Sisterhood

Sis be careful who you call Sister. I don’t care if she is your sister from your parent. Sisterhood is PROVEN through valley experiences!

Are you really my Sister?

What does it mean to act white?

What does it mean when you’re black and another black person tells you you act like a white woman? Is that offensive or what? How do white women act? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been a white woman.

I LOVE my Blackness

I’ve heard this throughout my life that I act like a white girl and I looked like a white girl. It’s never bothered me before, but when it comes from somebody you like it feels different. Sort of like hmmmm. Wonder what they really mean. Or what they really think of me? It’s sort of disrespectful. Me and this person go way back and it hasn’t been until recently that they told me this. I sort of respect their opinions but this one has me feeling some kind of way.

I’m Pro Black

I use to not mind being called a white girl in regards to my body shape because back in the day white women where tall and thin and so am I. But in 2019 you see white women built like Serena Williams. Now I don’t know if they are buying these bodies or what! Every social media sight I’m on you see the white models telling you to do squats and/or lunges to get this perfect round butt. All I know is that I’ve squatted my knees out and I still don’t have a butt! So I tell myself that I just have a Sandra body. I’m Sandra and that’s awesome! I love my long legs and thin figure! I love that my inner thighs don’t rub. I’ve been told I have an athletic body. I’ll take that even though I’m totally NOT athletic.

Better get you a Sandra. Although there’s only one ME!

Back to this act like a white woman mess. The examples I was given is that I look like the type that would live in Buckhead Atlanta and walk my puppies with a big brim hat! What the what? LOL! So only white women do that? Isn’t that like thinking white women are more socially astute than black women? That’s condescending in my opinion. Another thing I was called out on was the fact that I’m rebuilding my credit. My credit took a lick a few years ago because me and my SOON to be EX made a financial decision that he didn’t uphold his part of the bargain. So, I was speaking on how excited I was that my score is on the rise. They go, “ain’t no black person thinking about credit.” Huh? Really? No black person is thinking about their credit!!! That’s crazy to me. Like flat foot crazy. Mind you this person says they have excellent credit and they are black. I wonder if the person thinks I’m having an identity crisis. And if so when did that begin? In their opinion. I think for the most part I’ve been the same. I’ve gain some weight. As they always say, “heck I’m 50 years old.” Although I’m not. I still have a couple more years. I’m in no rush. Plus I want that credit right by then. LOL! I mean I work a lot now something I’ve never had to do all my life. But that’s cool. This person works all the time too. So I know they respect my hustle. But the whole white woman thing is just totally not correct. I mean I act like a black woman. A beautiful black woman. An intelligent black woman. A black woman that’s putting the pieces of her life back together. Yes I love puppies. I’d love to walk my babies in a beautiful A-line dress and some nice heels and my hair done. But that’s not a white woman thing to me. Yes I love being thin. If I could gain weight and look like the traditional black woman I’d put on about 5 more pounds. Unfortunately my weight doesn’t come on me in such a way. I look like trailer park trash when I gain weight. Mind you I use to live in a trailer home within a trailer park. So I know what I’m talking about. I don’t get the big butt or the shapely thighs. I get HUGE breast. My inner thighs touch and my stomach and back get rows. None of which are cute on me. So I prefer to remain small. Also, I think my breast are still a lit bit too big (from when I did gain weight and looked liked trailer park trash, cute trailer park trash nonetheless) but oh well. It is what it is. I’m worrying about getting my credit back right and getting my savings back right so the breast will have to just be grateful for being cancer free. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I’m cute!

Can’t leave this white woman mess along. It’s stuck in my spirit. I love my blackness. As a matter of fact those that know me know I tan every year. I even go to the tanning salon and lay in a number 5 bronzer bed. So I’m super proud of my blackness. I don’t ever want to be white nor do I want white people tendencies. Whatever they are. My long legs are a blessing from my dad. My slim body is too. My loving spirit in general, I get from my Grandma. I’m very proud of that characteristic of mine. The fact that I’m culturally astute is because I’ve lived, I’ve traveled, and I’ve experienced life. I see nothing wrong with my way of living. I don’t bother nobody. I’ll help anybody and I love everybody. My Lord what a gift from Jesus.

And it’s beautiful just like ME

Embrace Your WOW Factor!

I started reading in 2017 and I can’t stop. At some point I need to put these books down and take action. However, every time I start, I see another good book, help me please! I need an intervention. But no not really! I try not to buy more books, I promise I do but I’ll pass it up and not buy it but It’ll stay in my mind. Before you know it I’m on Amazon buying the book.

