Thankful but Sad

I’m so thankful on today for life. I promise you I am. Jesus knows my heart that I’m so very thankful. But I’m also sad. When the cares of life slap you in the face real hard it has a way of making you feel very sad.

I do know that it’s times like this the Lord is doing a work on me and I have to just allow things to happen and keep the faith. Nevertheless my feelings are valid.

I started this post on Saturday and now it’s Wednesday. I’m not necessarily sad but I’m in a constant state of analysis. Analyzing everything. Taking inventory of my life. My counseling said something to me Monday night that has resonated within me so strong. I have to go back to age 16 and begin to develop emotionally. I was like huh? But upon hearing her explanation it makes total sense. You know this thing called life is not a race. My goal is to get whole. To become complete naturally, physically, and spiritually. So how ever long the process takes I’m in it for the long haul.

Anyways let me here from you. How do you deal with your emotions? Are you at a place in your life where you’re taking inventory? If so tell me your process.

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A New Year

I’ve never believed in new year resolutions. I do believe in setting goals but not necessarily for the new year.

I brought in the new year in church. My pastor gave us a message to focus on and that is, more dedication, more focused, and more faithful. So this is my goal. I sincerely want to be more in all three categories. I have to start with focus. I need to be more focused. Here lately I’m tossed to and fro like the leaves on the ground during the fall season. I have things that I want to accomplish but allow life and situations to make me lose focus. This must stop this year. What do I plan to do to make it stop? Well let me tell you.

I plan to start using a schedule. By this I mean I plan to start using a planner and plan out my days by the hour. No longer will I allow social media, CNN, and tennis to consume me. It seems that every down minute that I have is spent amongst those three categories. That must change. My dedication is being given to things that won’t produce any good fruit. And now that I’m aware of this I must do something to change that. Moving forward I plan to plan out my entire day. From the time I’m awake till the time I lay down I want to be able to account for my time.

I also plan to get me an accountability partner. Someone that will hold me accountable for what I say and do. I don’t want someone that will be a pushover either. I want someone that’s firm and focused themselves. Someone that will call me out on my Tom foolery. It’s time out for all this sensitivity and always trying to take the easy way out. There’s a life out here to be lived and moving forward I plan to live it.

I also plan to take care of myself better. Watch what I put in my body and also most importantly watch what comes out of my body, mainly my lips. As Paul said, “all things are lawful unto me but all things are not expedient.” So through prayer and fasting I plan to get ahold of this flaw of mine.

Once I’m focused I can commit to be more dedicated and faithful. And with this I plan to ensure that my goals can be measured and that they are attainable so that I stay encouraged.

So to you my fellow readers what goals are you setting for yourself? Let me hear from you.

Waiting for my baby boy to have knee surgery..

As I set here thinking of life, my life, so much is running around in this dome of mine that I don’t know where to begin.

You know folks have always thought that I was a strong independent black female. And I’ve always accepted that truth. And there is some truth in it. But what if I shared with you all the things that I’ve had to endure. What if I told you how I’ve had two failed marriages. What if I told you how I’ve lied. What if told you how I’ve cheated. What if I told you that there were times when I felt like I was a bad mother. That there were times when I felt less than. What if I shared with you how anxiety attacked me so hard that I peed myself in public; more than once. What if I told you that I’ve wanted to kill myself. What if I shared all the darkness in my life, would you still think I was a strong independent woman?

I think there is a poem that says that life ain’t been no walk in the park for me. Or something like that. And it hasn’t. I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt. I’ve gone to dark places and tasted death but here I am to write this blog.

I dont know how strong I am but what I will say is that I thank Jesus for life. I thank Jesus for my journey. I thank Jesus for being with me every step of the way. I thank Jesus that he’s giving me the strength to speak about my life issues as a way to help myself and hopefully others.

Come back and visit and talk to me as I continue to open up and prove that some of the very foundations that we were taught or learned along the way were false. Or shall I say it’s all subjective. I’m in control of my own happiness moving forward. I won’t be confined. I will no longer keep quiet and worry about folks speaking about me. If I can help someone else with my life stories I’m here to tell it all.

