I thought I just had to have some. I went and got me some red vines. Of course I ate them like they were the last supper. ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ. But guess what? The next morning I woke up with a stomach ache. ๐Ÿ˜ช๐Ÿ˜ช.

So about two days later I tried to eat some more candy. This time some chocolate turtles. Now you know your granny gave you turtles when you were a kid. Everybody love turtles. Welp, guess what? Nope!! I couldn’t eat them. What in the world is happening to me? I’ve loved candy my entire life. Lord you can’t possibly be taking that taste away from me now?๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”. Or are you? Please don’t answer that. ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿ™…๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

So right about now I’m looking just like this filter from Snapchat has me looking. Crazy. There is no way a sister can stop having candy be a part of her diet. So okay the next thing is this. I was somewhere and saw this grown woman with some tropical Mike & Ike’s. So I said to myself, “self, you know you love those.” So I went right to the store and got me some. Oh my Jesus they were soooooo good. My Lord they were the best. I ate the WHOLE box. I sure did. The big size too. I sure in the heck did. Don’t judge me at all. ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ‘Š๐Ÿฝ. I begin to thank Jesus that I hadn’t lost the taste on my pallet for candy. Praise God! Hallelujah! ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ

So now on this Wednesday afternoon I’m feeling AWESOME. I’m grateful and thankful to the sweet gods that I’ve not lost the taste for candy. I’m extremely happy. I’m blessed that Jesus gave me the power to resist and stay faithful for the goal that I had set for myself. But my oh my I’m also grateful that I still love my candy. Now the next goal is to just eat it in moderation. I know I can do it, I’m speaking faith here. You know calling things that be not as though they were/are. ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿฝ

Does anybody else set goals such as this? I struggle with my bad eating habits and every once in a while I do this. But this is the FIRST time I didn’t long for candy after coming off the break. Even now I’m not craving candy. Don’t even want any. That right there alone is complete VICTORY. ๐Ÿ—ฃ๐Ÿ—ฃ.

Moral of the story is whatever you purpose in your heart you can accomplish. Resist and IT will flee. ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ

Happiness

You know I hear people say all the time they just want to be happy. What is happy. What does it look like? Each person has its own view of what happy is. But happy is situational. When everything is going well and in your favor you’re happy. But can you still be happy when things aren’t going well. When things are not going your way? I don’t knock what people want. But being happy is not my goal. I’ve taken a few lost in my life. Each one knocked the wind out of me. But I can honestly tell you that during those situations I was able to be happy from time to time. It was a thought process per se.

Dictionary definitions of happy:

hapยทpy
/หˆhapฤ“/
adjective
adjective: happy; comparative adjective: happier; superlative adjective: happiest; suffix: -happy
  1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
  2. “Melissa came in looking happy and excited”
    • having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation).
    • “I was never very happy about the explanation”
    • satisfied with the quality or standard of.
    • “I’m happy with his performance”
    • willing to do something.
    • “we will be happy to advise you”
    • (of an event or situation) characterized by happiness.
    • “we had a very happy, relaxed time”
    • used in greetings.
    • “happy birthday”
  3. fortunate and convenient.
  4. “he had the happy knack of making people like him”
  5. INFORMAL
  6. inclined to use a specified thing excessively or at random.
  7. “our litigation-happy society.

Now don’t get me wrong. Nothing wrong with striving to be happy. But for me what I’ve learned is that I can be happy at 4:30 PM and then sad at 4:31 PM. Just like that. So what I’ve come accustomed to is balance. Just trying to balance out everything. Being on the lookout and dealing with every emotion that enters my mind. If I feel it I work through it. I don’t deny it. I don’t brush it off. Now sometimes I’m not able to deal with my emotions by talking. I have to write. Other times I pray. But I no longer brush things off. I deal with it. Now I’m old school so I surely believe in picking and choosing my battles. Sometimes I find myself all mangled and contorted but then I use some tools such as meditating. Take six breathes in hold for eight and release ten. It works. I promise. After that I’m normally able to journal to work through the emotion.

When am I happy? When I’m watching tennis. When I’m those that I love. When my house is clean. When all my babies are doing well. When I see couples laughing and playing with each other. When I see puppies. I’m sure there are other moments that I’m happy too.

