This morning

I woke up this morning feeling different. I’ve been living in a state of fear and this morning I woke up feeling different. It was a feeling of “girl get it together”. It was sort of an odd feeling but I thank God for it.

Fear is such a crippling emotion. Once you fall into it you can’t even move or think right. You’re like frozen. There is a scripture in the Bible that says God didn’t give us a spirit of fear. I totally get it now. Without a sound mind you’re lost. I dont care how many degrees you have. How huge your vocabulary is. It doesn’t matter. You are not able to advance any agenda if you’re working in fear.

So I decree on this day that I will not walk in fear anymore. When and if it tries to return I’ll use the tools I’ve learned in therapy to overcome it. I’ll pray. I’ll meditate. I’ll journal. I’ll go for a walk or something but I will NOT stay in the state fear. I will NOT.

You know in life you’ll experience various things and guess what? That’s okay. But during or in the experience please make sure that you’re growing. Don’t become stagnant. Don’t let it make you bitter or angry. Fight through it. Life is not as short as people say it is. But life is very valuable. And if you’re able to experience it, do just that. Experience IT. Be open to the challenges. But don’t let it become a wave that takes you under. There are tools that can help you overcome what ever challenges comes upon you.

I encourage you to visit my blog and read these post. Come back whenever you feel the need to. I’m here to help and not judge. The word of God teaches me that we overcome by the words of our testimonies and by the blood of the lamb. So I don’t mind sharing with the world my testimonies if my savior will get the victory and if I can help someone. Don’t be out here thinking you’re alone. That’s a trick of the enemy to getting you feeling you alone. But let me tell you you’re not alone. Just this past Saturday I got so low I wanted to just sleep away, literally. That’s a dangerous place. I’m always in a state of encouraging myself and I’d love to encourage you.

Be blessed my beautiful readers. This too shall pass. And guess what? If you keep pressing your way hopefully you’ll see a new day tomorrow and you’ll be blessed with some new mercy and grace and that right there will be the strength you need to move on. Don’t give up and don’t look be. Be encouraged!

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Why Me?

Why NOT me? I mean like really who am I? So I think because I’m educated I’m not going to experience any ups and down in my life? Or because I’ve seen the world I’m better than those that haven’t left the states. Or do I think because I wear beautiful dresses and shoes that I’m all that? Or check this one out, because I’m naming the name of Jesus Christ I’m exempt from going through?.. 😳😳😳😳. What the mess. I pray no one is really feeling this way. I surely pray not.

Inside you’re asking yourself why me, why not be thankful that you’re considered worthy enough to experience EVERYTHING that you’re going through. Why not count it all joy? Why not try to figure out the message and the lesson in it? More than likely it has NOTHING to do with YOU. You’re just the vessel that’s being used. These light afflictions that you’re experiencing regardless of how it my hurt is NOTHING compared to what Jesus had to endure at the cross. When I get into that “why me” mode I begin to think on what Jesus said, if it be your will Lord suffer this cup to pass, NEVERTHELESS, not my will but your will oh Lord. Get you a NEVERTHELESS down on the inside and watch how things begin to look different.

In my efforts to get my life situated after the last five years of darkness I’ve been really digging deep. It’s been hard and it’s been very lonely and emotional but I’m so glad I’m accepting and working through the process. Mental health is real. I dont care if you know Jesus, Buddha, Muhammad, or the Hindu Gods, if you are blessed enough to keep opening your eyes morning after morning you’re are going to be tried. And some of us is going to be tried like gold (if you don’t know the process of how gold is made look it up). But if you can stop being the victim and step back and look at things without pity you’ll begin to understand the why and the what. The plan will begin to unfold right before your eyes. You’ll sit back and begin to laugh because you see it for what it’s worth.

I know everyone is looking for a purpose in life. But when you get through searching come back and read this blog again. Your purpose in life is to help someone else. It’s NEVER about you. So STOP putting so much stock in yourself. You’re really not all that. You’re a vessel. And the sooner you accept that the sooner the clouds will open up and the burden will feel less.

I can’t leave this little nugget out. A lot of the stuff we are going through is because we won’t let go of these toxic relationships. 😳😳😳😳. Did I say? Yes I did. And I’m speaking to myself first. We want people to be who we won’t them to be when their not capable. They couldn’t be that person if they honestly tried. I mean think about it. You can learn new skills. Get a higher degree. But your character, morals, and values were created years ago. Those are probably not going to change at 50 years of age. Let go of those toxic relationships and work on your mental health and watch all that stress start falling out. It’ll literally feel like you dropped a heavy bag of books from your arms.

As always be encouraged. Pray. Seek counseling if you need some. Don’t worry about the nay sayers. They messed up too. Work on YOU. Stop trying to change people and/or the situation. Rest in your journey. It’s going to all work out.

I encourage you to read Shook One Anxiety playing tricks on me by Charlamagne Tha God. I just finished reading it the other day and I cried and laughed at the same time. You’ll want to work on you after reading this.

Change

I’m really working on me like never before. I mean I’m praying more. Going to natural counseling to deal with old demons that I’ve never confronted. I’m forgiving those that have hurt me and asking Jesus to help them. This is not easy but it’s needed. I wish I would have started years earlier but it’s okay. Better late than never. And guess what? Day by day I’m feeling better.

What are working on in your life? Have you forgiven those that have caused you harm? Even yourself? I realized I hadn’t forgiven myself for several things. But my goal is to walk in peace and love. I also realize I can’t live in those spirits if my inside is jacked up. And it’s been jacked up a long time. Looking at others and not looking at myself. So on today I encourage us all to look our own faults and others faults and see the need. Work on yourself. Press daily to be a better you than you were yesterday. That should be your ONLY competition. Be encouraged on today.

Encourage Yourself

The word of God teaches us that sometimes you going to have to encourage yourself. That is exactly what I’ve been doing. There have been trying times in my life and I’m having to encouraging myself daily. I have to stay focused of the bigger prize and not look back. That looking back will kill your vibe. It’s detrimental to my success.

I thank God on today because he’s been keeping me. Every time an issue arises I’m able to deal with it better. For the most part I’m not allowing the issue to consume me. I’m starting to see it for what it’s worth. That might mean nothing to others but it means a lot to me. Because day by day I’m getting my strength back. I’m being uplifted. I’m truly learning to think it not strange. Now this doesn’t mean that I don’t have emotions pop up. But it does mean that I’m working through those emotions more effectively than I previously did. Remember that post about the fetal position? Well I’m not going into the fetal position. So I’m just thankful for the progress that I’m making.

The photo above is true. I don’t have to cry about the issues that arise in my life for I know that Jesus is already working it out in my favor. See what I’ve learned to do is to stop putting so much focus on my issues. That’s a strategy that’s not healthy. Because the more you focus on a particular thing the bigger it gets. So what I’ve started to do is what Philippians 4:8 teaches us to do and that is to think of things that uplift me and encourage me. Now don’t get me wrong you still have to deal with your issues but what I’m saying is don’t be consumed by them. Give the issue a time frame to work through it and then go back to thinking on other happier things. This is what works for me.

So to you my reader what do you do when you feel yourself drowning in an issue or situation? How do you work through those upheavals in your life? Leave me a comment.

Over in the midnight hours

You know over in the midnight hour is a phrase I grew up on. My grandmother use to say it all the time pertaining to one thing or another. But as an adult I totally get it now. Well last night I had an “over in the midnight hour” experience. I toss and turn from midnight to 5:30am this morning. You see I’m going through a rough season in my life right now. And last night got really hard. So much so that just typing this entry is bringing about tears.

You know over in the midnight hour doesn’t have to begin at midnight. I’ve had one that came in the middle of the day. Nevertheless I got no sleep last night wrestling with my mind. It was all over the place. It wouldn’t stop and I got into a pity party by myself about myself. How many know Jesus don’t care nothing about your pity party? We’ve already been instructed to “count it all joy” so instead of wallowing in my mess last night I should have gotten up and paced and prayed. I did pray but while lying there. And when you’re lying there thinking of all your drama it’s hard to go into a good prayer. Every time I reached out something would pop up.

My mother’s mother came to mind. She was selling condemns. 😳😳😳. I dont know where it came from but it was so vivid. She has having them delivered but the truck load. I even told her I’d store some in my garage. Then I went back into prayer. Lord Jesus strengthen me on today. Have mercy on my soul. Create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit in me. Then my 2003 situation came to me. I begin judging myself on how I handled that situation. How many know that there is therefore NO condemnation to those that are in Christ Jesus? I know that but my mind and that ole devil was accusing me of all sorts of things. For those of you that don’t know what I went through in 2003 keep coming by and reading my blog it will all be revealed soon. Again I begin to rebuke the devil and his tactics. I begin to ask Jesus again to help me mortify things body and to cast cares upon him. For I know he cares for me. I begin to beg for Jesus yoke for it’s easy. Then my current situation came. I mean I was crying and sweating. And if you read my previous blog, I went into that fetal position that wrote about. I had gotten low.