I want to speak about a book I just read by Mrs. Paris Love titled, Embrace Your WOW Factor, 7 Ways to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses. I read this book yesterday. You will not stop till you finish reading it, I promise! It’s a quick read filled with golden nuggets that resonates with you. As you know I blog a lot about the emotional and mental trauma I’ve experienced. This sister here is on point with her steps to advance you beyond the hurt and pain. You can purchase your very own copy at EMBRACE Your WOW Factor: 7 Steps to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses https://www.amazon.com/dp/1692855913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EYJJDbD4MKMN0. And while you there order a copy for a friend girl like I did. I’d love to start an online book group to discuss the information that this book reveals.

A MUST Read!

People ask me all the time why do I forgive so easily. Or folks don’t understand how you can forgive someone for molesting your child. Or a spouse that has had a child on you while you’re still married. Honestly it’s not for anyone to understand. I can tell you that I often times don’t want to forgive. The easy thing is to stay in the pain. Have a pity party. Accuse the person of all their evil. Hold the grudge. Constantly lash out at them for the hurt. Question I have is what does that profit? They say San how can you smile through all you’ve been through? My question back to them is, how can I NOT smile through what I’ve been through. Regardless to what I’ve been through I have no need or desire to complain. Now mind you I went through phases where I wanted the first hubby killed, literally. And the second one I busted a vase over his head and damaged his precious baby, his convertible BMW. But it was for a season. I’m able to care and love both of them. Don’t wish either of them no harm. For after all that, I realized it was time to deal with Sandra. Renew Sandra. Fix Sandra. Love on Sandra! So I began counseling and put the work in.

As Mrs. Love spoke about balance and taking care of you in her book, I felt it all. When a person doesn’t take care of themselves, I call it being a busy body. Distractions. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re not taking care of ourselves because we clean up so well. We look soo good on the outside while the inside is literally deteriorating. I was fabulous at doing it all. I’d pay the $300 for the sew-in. I’d buy the hair bundles for $400 plus. I’d pay $2000 for the Valentino bag! Yes I did all that and some. But I was broken in the inside. See I was a busy body my entire life. I started having children early and got married early. Actually I’ve been married my entire adult life. And yes I love the institution of marriage! However my busy body activities were always trying to be a perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend. Give back to the community. Look out for others. I went through phases of blaming myself for years. See I know the word of God. Even when I’m not living it I know it. I beat myself up because I felt that had I been praying and watching as the Bible instructed then I would have known what was going on in my house. But I thank God for counseling and this book. And how I’m still learning to NOT blame myself and to STOP apologizing. The steps that Mrs. Love speaks about in her book that I love so much are biblical. It’s not Jesus desire for us to live under all this hurt and pain. And magnifying someone’s wrong doing does nothing for you. Often times when we hurt somebody it’s not the person that’s getting hurt that it’s about, it’s about the person that’s committing the actions. They’re dealing with their own demons. I learned this the hard way. When somebody hurts you, you want that person to suffer and suffer long. But when you in the mercy seat you want favor. You want understanding. You want forgiveness. I’m telling you I know what I’m talking about because I’ve experienced this. Let that mess go. Let it all go. Focus on you. Get help. I saw this and it hit the point the book and myself are encouraging us all to do.

Try it! Daily!

I also had to learn to stop with the negative talking. I’m broke. He hurt me. I’m tired. All that negative talking picks up momentum the more you feed it. So I had to learn to change my thought process. I still catch myself doing and I try to switch it up. I’m not broke. Stop buying dresses and going to watch tennis when you know you don’t have the money, which is probably NOT gone happen. I’m just being honest here! Sis the book speaks on all that. The Bible even teaches us that’s it’s not what goes in the body that defiles the temple. It’s what comes out. It teaches us there is life and death in the tongue. I love reading. Absolutely love it. And I only read self-help, non-fiction and autobiographies, biographies, and memoirs. But guess what? Everything we need is in those 66 books! I promise you. The Holy Bible is THE Book!

Mrs. Love speaks of living in the NOW! How many of you know that the word of God teaches us to take no thought for tomorrow? Look it up. It’s in there. Why worry about tomorrow? It has its own issues. Plus he said if he feeds the birds how much more will he do for us. The bird don’t be flying around stressed and worried. Sis again, let that mess go. Take in today. It’s beautiful. We miss so much worrying about tomorrow and yesterday too. Here’s a problem that I have. Something happens, let’s say on Monday. I shake it off or really don’t even realize it happened. Come Wednesday I’m all the way back in Monday analyzing what happened. How crazy is that? But I do this. It’s stressful. It’s unnecessary. Don’t let me go to that person. They be like, “San gone with all that!” I’m telling you thats crazy huh? But I do that. But guess what I can work on that. And it all starts with me.