Yesterday I was driving to work. Me and my daughter were on the phone acting silly like we do. Not only was I happy but I was overwhelmed with joy because those that know us know we’ve had some challenges in our relationship. So when we ON I’m on cloud 13. I suck it all in too because I know if I should happen to disagree or tell her about herself she’ll cut me off. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. It’s cool though. I don’t bite my tongue around her. She always come back around and I welcome her with the same arms and love. But any who she told me she’d call me back so I called my grandmother. Now my grandmother is my prize piece. She raised me. She imparted your ways, thoughts, beliefs upon me. When I was younger they’d call me Lil Pennie because her name is Pennie. So I had asked her about baking. She answered my question and then said, “called me back during daylight.” Mind you it was about 1pm in the afternoon. So I said ok. But my feelings were hurt. I was no longer happy. I had to hold my head back to keep the tears from falling. I immediately called my uncle Dale, her care provider, but he didn’t answer. My daughter by then had called me back so I told her my concern. She tried to encourage me. But just like that my happiness turned to sadness.

My grandmother has dementia and I just can’t seem to accept it because she says things to me that in my mind she has to still be in her right mind. You couldn’t say the things she say if you weren’t. My uncle keeps trying to get me to accept it but sometimes I just can’t see it. I’m normally on cloud 13. I’m pushing 50 but I promise you I can play from 4am to about 8pm. I love to laugh. I love messing and picking on people. I dont know it’s just fun you know! ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚. I think I may have some adult ADHD along with many other things. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜ณ. Whatever. I’m just HAPPY, right? Well I was very down yesterday after the conversation with my granny. My other uncle said she was having a bad day. She wouldn’t feed herself so he had to feed her yesterday. Took me a couple hours to bounce back. See what I should have done was used a tool that I’ve learned in counseling instead of letting that emotion of sadness consume me. However I’m still proud of myself because I didn’t try to act like it didn’t bother me. I allowed myself to be in the moment with that feeling. My counselor would’ve been proud of that fact. But she would be asking me questions like what could I have done to not stay so low for so long. I’m sure if I were at home I’d had gone into the fetal position. I dont know why I’m afraid she’s going to die because the truth is, she’s going to die. But I promise you the thought works my nerves. She’s outlived a husband, two sons, and her only two daughters. The woman is a beast at this thing called life.

So back to happy. Happy is awesome. I love being and feeling happy. But I also know that being happy is situational. Hopefully you can tell somethings that make me happy by looking at my pictures throughout this post.

When are you most happy? What makes you happy? Have you ever been happy and then just like that sad? Talk to me.

Love

Merriam Webster definitions of love is as follows:

  • a  (1) : strong Affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties maternal love for a child
  •  (2) :attraction based on sexual desire :affection and tenderness felt by lovers After all these years, they are still very much in love.
  •  (3) :affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests love for his old schoolmates
  • b : an assurance of affection give her my love
  • 2: warm attachment, enthusiasm, or devotion love of the sea
  • 3a : the object of attachment, devotion, or admiration baseball was his first love
  • b  (1) : a beloved person : darlingโ€” often used as a term of endearment
  •  (2)British โ€” used as an informal term of address
  • 4a : unselfish loyal and benevolent(see benevolent) concern for the good of another: such as
  •  (1) : the fatherly concern of God for humankind
  •  (2) :brotherly concernfor others
  • b : a person‘s adoration of God
  • 5: a god (such as Cupid or Eros) or personification of love
  • 6: an amorousepisode : love affair
  • 7: the sexualembrace :copulation
  • 8: a score of zero(as in tennis)
  • 9capitalized, Christian Science: god
  • at love
  •  : holdingone’s opponentscoreless in tennis
  • in love
  •  : inspired by affection

Choose either one it’s nothing negative about the word love.

Now there’s 106 scriptures pertaining to love from the KJV of the Holy Bible. There’s no way I can list them all but here are a few:

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil.

And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness.

With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love.

And above all things have fervent charity among yourselves: for charity shall cover the multitude of sins.

Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen?

Oh my there are tons. And I didn’t pick or choose based on any criteria. My blog is simply about love. What it is. NOT what it is NOT.