Praise God for new grace and mercy on this morning. I’m here and alive and pressing. I’m leaving yesterday behind me and going to press my way into victory. You know last year Jesus gave me I Peter 5:10 so I have to believe that even when things are looking different then the promise he gave me I’m going to continue to stand on his promise for I know that all his promises are yes and amen. How many of you believe that we are not children that walk after what we see but instead we walk by faith calling those things that be not as though they were. So this morning I am claiming victory. I rebuke myself for letting myself get into a rut. I know better. I asked myself whose report was I going to believe. Was I going to allow that ole spirit to take control or was I going to armor up?

Can we be honest for a moment here…..most time when we (I) fall into this kind of thing it’s because I’ve given flesh more attention then my spirit. It’s the truth. We don’t want to admit it but it’s the truth any how. I know it is. Y’all Jesus is real. There is NO temptation common unto to man that Jesus won’t make room for us to escape. Hebrew 10:39 teaches us not to draw back to perdition but instead to go on believing to the saving of our soul.

So although I wasn’t strong enough during my midnight hour experience I encourage you, my readers, to be encouraged on today. Press and fight for your soul. Don’t be defeated. Feed your spirit man so you will had the weapon to stand up against evil and worrying spirits. I compel you to fight for the salvation that was once delivered to the saints. It’s ours but we gone have to take it by force.

Let’s pray for each other. I know I’m not the only one going through. We over come by the blood of the lamb and by the words of our testimonies. Folks dont want to share their testimonies no more today because we all want to look well put together all along we are dying and hurting in the inside.

Is there anything I can stand in the gap with about on today?

Fetal Position

There are times throughout the day where if I’m not careful I find myself in the fetal position mentally and physically. It use to happen more often then it does now. Now I’m aware of it so I immediately get myself going before I get that low. I learned some skills in counseling.

Sometimes my mind won’t stop. It wants to go back in time and try to figure out why. That’s where it begins. I begin to think of why things happen to me. Why people let me down. Why weren’t people there for me. Why did I have to walk alone. How come people can’t be real. It starts to think about some the worst positions that I’ve been in. But now instead of getting stuck I press. I read. I write. I journal. Or I do what I’m doing now, I start blogging.

My schooling and career is that of analysis so I can over analysis stuff easily. Without even realizing that’s what I’m doing and before you know it I’m about to cry. Now I confess to be a Christian and I know not to look back. There is an example of Lots’ wife looking back so I know the consequences of looking back but I’m speaking my truth in telling you that I’ve been guilty of looking back. I’m trying to practice not looking back because thats where things begin to spiral out of control. So starting back blogging has really been another outlet for me that keeps me from getting into that fetal position.

You know I really do thank Jesus for all that he’s allowed me to experience in my life. I’m literally learning to count it all joy and to think it not strange when I even go through various situation. I’m starting to really be grateful that as he told the devil with Job, have you considered my faithful servant, he’s done and doing the same thing with me.

So you know I like feedback so to you my readers what do you struggle with? Do you ever experience that low level of depression and if you do what do you do to get out of it.

#depression #life #sadness #fetalposition #faith #jesus #health #patience #love #live #growth #beencouraged #strive #thrive #struggle

Waiting for my baby boy to have knee surgery..

As I set here thinking of life, my life, so much is running around in this dome of mine that I don’t know where to begin.

You know folks have always thought that I was a strong independent black female. And I’ve always accepted that truth. And there is some truth in it. But what if I shared with you all the things that I’ve had to endure. What if I told you how I’ve had two failed marriages. What if I told you how I’ve lied. What if told you how I’ve cheated. What if I told you that there were times when I felt like I was a bad mother. That there were times when I felt less than. What if I shared with you how anxiety attacked me so hard that I peed myself in public; more than once. What if I told you that I’ve wanted to kill myself. What if I shared all the darkness in my life, would you still think I was a strong independent woman?

I think there is a poem that says that life ain’t been no walk in the park for me. Or something like that. And it hasn’t. I’ve been hurt and I’ve hurt. I’ve gone to dark places and tasted death but here I am to write this blog.

I dont know how strong I am but what I will say is that I thank Jesus for life. I thank Jesus for my journey. I thank Jesus for being with me every step of the way. I thank Jesus that he’s giving me the strength to speak about my life issues as a way to help myself and hopefully others.

Come back and visit and talk to me as I continue to open up and prove that some of the very foundations that we were taught or learned along the way were false. Or shall I say it’s all subjective. I’m in control of my own happiness moving forward. I won’t be confined. I will no longer keep quiet and worry about folks speaking about me. If I can help someone else with my life stories I’m here to tell it all.

Stay with me and help me help us all on this journey to authenticity.

#life #death #strong #weak #journey #jesus #faith #anxiety #suicide #independent #happy #authentic