Also I like how she recognized she had to go through her experiences to get the book! Yes sisters. There is a book in us. Don’t feel bad. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t force something that won’t fit. Go through. Get the testimony. Get the book! My Lord I felt that. I was just sharing with a sister that I have this burning in my belly that gives me anxiety because I want so very badly to tell and share my story because I know it’ll help others. She encouraged me to step out on faith and I know she’s right. But I know my weakest characteristic is patience. I have none. I was talking a friend on yesterday about working on getting myself back together. Sometimes I get discouraged because I can’t do the things I use to do. That right there is a negative thought process because that’s living in the past. See I’m not there either Sis but I’m working on it. We will all get there is we acknowledge it and put the work in. Take day by day and step by step.

Romans 12:3

I think over the years I’ve convinced myself that I was this perfect mom and wife. Well the truth of matter is that I wasn’t. And I’m not. I wasn’t faithful. I think I’ve justified my lies and deceit because it was always with the same guy over the years. But reality is a lie is a lie. I will never be perfect nor do I have a desire to be. However I do have a desire to always strive to be a better version of myself. Sometimes to others that can look like being ungrateful but I know that it’s me striving and thriving. Something that I wholeheartedly believe in. Perhaps that’s the real truth why I can forgive so easily. I don’t know.

Anyways sisters get the book. Read the book. Pray. Seek help. Learn to get you a daily praise. Get yourself by yourself and start dealing with YOU. What I’ve come to realize is that most of our hardship begins with US. it’s something going on in the insides. But one thing I do know is the struggles, the battles, the let downs, the upsets, the heartbreaks, they all come to build character. They’re not for our destruction. You can live after the pain. As a matter of fact you will live after the hurt. But it’s going to be up to you how you choose to live. I love you and I love this book. Mrs. Paris Love thank you for this gem. Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for being authentic!

Adulting on Social Media

Let’s talk about being an adult. This post is from my eyes. I think my eyes are relatively okay because I’ve had LASIK surgery. However I do need reading glasses now. Any who, let’s discuss what it is to be an adult. What some of the behaviors should be of an adult. And let’s make it relate to social media some how.

It’s interesting!

I remember sitting on my front porch watching all the kids on the block and thinking to myself, I can’t wait to get grown so I can do what I want to do. My granny nor my aunts and uncles thought I should be outside running up and down the streets like the other children. Little girls were suppose to look cute and sit pretty. Not run around and sweat and get funky. Huh? That’s exactly what I should’ve been doing. But nooooo I had to sit on the porch and look cute. Lord k las back in my day you didn’t dare talk back and get flip at the lip like these kids do. Noooo way! But my oh my I could’ve really said some things. But now as an adult I can play and still be pretty.

Sitting Pretty! 🤣🤣

See I thought and still do think that as an adult I don’t have to lie. I don’t have to pretend. I can speak my mind. My yes is a yes and my no is a no. I’m able to apologize when I make a mistake. I TRY to mind my own business. I typed try in all capital letters because I literally try. Not perfected it yet.

Trying to mind my own business

On social media I don’t “slide” in people boxes. This term “slide” is new for me. I learned it earlier this year from my daughter and my nephew. I thought it was cute. It meant to come by my place or where ever am at. But noooo, I’m learning that it’s what grown people do to other grown people in their inboxes. It’s also called DM, direct message. My people this is not cute. This is not a characteristic of adulting. I want you all to stop this. Now if you’re going to “slide” to introduce me to a business or a product or to give me warning I’ll accept that. But to call me baby or sexy, that’s a no no. Grown people that’s not right. Again this is seen through my vision. I also think that grown people should stop with things like GM, WYD, HRU, unless you know the person. Unless you have established this line of communicating. But if you’re “sliding” in someone inbox for the first time this is a turn off. And trust me no one wants to be called baby if you don’t know them unless you’re a rapper. If you’re going to “slide” address the person by their name. Also I’m old school, sexy has a sexual connotation to me so if you don’t know me you shouldn’t approach me in that manner. Thus again another turn off. See it’s just too much you don’t know about the person you’re contacting or “sliding” to. That’s why it’s just not a good thing to do. Now there are dating apps that perhaps these behaviors maybe welcomed. For some. But as for me I just don’t like it. I got on a dating app last year and it vexed me. I couldn’t take it. Those people didn’t even know me and to say they wanted to get to know me was just nasty. I was like why? So I had to really ask myself then why are you on here San? I deleted the app after a week. I would get 50 email alerts a day. Are we really this desperate to be with someone? I had to ask myself that. So as for me I’m not looking to mate on social media. But back to being an adult on social media, stop all that foolish behavior. If you’re looking to date from social media, request to be a friend and follow the person. You can tell who I am and what I’m about with what I post. As a matter of fact I just told a cat this Monday. I politely asked him to not “slide” in my inbox any more.