I’m a tennis junkie. I love tennis. Everything about it. It makes me happy during my worst times. It makes me scream and holla. I love the fashion. I love tennis etiquette. I love the class of tennis. I love watching it. I use to take lessons but haven’t in years because honestly I’m not athletic at all. But I do plan to start back taking lessons soon.

I believe I have genuine love in my heart for others. I believe just as anyone else I can get heated. And I can get angry and go in but somehow or another if I care about you and/or love you then there isn’t NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING that I wouldn’t do for you. Hmmmm well maybe that’s a bit extreme. But you know what I’m saying. I have morals and values and beliefs that I won’t go against but outside of those I got you.

This is one of my many affirmations. I share in hopes that it’ll be yours too. I try to meditate daily. Clear my mind. Get some focus. Especially before I go to work.

This post is not about venting or complaining. I’m simply sharing and spreading love and hoping that every reader will do the same. Be encouraged on today. ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

Mind All Over the Place

So this post will probably be confusing because I just need to release. I need to talk so I’m coming her to do it. And it will for sure be unedited. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

I don’t have much to complain about. My needs are being met. I have a roof over my head. My children are doing well and my puppies are always loving on me. I have a job. I love the Lord and for a bonus, my 95 year old grandmother is still alive and well. So everything is everything, right?

Well it just depends. Depends on what’s “right” which is subjective, correct? I can’t seem to get my love life right. That’s my problem. And it’s stressing me out because I’m closer to 50 than away from it. I’m also not the one to go and hang out to meet somebody. Where most meet at work or school I can’t meet in either locations. I’m not in school. And 90% of the men in the airline industry are gay or taken. I don’t ever want to date a married man. I still have what most would say is old-time values so I’m probably not going to approach a guy. As a matter of fact if I’m not at work I’m at home. I’ve been working so much here lately that I’ve not even been to church. So I find time to go get my toes and nails done. My hair and maybe a smoothie. But that’s about it. So where oh where does one find love? And should a woman be looking for love? Remember I’m stuck in old times so everyone says. I’m cut from a different cloth. So my questions are honest and valid.

I was told I was needy. Ladies/Gents if a man tells you that what exactly does he mean? Is it a bad thing or a good thing? I say, “yes I’m needy.” I need my man. I need to be with my man. But do mean not want that nowadays? I’ve been out the game for so long that I’m lost, literally.

So I’ve been thinking a lot today. Thinking why I love the way I do. Thinking rather or not I should try to mimic with the new generation is doing? Should I not want to be with just MY man? Should I start having conversations with more than one man at a time? And what about sex? Should I have sex with multiple people? Of course with protection. But just to type that makes me want to throw up. ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ. But for real seems like today everybody is just wilding out. Do men still even cherish women? Do we even talk things through anymore? Or is everybody so independent and don’t need nobody that we tossing people to the side for

anything? They get tired that’s it. They Out? I mean for real. What’s really going on.

The internet is full of memes these days. How in the world do you choose people that choose you? ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”. The cloth I’m cut from taught me to fight fir what I want. Fight for the love I want. But how do you when the other person won’t entertain you? Are weak or stupid of you do fight? If you know you want to be with someone and things begin to go south do you throw in the towel? Or do you go after what you want? If so when is enough enough? What’s the tipping point? Is there one? Or do you just on and move forward as if you never had any feelings for a person? Is that being authentic? Or does that even matter? My Lord so many questions.

I guess I could just begin to accept the 21st century norms and just not give a care huh? I think I mention in another post that I don’t know how to do that though. If I love you I love you. Me moving on just doesn’t happen overnight. I saw this meme and I literally laughed out loud to keep from crying because I wish I knew how to not give a care. Life would probably be a little bit easier for me. But when I care about you, love you fir that matter I just don’t know how to just say forget it. I’ve been trained and conditioned to fight for love. But I admit I don’t know if anyone has ever taught for my love. ๐Ÿ˜ช๐Ÿ˜ช๐Ÿ˜ช. Nope not looking for pity. I just love these emojis. ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ.