Stay with me and help me help us all on this journey to authenticity.

#life #death #strong #weak #journey #jesus #faith #anxiety #suicide #independent #happy #authentic

Release

There is so much in this head of mine that I have no idea where to begin. I plan to release everything right here on my blog but you’re going to have to work with me. It won’t be in any chronicle logical order but I’m going to let it all out. I plan to talk about my unique upbringing. Being raised by one of my grandmothers because I had two fathers. 😳😳😳. How I was a teenage mom. How I dropped out of college and went into the Army. How I married wrong men. How I’ve gone into very dark places in my life. How I experienced death and how Jesus resurrected me. And more. All this will be exposed. Feel free to ask questions and leave comments. I want to engage with you. Until next time. #life #truth #release #blog #experiences #death #love #forgive #speak #chat #fly #jesus #resurrection #hope #faith #marriage #reallifelessons

Counseling

So I’m in counseling trying to get my life together. I’ve never really believed in natural counseling because I thought that since I was saved I should be doing everything via prayer. Now don’t get me wrong I still think that Christians should seek Christ first but now I don’t honestly see anything wrong with natural counseling. Even the good book teaches us to hear all things but hold fast to that that’s good. So that’s what I’m doing. I must admit she’s really helping me deal with some of my upheavals. I look forward to our sessions. I’ll also confess that I’ve not been praying as much either. But it’s not due to counseling I don’t believe. I guess I won’t say I’ve not been praying because that’s not the truth. I’ve not been spending a lot of quality time with my savior here lately and for that I feel bad. I’ve let the cares of this life consume me and that’s wrong per the good book. But I’m honest with myself and I’m working on me and that’s what I’m most proud of. I’m learning how to do this thing called adulting and living. Stick around and continue to witness my life story and give me feedback. Let’s talk. #life #growth #upheaval #counseling #pray #love #live #witness #prayer #wisdom #adult #learning

Unpacking

I dont know about you but I was raised on some very strict principles. I saw things and was taught things that even today to I believed to be true. Now that I’m in counseling and trying to learn who I really am I’m learning that a lot of the things I were taught and saw are not necessarily right. Not necessarily wrong either. But I do know that they’ve not worked for me and my left. For example how many of you ever heard that in a marriage both spouses lips are suppose to look alike? My biological mom taught me this. I heard her say this my entire life. Even as a grown woman. So in my current marriage I struggled when my spouse didn’t agree on with me. In Sharon Salzberg Real Love, she speaks on individuality within love. She teaches meditation of lovingkindness to help us unpack all these old beliefs that aren’t reality. I’ve lived my entire adult life trying to mimic the marriages I grew up around only to realize now that what worked back then may just not work right now and for me and my marriage. The other missing component is that I only saw the surface. I didn’t see what went on behind my back. How foolish of me to do that. It was as if I’ve been living my life by some book cover that I saw without reading and understanding the book in its entirety. My question to you, my readers, what assumptions or uncovered book have you been living your life by? Or have you even noticed that you’re living a not so genuine life. Let’s talk. #unpacking #health #life #encouragement #marriage #lies #truth #letmeencourageyou #encourageyourself #faith #hope #talk #communicate #blog #beliefs #meditation

Getting back at it

It’s been years since I blogged. Today I want to just reintroduce myself. This blog will be a blog of mental release. I will be dumping my mental state on you every time I post. I will be sharing with you my experiences and how I overcame several upheavals in an attempt to encourage others. I would love some feedback. Feel free to share your stories and share my post. Often times we think we’re alone when all alone others are going through as well. I want this to be a no judgement forum where we can come here and do a mental dump in love. I’ll have to admit upfront that I love Jesus. So you’ll hear through my post my faith and sometimes the lack of it during certain times. I’ll do my best to be transparent and I ask that you do the same. So let’s begin. Good morning. #beencouraged #encourageyourself #letmeencourageyou #transparent #life #love #truth #live #strength #upheaval #healing #journey