Be smart about it! Please!

I love people. I’ll talk to anybody. Literally. I do it for a living. And I smile. I smile a lot. I don’t know. For the most part I’m a happy person. My life maybe in chaos but I see beyond it. I’ve had a beautiful life. Some struggles. Ups and downs here and there. Some break ups and make ups. Disappointing times but honestly my good outweighs my bad so I’m good. I have more peace than not. I have nothing to complain about. So, yes I smile a lot. But trust me I’m not weak. I’m not flirting. Often times I don’t even see you. I’m just going about my day. It’s easier for me to think on my good than my bad. My good makes me smiles. You have no idea what goes on in this old head of mine.

I stay thinking!

So basically I just wanted to come here and vent out a little frustration because I feel like this past year I’ve been getting punked. People coming at me at all angles on social media. Know that I’m not looking to find my man on social media. I’m not looking period. I love people. I love interacting with people. Especially if you love tennis, spas, shopping, or traveling. So if we are vibing that still doesn’t mean I want to be with you. Just lay low. Chill out. Let’s just chat. Don’t be disrespectful. Problem is you may feel you’re not being disrespectful and that’s because you really don’t know me. You don’t know what I like or don’t like. Right now I’m stuck in 1995 so I’m telling you until I deal with me I’m not a good fit for you because I’ll get with you and tell you some ole stupid ish like if I’ll cheat on you with some joker I knew from years past. You don’t want that nor do you deserve it. Grown people stop “sliding” in these inboxes on social media. It’s not cool. It’s not adulting behavior in my humblest opinion.

Coming from my heart!

Now go and sin no more or shall I say, “slide” no more. Be encouraged on today.

Peace! ✌🏽✌🏽

My thoughts on The Algebra of Happiness

I read a book titled, The Algebra of Happiness by Scott Galloway. I love his writing. I read his first book, The Four, which was a New York Times Best Seller. The only bad thing I’ll say is that he’s an atheist. I’ve always believed that the concept was foolish. For one not to believe that something exist you almost have to believe it does exist. Atheism to me is an oxymoron, you know like a soft brick. For me to say that the grass is not green I have to know what the color green looks like, this the color green is in fact an actual color. So he knows that there is a God. But hey that’s just me. I’m no brain doctor so please don’t beat me up. Remember this is a judge free zone. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. I do love the fact that he likes tennis though. He mention tennis in both of his books when trying to explain something. So I’ve come to the conclusion that he loves tennis. And if he doesn’t oh well this is my blog so it’s true on here. 😜😜😜. I believe he’s a Rafa fan. And that’s cool. I’m a Roger fan but I respect Rafas’ game. 🎾🎾🎾.

Anyways, in this book he says that “Love and relationships are the ends and everything else in between is the means. This resonates with me deeply. I’m an introvert and an extrovert which actually makes me an ambivert. It just depends on the situation and the people involved. I don’t mind being by myself but I don’t want to be alone. And I don’t like being around a lot of people or crowds but I love going to see an artist that I love, perform because I love seeing live bands and music. I totally agree that everything we chase in the end it’s all about love and THE relationships. Even after two failed marriages and losing pretty much everything I’m still going to fight for love and relationships. I love how he’s authentic in the book about his attitudes and his ways. He confesses his flaws. He acknowledges that he needs to work on things and that he really is. He talks about his mental health and his bouts with depression. I think it takes good character and morals to speak of ones perceived short comings. Up until a couple of years ago I would have never told my flaws the way I do now. But I find healing in doing so. It brings about a sense of peace. I feel free. Liberating. I remember when all the black girls where starting to go natural. Everyone kept speaking of it be liberating. I never really felt that about wearing my natural hair. For me as long as when I put myself together I feel cute, I don’t care if it’s natural hair, extensions, or a wig. I just love being cute. 😇😇😇. But writing and blogging about my truth is liberating. It makes me happy. I find joy in it. It’s calming too. It’s like listening to jazz music. Or watching Ken Ford play the violin in person. I simply love it. I wish I could do it more often. I’m sure one day I will. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽.

He speaks about nothing is ever as bad or as good as it seems. I know this to be true. I’ve been in some bad, terrible, horrible situations. Situations where I wanted to just die. Looking back I can honestly say that it wasn’t that bad. Not until death bad at least. And I’m not discrediting the situations at all. But on this side of them I can see the beauty in them. I can see that I was resilient in the sense that the situations didn’t take me out. I came through. I can still smile and laugh. I can still love and I still want to be loved. You know some people go through things and it takes them under. It changes their entire life. I’m not discrediting that option or outcome. But I’m grateful that I do serve a God that has literally walked with me through it all. He gave me favor amongst my enemies. He allowed me to endure and overcome right before their eyes. Through it all I’m learning true forgiveness. I’m first learning to forgive myself. I held myself accountable for years for something that happened. I felt like I allowed it to happened. I’d talk to my right shoulder and be like I wouldn’t dare allow something like this to happen. But my left shoulder would be accusing me all along. Because I was too saved to realize that I needed help I dealt with it all alone. I’d pray and I’d fast. I’d shop till I drop. I’d go to the spa multiple times a week. You know doing everything but dealing with the situation. It never went away. I was just applying bandaids to it year after year. I walked around like I was cool and over it but my insides were being tormented. This whole authentic thing is so freeing. I love coming here to release. One thing for sure I know I’m not the only person that’s dealing or have dealt with similar things. I promise you one day soon I’ll be able to tell my entire life story with no repercussions.

He says, “Love received is comforting, love reciprocated is rewarding, and love given completely is eternal.” Unconditional love is the goal. I’m sure of it. I don’t know if I’m there yet. As a matter of fact if I’m being authentic, I know I’m not there yet but it’s my goal. Eternal love. To have everlasting love one MUST practice forgiveness and we can’t keep score. It’s a given we’re human. Thus we will make mistakes. So if the love is unconditional than you have to accept those mistakes. I use to say things like, “you’re not gone play me for no fool.” Huh? What does that even mean? 🤔🤔🤔. I’m not advocating lying on your back and just allowing someone to continue to hurt you perpetually. I’m not saying that. But I do believe that unconditional love means that you have to continuously forgive. You have to not keep score. Just as bad as I want unconditional love I also want to be able to give unconditional love. The good book speaks of seeing past the person faults and seeing the need. That’s the place I’m striving to get to. So I’m not preaching to choir. I’m honestly trying to accomplish this stuff myself. And let me tell you it’s not easy. It takes some denying yourself. It takes some calling yourself out on your own bull. It takes being honest and authentic. It takes prayer, fasting, and counseling. It takes picking and choosing your battles. As important as I think I am it’s taking me to not be selfish. Be considerate. Have compassion. Having sympathy and even better having empathy. It takes a lot. Commitment and dedication are key too. I read somewhere that consistency compounds. So it’s a daily practice. We won’t accomplish unconditional love if we don’t work at it daily. You don’t think something as important as unconditional love is going to just fall in our laps do we? Oh noooo. 🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️. Nope! Not gone happen. Somethings we have to take by force. Matthew 11:12. We have to put the work in. So like Betty White says, “anything worth having is worth fighting for.” Or whatever she said. You get the drift. 😇😇😇.

The book was so much more than this. Overall it was an awesome easy read. He draws you in with his authenticity. That’s what makes it so easy to read. I love reading. I read biographies, autobiographies, memoirs, and non-fiction books. I don’t do a lot of novels. I surely don’t read urban or fiction books. It’s enough of that mess right before my eyes. I enjoy books that check me. Make me think. Make me want to do better. Be a better person. Because that’s truly my goal. And this book does just that.

Reading is life altering. As the saying goes, it’s fundamental. Nothing like wrapping up and getting into a good book. So if you’re looking for a guide to happiness. If happiness is your goal I’d highly recommend this book. I’d also consider it a night stand reference tool too. Be encouraged my good people. 🥰🥰🥰

Living through it All

This is probably going to be a post where I talk about all sorts of things and I may not be able to tie it all together. We shall see! Sometimes I blog from a place of chaos. Doesn’t mean anything is going on just sometimes my thoughts are all over. And on this morning I have so much going on in my head. I think I’ll share a piece of my journal with you from 2017. You’ve heard me mention I was in a dark place for a season of my life. The other day I went through some of those journals and I laughed and cried. The tears weren’t bad though. I didn’t relive the pain. The tears were that I became so proud of myself that I took the time to actually deal with myself and my feelings. Like remember I’ve had an image to portray. I had to appear like I had it all together. A perfect marriage. Perfect and awesome kids. Saved. Sanctified. Holy Ghost filled. Nice house and car. Designer clothes. You know, I had to act like my stuff didn’t smell. 🤣🤣🤣. Mind you I don’t know where I got that idea from. I don’t know who told me I had to live a lie. I’ve never been big on television. I don’t do reality shows. I think I was raised okay. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. So where did all the faking come from? Good People, I don’t know! Heck perhaps if I knew I wouldn’t have been behaving that way.

The other day I was trying to find a particular writing that I did but came across a posting of me trying to explain the pain I was experiencing. I can tell you I know that I was losing faith during that entry. I can tell from my writing. No need to share the entire entry for it was three pages long. You know, someone said to me the other day that I act like what I’m going through doesn’t hurt. Like everything is okay. The person said they know I’m hurting because had it happen to them they’d be hurting. I don’t know why the person feels that way. They are entitled to feel how they please. I’ve never fronted like I don’t experience hurt. Anger. Pain. Like I don’t get upset. But what I’ve decided to do is not allow the situation to consume me. I’m not going into the fetal position. Therapy has cost me a lot of money because my counselor is out of network so I’m paying a lot of money to see her. How I deal with my emotions are different now. What does it profit me to cry all day or lay around with unforgiveness in my heart. Or hate people. So what I do is try to work through the emotions when they come up. I read. I write. I journal. I blog. Sometimes I do a little work out routine. I’ve learned some skills to help me with my emotions. I don’t ignore them. Nope! Not any more! I work through them. I shared with you all a book I use and it’s an awesome resource. I promise you it’s helpful. Meditation is also helpful. You can do it at any time. Any place. But guess what regardless if you deal with your situations or not life goes on. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m moving along. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️.

I had always said if I ever got married again that I wasn’t getting a divorce. We will fight through whatever. But in order for that to happen, the fighting part, it takes two. You can’t fight by yourself. Well I guess you can and I have, for years! Just not anymore. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽. I also had to consider what I was accepting. And even then how much I wanted to accept. At some point reality comes and slap you around like they do on WWF. At that moment you have no other choice but to wake up.

Every post I write on here my goal is to inspire. Uplift. Encourage. I never want you to leave the page feeling worst than when you came. But I also must speak MY truth. No more tip toeing around or sugar coating my feelings. My goal moving forward is to be transparent. Authentic. I pray that’s what we all want to do. I’m going to let all my skeletons out. For no one on this earth is really able to judge anyone. Now I know the good book tells us to judge righteously. So the good book is right and I’m wrong. So if you want to call me out for something biblically feel free but please be walking the walk yourself. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

So here’s an excerpt from a dark moment in my life. Let me know what you think. Have you ever felt this way? What did you do to bounce back? Did you work through it or did you act like you were so strong and ignored the pain? Either way I want to hear from you! Remember we in a judge free zone here. Be encouraged on today. Life is beautiful. A scripture that stays in my heart is this, There is NO temptation common unto man that Christ won’t make a way to escape. We can overcome anything. I promise you we can. If you want to know where the scripture can be found google it. It’s 2019. Do we even need a Bible today? Don’t answer that. Of course we do. 😜😜😜

Girl you’re glowing

I was told today that I look awesome. That I had a glow about myself. I keep hearing that lately. I’ve been told this by several people, male and female. I don’t know what it means exactly. I look happy? Shiny? I do have oily skin! Regardless to what they mean I’m grateful for the compliment. For if we are comparing June 13th 2018 to June 13th 2019 I surely have something to glow about. I am happy and my face is shiny and it’s my prayer that I continue to glow! 🥰🥰🥰

I’m trying to keep my circle small and eliminate drama in my life. I don’t care who you are if you’re not going to make me laugh or smile I don’t want you in my presence. I no longer care about the fancy houses and cars. I don’t care about the designer shoes and clothes no more. I want love, good love making, tennis, and to travel. Yes I do. Go ahead, judge me. I dont care! 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

You know I don’t know if there is such a thing as a real woman or a real man. As compared to what? A fake person? 🤔🤔🤔. Whatever. I’d say I’m going through a growth sprout. I’ve lived a little and learned a lot. I’m still me though. I’m still silly. Loud and very country. Yes ma’am I am. Born and raised on the south side of Chicago but as country as those from deep Mississippi. And I love it. I’ve been blessed my entire life. Inspite of the things I’ve gone through I’ve been fortunate that none of my upheavals have destroyed me. As a matter of fact they’ve made me stronger. Wiser. Taught me compassion. Empathy. Things that I hadn’t always had for people that I didn’t care about. So I thank Jesus for every scare for they’re my testimony.

People say, “San how can you forgive this person or that person for what they’ve done?” My response is the same way Jesus keeps forgiving me. My Lord I mess up everything. If not by action or by speaking then for sure by my thoughts. So it’s so easy for me to forgive now. It’s not always been easy though. I use to cut people off so quick. I’d give them “a piece of my mind” so quickly. Now not so much. Especially if you’re someone I care about. I want to talk it out. Try to reason with you. It just makes more sense to me.

On today I totally feel unbothered. Woke up this morning happy and feeling a sense of peace. I have not one complaint. Regardless to what’s happened or going to happen or what’s happening right now I feel fabulous. Sometimes different little things pop up in my head and I just laugh or smile. Like it just happened. 🤣🤣🤣.

You know I’m a special individual. Literally. My thought process is weird folks may say. I’m Green I’ve been told. Im stuck in another time frame. I think different. I’m old fashion. Yeah I’m all that and I love it. So have your thoughts about me. Who cares? I don’t! I know that I’m a good person. A lot of imperfections and flaws. But a huge heart full of love. Full of hope and encouragement. I believe that’s the glow they see in me. They see that heart of mine. I mean well. Don’t want to hurt no one. Just want to laugh, love, and live. And guess what? I pray that everyone that reads this post do the same. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

It’s Over Now

My theme in my heart this week is it’s over now. I mean that literally. Everything I’ve been through. All the bad memories. All the pain. The setbacks. The letdowns. The fighting and arguing. The holding grudges. The lying and cheating. It’s Over Now!

Sunday, the beginning of the new week is the beginning of a new life for me. All things beautiful. I’ve decided to see the good in everything and everyone. I don’t care what they’ve done or doing. I’m only seeing the good. Everything else is rolling off and underneath me. I will have tunnel vision that will only see the good.

It’s so much easier. It’s easier to stay in that zone of peace and there is no way to do that if you’re constantly allowing situations and people to pull you in every direction. You have to be able to stand and not be tossed to and from. What I’ve learned is that in life you’ll have good days and all will be well. But you will also have bad days and guess what? All can still be well. It’s how you deal with those bad days. Everything is based on perspective.

Has anyone read the book, Man’s Search for Meaning? If not you should. It’s about a doctor and how he overcame being in a concentration camp and losing his family. He survived. It was all perspective. It really is. Now the book is deeper than that. If you haven’t read it you should. If you’re wondering why you going through. Or if you can make it through what you going through you should read this book to get some insight.

I had been meaning to blog about why I believe life is NOT short. Instead of blogging about why I believe life is NOT short I’d encourage you to read the book. After reading this book come back and give me your thoughts. I’d love to know if you still think life is short. I believe life is what you make it. I believe we can easily live to be 110 years young but it’s going to take a lot of effort on our part. There are many editions of the book out there. This is the one I read. I pray you can read and grasp the meaning.

I’ve been very busy here lately working and dealing with life but I wanted to come by and just leave some encouragement. Check out this song on YouTube. Listen to the words and then dance and dance like no one is watching too. #beencouraged 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽

I like candy

I’ve been working a lot to keep myself busy and to stay out of trouble. Yeap I’m grown but can still find myself in some type of trouble. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. Just keeping it 💯 as the young people say. 😉😉

For the entire month of May I took myself off candy. It first started off hard. I would have headaches and be sort of antsy, if that’s a word and I pray it’s spelled right if so. 🤦🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️. So come June 1st I wanted candy very badly, so I thought. Like I thought I just had to have some. I went and got me some red vines. Of course I ate them like they were the last supper. 🤣🤣. But guess what? The next morning I woke up with a stomach ache. 😪😪.

So about two days later I tried to eat some more candy. This time some chocolate turtles. Now you know your granny gave you turtles when you were a kid. Everybody love turtles. Welp, guess what? Nope!! I couldn’t eat them. What in the world is happening to me? I’ve loved candy my entire life. Lord you can’t possibly be taking that taste away from me now?🤔🤔. Or are you? Please don’t answer that. 🙅🏽‍♀️🙅🏽‍♀️

So right about now I’m looking just like this filter from Snapchat has me looking. Crazy. There is no way a sister can stop having candy be a part of her diet. So okay the next thing is this. I was somewhere and saw this grown woman with some tropical Mike & Ike’s. So I said to myself, “self, you know you love those.” So I went right to the store and got me some. Oh my Jesus they were soooooo good. My Lord they were the best. I ate the WHOLE box. I sure did. The big size too. I sure in the heck did. Don’t judge me at all. 👊🏽👊🏽. I begin to thank Jesus that I hadn’t lost the taste on my pallet for candy. Praise God! Hallelujah! 🙌🏾🙌🏾🙌🏾

So now on this Wednesday afternoon I’m feeling AWESOME. I’m grateful and thankful to the sweet gods that I’ve not lost the taste for candy. I’m extremely happy. I’m blessed that Jesus gave me the power to resist and stay faithful for the goal that I had set for myself. But my oh my I’m also grateful that I still love my candy. Now the next goal is to just eat it in moderation. I know I can do it, I’m speaking faith here. You know calling things that be not as though they were/are. 🙏🏽🙏🏽

Does anybody else set goals such as this? I struggle with my bad eating habits and every once in a while I do this. But this is the FIRST time I didn’t long for candy after coming off the break. Even now I’m not craving candy. Don’t even want any. That right there alone is complete VICTORY. 🗣🗣.

Moral of the story is whatever you purpose in your heart you can accomplish. Resist and IT will flee. 💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽

Happiness

You know I hear people say all the time they just want to be happy. What is happy. What does it look like? Each person has its own view of what happy is. But happy is situational. When everything is going well and in your favor you’re happy. But can you still be happy when things aren’t going well. When things are not going your way? I don’t knock what people want. But being happy is not my goal. I’ve taken a few lost in my life. Each one knocked the wind out of me. But I can honestly tell you that during those situations I was able to be happy from time to time. It was a thought process per se.

Dictionary definitions of happy:

hap·py
/ˈhapē/
adjective
adjective: happy; comparative adjective: happier; superlative adjective: happiest; suffix: -happy
  1. feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.
  2. “Melissa came in looking happy and excited”
    • having a sense of confidence in or satisfaction with (a person, arrangement, or situation).
    • “I was never very happy about the explanation”
    • satisfied with the quality or standard of.
    • “I’m happy with his performance”
    • willing to do something.
    • “we will be happy to advise you”
    • (of an event or situation) characterized by happiness.
    • “we had a very happy, relaxed time”
    • used in greetings.
    • “happy birthday”
  3. fortunate and convenient.
  4. “he had the happy knack of making people like him”
  5. INFORMAL
  6. inclined to use a specified thing excessively or at random.
  7. “our litigation-happy society.

Now don’t get me wrong. Nothing wrong with striving to be happy. But for me what I’ve learned is that I can be happy at 4:30 PM and then sad at 4:31 PM. Just like that. So what I’ve come accustomed to is balance. Just trying to balance out everything. Being on the lookout and dealing with every emotion that enters my mind. If I feel it I work through it. I don’t deny it. I don’t brush it off. Now sometimes I’m not able to deal with my emotions by talking. I have to write. Other times I pray. But I no longer brush things off. I deal with it. Now I’m old school so I surely believe in picking and choosing my battles. Sometimes I find myself all mangled and contorted but then I use some tools such as meditating. Take six breathes in hold for eight and release ten. It works. I promise. After that I’m normally able to journal to work through the emotion.

When am I happy? When I’m watching tennis. When I’m those that I love. When my house is clean. When all my babies are doing well. When I see couples laughing and playing with each other. When I see puppies. I’m sure there are other moments that I’m happy too.

Yesterday I was driving to work. Me and my daughter were on the phone acting silly like we do. Not only was I happy but I was overwhelmed with joy because those that know us know we’ve had some challenges in our relationship. So when we ON I’m on cloud 13. I suck it all in too because I know if I should happen to disagree or tell her about herself she’ll cut me off. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️. It’s cool though. I don’t bite my tongue around her. She always come back around and I welcome her with the same arms and love. But any who she told me she’d call me back so I called my grandmother. Now my grandmother is my prize piece. She raised me. She imparted your ways, thoughts, beliefs upon me. When I was younger they’d call me Lil Pennie because her name is Pennie. So I had asked her about baking. She answered my question and then said, “called me back during daylight.” Mind you it was about 1pm in the afternoon. So I said ok. But my feelings were hurt. I was no longer happy. I had to hold my head back to keep the tears from falling. I immediately called my uncle Dale, her care provider, but he didn’t answer. My daughter by then had called me back so I told her my concern. She tried to encourage me. But just like that my happiness turned to sadness.

My grandmother has dementia and I just can’t seem to accept it because she says things to me that in my mind she has to still be in her right mind. You couldn’t say the things she say if you weren’t. My uncle keeps trying to get me to accept it but sometimes I just can’t see it. I’m normally on cloud 13. I’m pushing 50 but I promise you I can play from 4am to about 8pm. I love to laugh. I love messing and picking on people. I dont know it’s just fun you know! 🤣😂🤣😂. I think I may have some adult ADHD along with many other things. 🤷🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️🤔😳. Whatever. I’m just HAPPY, right? Well I was very down yesterday after the conversation with my granny. My other uncle said she was having a bad day. She wouldn’t feed herself so he had to feed her yesterday. Took me a couple hours to bounce back. See what I should have done was used a tool that I’ve learned in counseling instead of letting that emotion of sadness consume me. However I’m still proud of myself because I didn’t try to act like it didn’t bother me. I allowed myself to be in the moment with that feeling. My counselor would’ve been proud of that fact. But she would be asking me questions like what could I have done to not stay so low for so long. I’m sure if I were at home I’d had gone into the fetal position. I dont know why I’m afraid she’s going to die because the truth is, she’s going to die. But I promise you the thought works my nerves. She’s outlived a husband, two sons, and her only two daughters. The woman is a beast at this thing called life.

So back to happy. Happy is awesome. I love being and feeling happy. But I also know that being happy is situational. Hopefully you can tell somethings that make me happy by looking at my pictures throughout this post.

When are you most happy? What makes you happy? Have you ever been happy and then just like that sad? Talk to me.