Okay see in-spite of whatever is going on in my mind I find a way to smile, ALWAYS! so although I was showing my teeth in this photo, it’s a look of gratitude. For I’m thankful. I really am. I dont care what’s going on in my head I know where I come from and I also know what I’ve been through. So with that knowledge how dare me sit up and complain about anything. So don’t take this post as me complaining because I’m not. I’m actually seeking advice. Now mind you I pay a counselor so I should probably just send her this post. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”. Perhaps.

But to all those strong independent folks out there this meme is for you. Continue on. Be encouraged. ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

Bumping your head

There is a saying that goes something like this; “you can’t keep doing the same thing and look for different results.” Well I know this and I wholeheartedly believe in this saying. Question to self is, self! My self goes huh? Self says, ” why do you continue to do the same thing then?” My self goes I dont know. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. Is it only me? Am I the only crazy person around here?

I know better 99% of times I do something wrong or foolish. Like I have a strong mental but a soft heart. My heart makes me do things that my mental knows I shouldn’t. And not only that, the two of them have conversations with each other. And I’ll go a step further. My mental has conversations with my therapist too. So more times than not it’s mental two to the heart one. Somehow though the heart still gets me in trouble. So why? Why Sandra? ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

First I heard, “girl when you turn forty you gone have this I don’t give a care attitude.” Well I’m closer to fifty than I am to forty and guess what? Yeap you guessed it. I still give a care. Still being lead by the heart when I honesty believe I’m the last one left in this world that follows that flow. So now I’m hearing, “girl when you turn 50 you really not gone give a care.” I’ll wait. Come back in a few years and I’ll update you as to if I’ve stopped giving a care. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”

Growth is interesting. Sometimes you may not even know that you’re growing based on how you’re feeling. But I believe although things may not be going as you planned, you are still growing. Sometimes things are just simply not as they appear. Life is funny. As Maze says, “you have to take the rain with the sunshine.” So it’s a rolling average in my opinion. You can’t just base growth on a particular situation. You know you fall down and get back up. The fall is what happened. But the get up is the action you take towards growth.

I’m silly. I laugh a lot. I’m a smiler. Is that a word? ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿค”. Any who I’ve learned that situations that come in my life are not to destroy me. I’ve learned that I can make it through ANYTHING. As Paul states in Philippians 4:12, I’ve literally learned how to be abase and abound. Life and situations that you face will teach you this. Praise God for the bumping of heads. Can you even imagine life with no upheavals? No hardships? I can’t. A good bruise in life is like the scares on your hardwood floors. They both give character.

So today welcome the bumping of the heads. Stand tall and strong on your morals and value. Allow your heart to help your mental and vice versa. Welcome let down. Don’t go into hiding. Don’t resist it. Press through it all. Going through the fire isn’t all that bad. If you can believe that the three Hebrew boys came out not burned. Smoke free. How much more greater shall you come forward? Plus don’t you want to be tried like gold? Can you imagine buying gold that hasn’t been tried? ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ. Some people do but we not talking about those people here.

I have a friend guy that sleeps in his gold necklace and bracelets. Has for years. What if they weren’t pure gold? My Lord his body would be plagued with fungus. ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคฎ. Now do an analogy to you and your life not being tried just like gold not being tried. You’d be a mess. Moral of the story is we can withstand the fire. I promise you. The bumps on the head are so worth it. Learn to count it all JOY. Be encouraged on today my friends. ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

Iโ€™m learning

I’m learning not to fight every battle. Every situation doesn’t deserve my energy or to hear the thoughts going on in my head. That’s a big change for me. Normally everything that comes my way I deal with. I guess age and life will change you. I’m tired I guess. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿค”

I believe often times people know exactly what they’re doing and more times than not they are actually looking for a reaction from you. Then after you react you’re the one all in an uproar and the other person somewhere chilling. Plus I honestly know that my battles are not won in the natural. They are won in the spirit and that my victory will come via prayer. Awesome reminder, hmmmmm, little bit more prayer and less trying to reason or figure things out on my own.

I’m learning to not allow people and/or situations pull me out of my zone. I said I’m learning ๐Ÿคช๐Ÿคช. I’m not a 100% there but I can feel myself wanting to stop and think before I react now. I don’t necessarily want to get even or retaliate. Go San! Go San! ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€

You hear folks say life is short. Well I dont know if it’s short. I won’t know till mine ends and even then I still won’t know. ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคท๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ. But what I do want to do is live the best version of me as I possibly can. Evaluating myself daily. Taking inventory and adjusting as I need to. Be grateful for my journey. I want to love, kiss, and hug. I want to laugh, travel, and watch tennis. I want to make a difference in this world. I want to leave a legacy that my love ones will be proud of.

What a perfect visual โ˜๐Ÿฝ. This is exactly what we need. More hugging. More patience. More compassion. More empathy. More love. And I dont know about you but I need more Jesus.

On today I encourage you to stop and think before you react. Don’t worry about someone having the upper hand. Make sure you’re being authentic to you. Love hard. If someone doesn’t return the love don’t worry. That’s not your problem. But don’t let it stop you from being you. We all reap what we sow. I promise you. And at the end you’ll win the battle I promise you. Getting even has never helped me. Trust me I’ve tried it several times. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿฝโ€โ™€๏ธ

Smile! ๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€๐Ÿ˜€

Being A Mother

I started my motherhood career early. I didn’t know what I was doing. I probably still don’t know what am doing. My babies are 29, 27, and 22 years young and they’re by far my biggest and greatest accomplishment.

The journey hasn’t been easy. They grew up with me. It was all test and error. I pretty much applied all the good things my village taught me and tried to do away with the bad things. For example, I didn’t raise my babies on holidays. They’ve never had a Christmas tree, they never been trick or treating. They didn’t get money when they lost their teeth. They’ve never hunted for eggs. I told them from the beginning that it was ALL lies. Christ has nothing to do with any of that. But every year they took trips and gave back to less fortunate people. I thought those two were more important.

I also raised them in church. They seemed to love it when they were younger. I dont know if either of them faithfully goes now. But I do know that they know the word of God because they use on me when I’m cutting up. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”. So I know they know regardless if they are living it or not. I don’t live it 100% either and yes I know better too.

Overall I believe I raised three great creatures. They’re striving and thriving trying to figure this thing called LIFE out. So am I. I love all three of them. They were all raised in the same house for their entire lives but all three of them are totally different. It’s crazy too. Their personalities are HUGE. Where they get their personalities from I dont know. They’d say me but they are so much more grand than I am.

I’ve had a fallen out with all three of them. My fallouts with Kisha last the longest. Go figure. The first born. My only daughter. ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”๐Ÿค”. We cool right now as of this post and I pray we stay cool. I want us to do some work together to help other parents that struggle the same way we struggle. But we have a lot of work to do ourselves. But it’s on the list. Stay tuned for an organization to arise soon. Here lately I’m realizing that my oldest son is ME in the male body. ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ๐Ÿ˜ณ. How did that happen? He’s a force to be reckoned with.

My baby boy perhaps I breast fed too long but not literally. He’s still trying to figure life out at 22, and that’s okay. AGAIN, I’m still trying to figure it out too. We both love hot weather and wants to move somewhere that’s hot at least 360 days of the year. My oldest son will try anything once. Me and the other two we good with what we already know. Although the baby boy is starting to venture out a little bit here lately. ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ๐Ÿ™Œ๐Ÿพ

We’ve been through a lot as a young family. I dont know if it’s any more than any other family. Not really comparing. But we making it. I love being a mother. So much so that I want another one. However I’m not sure if that’ll ever happen. Nothing wrong with wanting, hoping, and wishing tho. ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ๐Ÿฅฐ

This Mother’s Day I was in the bed the entire day miserable in my body but happy in my heart. All three of my babies were with me. That hadn’t happened in years. So I was overwhelmed with joy!

To all the mothers out there enjoy the rides of ups and downs. Peaks and valleys. Cry. Laugh. You’re not perfect but I’m sure you’re the perfect mom to those that Jesus charged you to nurture. Don’t compare yourself. Pray. Believe. Strive. Thrive. Stand boldly in your convictions with what you feel is right. Love hard. Communicate. Stay involved. But most importantly breathe and be YOU, a beautiful Mom.

Enjoy the silly videos of me with my babies. We are not perfect but we are perfect for each other with all our troubles. Be encouraged.