All smiles over here

So I told you when I started back blogging I wanted to be truthful and transparent. It’s been my goal. I pray that you can read through the authenticity of my words. It’s me. Laying it all out there for others to comment and say whatever they desire. It’s about growth and maturity. It’s about being fed up with the lies and hiding behind a mask of so many things. Like it, love it, hate it, it’s me. All me.

I’m flawed but I’m real. I can be stand offish sometimes but I’m honest. I’ve lied and cheated. What an oxymoron huh? I just said I’m honest. But hey I’m living right? 🀣🀣🀣. I’ve done wrong. I can admit to all of it. But I’m not habitual in those negative things I’ve done. My yes is my yes and my no is my no. I’m there for those that I love. I got you. You hurt me but I’ll forgive and still love you, eventually. It’s just who am I. I hate to say this because it’s a given, I’m NOT perfect. But I’m a perfect person to love and count on. You can depend on me. I won’t tear you done. I won’t hurt you. I’ll encourage you and strengthen you when needed. I’ll laugh and cry with you. But I’ll also let you know when you’re cutting up.

My message today is one of uplifting. Be you! Your authentic self. If you’re angry be angry. If you’re happy be happy. Whatever you’re feeling today feel it. Feel it in its entirety. Breathe through it. Figure out why you’re feeling that way and be honest to yourself. Then do what needs to be done to improve in whatever area. It’s life. We live it. We don’t hide or run for it. I’ve done both. But today I want to be me. Tomorrow I want to be me. I’d encourage you to do the same. 😘😘😘😘

And guess what it’s okay. It’s a blessing to be YOU!

Advertisements

Confessions

Years ago, 1995 to be exact, I met a guy while on Active Duty in the Army. We met in the drive through at McDonalds. The friendship kicked off immediately. He was a cadre at the PLDC academy on post. He was cool. Funny. Loving. Kind. A lil gangsta but soft. I enjoyed our every Sunday gatherings. We’d watch WWF. Eat, sleep, and do grown folks stuff. Somewhere with all the fun and friendship I found out that he was married. I honestly can’t remember if I was upset or not. Regardless I’ve kept in contact with this man for 24 years. Every upheaval that has taken place in my life I’ve some how or another reached out to him. The last nightmare of my life I didn’t tell him till afterwards out of fear. After talking about it with him he told me I should have told him. He would have totally been there for me.

Even till this day he’s thoughtful. He’s loving. He’s soft, still. A little different from 1995 but that’s expected. He’s been down range, combat zone, 4 times, he’s had changes in his life as well; divorced now. So life and it’s experiences has made him a little bit more serious. But he still makes me smile and laugh. I’m still silly. Him, not so much. So guess what I still like my crush.

Now fast forward I’m married but only on paper. I married a guy that never really loved me. He never knew how to. He was too selfish. It’s always been about him and guess what? I’ve always accommodated him. 15 years of lies and deceit. I honestly don’t believe he’s ever been faithful. I loved his potential but it never came to past. He never had the desire to be a man. He loved running the streets and being seen. He loved sitting at the bar and getting hit on. I never fitted his definition of a woman he desired. I was too boring so he said. Today accept that. No love lost. Still love and care for him dearly but I’ve decided to be with my unicorn. Or at least give it a try.

So my oldest son met my crush. He chastised me hard. Talked about me messing around with a married man and shacking up. 😳😳😳😳. My stomach went into knots when I got the message. I respect his feelings but I’m no longer living society norms. I’m living life for me. I did my best to raise three beautiful children. I loved hard. I’ve been hurt. I’ve suffered long. Very long. I’m tired. So I’m doing what makes me happy and as long as I’m not hurting those that I love I’ll be okay. My children are doing it. Everybody else is doing it. My soon to be ex did it and still doing it. I guess that is society norm, huh? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

So I’m here in life. I just want to laugh, smile, watch tennis and help others that have had hardships. That’s been knocked down. That’s struggling. That need some encouraging or need to be uplifted. Now guess what? I don’t have it all figured out. I’m still working on me. I’m under construction and I’m enjoying the work too. But I know what skills I have. I know what I’m capable of doing.

So I could go on and on but as always I try to give you all a glimpse. Come chat with me and let me know what you think.

In the clouds

My mind never stops. It’s seems to do what it wants to do lately. I have some skills that I’ve learned to use but sometimes I guess I’m too lazy to practice what I’ve learned. Mind you I’ve paid a lot of money to learn these tactics. Perhaps I’m not too lazy. Maybe my mind races so much that it’s become the norm so by the time I think to utilize my tools it’s already double timing. Either way this ole mind of mine is something else.

There was a movie, I can’t recall the name of it, but the couple had made some sex videos and the husband was storing them in the cloud on various iPads. Once the iPads got full he’d sell the iPads or give them away. I can’t remember which one. But he thought that what he was saving, the sex videos, were going in the clouds. What he didn’t know was that all those videos were still on those iPads he sold or gave away. So the movie had a saying, “nobody understands the clouds.” I find that to be so very true. I think sometimes my mind works like the clouds. There are a lot of compartments up there. I think that I’m filing things in one compartment but in reality it goes in another compartment. Anybody else feel this way sometimes? I find this to be most true when I’m not focused. Now when I’m focused. The clouds have nothing on me. I’m a dominate force. πŸ’ͺ🏽πