All that we are is the result of what we have thought; thus so a man thinketh so is he. Proverbs 23:7
I know I long for love. Love stays on my mind constantly. Why, I don’t know. There is so much to think about throughout the day but yet my mind stays on love. I go about the day doing my job. Focusing on my goals but every break or moment in between I think about love. I think about being loved. I think about loving somebody.
What is wrong with me? Why am I so consumed with the topic of love? The feeling of love? Don’t we normally crave the things that we are missing? Well perhaps that’s why I constantly think of love. I’m lacking in that area.
Some people are so good that they can be by themselves forever. Some people don’t need nobody. They have everything they want within themselves and that’s awesome. That’s beautiful. As for me I can’t exist alone. And yes I shouldn’t say can’t. Let me change that; I don’t want to. I’m trying to be careful of the words I use because I believe that you can speak a thing into existence. I try to keep myself in a positive space and think on things that bring me joy! And thinking of love brings me joy! Writing about love brings me pleasure. Being in love is complete ecstasy.
I think about the good times. Ha! Here I go again with music. But didn’t Michael Jackson have a song that said, “I think about about the good times!” Yes, check it out here, https://youtu.be/dei_8HX_eVQ When I’m by myself I think about the good times. The times earlier this year when I felt loved. When I felt warm and cared for. I go back and look at pictures. I remember times spent together and they make me smile. Even as I type this I began to smile because, yes just the thought brings me joy!
I think of the good times with my children. Acting silly and talking about literally everything. I love that we can talk about everything together. Now we don’t always agree. I don’t agree with a lot of things that my children do but they also disagree with somethings I do or don’t do too. And we talk about it. The communication, even the bad talks, bring me joy! I understand that everything is not always pretty in life but I’ve also learned that there’s beauty in the bad times too. So I’m able to think of both the good and bad and I can find some happiness. Some beauty. Some joy!
I was a baby having babies so I grew up with my children and as they’ve become adults I realize how much I really love and need them. I love there smiles and our heart felt conversations. And trust me we’ve had some heavy hitters, but in my heart I get it all. Love for a child is something special. I don’t care how upset you get, you never stop loving, thinking, and caring about your children. I don’t even think it’s possible.
I think of the times with my Mista from earlier this year and I reminisce of the hand holding. The talks. The FaceTimes. The hugging and kissing. The playing. The intimacy. I think of the misunderstandings. I think of the times when we were “in our feelings.” Again I smile. I think of our personalities and our stubbornness and shake my head. It’s a shame how grown folks can allow things to get away. People to get away because of our pride and egos. I’ve been guilty of this. Now I fight for what I want. I fight hard too. I told a close friend of mine just last week, “fight for your marriage. Put your pride and your stubbornness away and fight for your marriage.” Folks think relationships are easy. That’s crazy to me. How in the world is two grown folks getting together from two different beliefs and walks of life easy? It doesn’t make sense to me. I’d like to think that I’m the most long-suffering person I know. The only other people I know that were and are more long-suffering is my pastor, Bro. Austin, his late wife, my late grand father Bill Abrams and my grand mother Pennie Merle. Oh and my bestie, Fuqua! But I hang in there for years. I forgive and forgive and forgive and I try to work through things. I just believe it’s the right thing to do. We do it with our jobs. We do it with our recreational activities. We even try different fashion statements and plenty of other things till we get what we want. So why are we so quick to give up on love? I don’t know. I just know I’m not. I won’t.
Sometimes when I’m not successful at mending relationships that I want, I feel like a failure! I feel defeated. I’m slowly but surely trying to get over this. When it comes to my children things are different then my relationships with men; That’s two people from different walks of life coming together trying to make it work. And it takes two. And yes it’s hard! When it comes to my children it’s a blood line. You see I grew up with my granny. Not my biological parents. I had so many outlets. I had so many homes and families that I could run to when someone at the current house made me mad. And as children do, I played each one against the other so I lived a life of pretty much getting everything I wanted. My children didn’t have that luxury. I was all they had growing up. So if they got upset at me they had to go to their rooms and talk about the situation amongst themselves or in their pillows. They were not allowed to talk back to me. They didn’t have a voice. They did what they were told. That’s it that’s all. They were the best children you could ask for. I didn’t know different till here recently. I thought my babies didn’t do wrong. My oh my was I ignorant. They’ve since shared their wrong doing and every time I learn something new I’m in a state of awe! But my long-suffering with them is different because regardless of the situation I’ll always be their mom and they will always be my children. We are like siblings in a sense that we get mad at each other and fall out and stop speaking, but something always brings us back together. I know that. Not so with my dude.
Can I just throw this in here? As I’m typing this blog post in my notes this wig is working my nerves. I so want to pull it off right here at work and undo my Bantu knots and look even prettier. I had to get that out. Lol! Okay back to the topic of love.
Basically I love love. I make no excuses for it. I love the good and the bad of it. Is that crazy or what? I love what loves stands for. I love how it’s patient and kind and understanding and forgiving. And it suffers long. It worketh no ill. It doesn’t keep score. It’s just beautiful to me and y’all know I love all things beautiful. Love is warm. It’s seamless.
I love love so much that I smell it. I smell my puppies when I’m not with them. I think of the times my children and I were out and about having a good time. I think of Mista smell. His lips. His walk. Him singing. My children come to mind throughout the day and I’ll start to laugh. I think of my granny and my grand daddy. Love, it makes me happy. I promise you it does. And the bad things, the disagreements, the arguing. The misunderstanding they are all apart of love. I think of the moments too and ponder what I could’ve done different.
Love is not simple yet it is. I guess it depends if you really want it or not. It means a lot to me. It’s a part of me. I love to give it just as much as I love to receive it. It’s breath taking. Thinking about love makes me happy. Writing about it does too. Being in love makes me ecstatic.
I had taken a break from writing this post and began to think about why I think so much about love. Maybe because I have a strong belief in Jesus and I know that Jesus is love, I love the entire concept of love so much. I use to be a fire cracker. Life has happened to me. I no longer wish to be a fire cracker. I only want love, peace, and joy! I don’t want no more fighting and hating. Yes I use to hate and would hate for a long time. I’m so over it. Takes too much energy. I was in a very bad place in my life at one point and the people I was around were all so angry, evil, and wicked. Every time I had a chance to speak to one of them I just spoke love. I don’t care where you are in life. What you’re going through, love is ALWAYS the way. It’s the only way. It’s so much easier too. I promise. I’ve been the hardcore woman. Strong. Bitter. Cut throat woman. Ask my children. Ask folks that’s known me, known me. They’ll tell you. But I’ve wasted a lot of time being that way. I’ve chosen love. I’ll continue to choose love. Even towards those that don’t reciprocate it back.
I wake up some mornings and I begin to just call out names of people and ask Jesus to touch their hearts and their minds. Keep them safe. Shower them with love. Some of us have been through so much that we’ve closed ourselves off. We weren’t meant to live alone. Women, we were made for men. Not the other way around. Men, you all were given to us for protection. For guidance. For leadership. For our covering. All of that, doesn’t it just sound like love! Who wouldn’t love love once they totally understood and surrendered to it. Let those guards down. Pain is a part of life. There’s a rainbow after all the pain, you simply endure. That’s all. Closing yourself off doesn’t keep you from pain. It may appear to but if you keep living you’re going to experience pain. Wouldn’t you want a love one to go through it with you? I know I would.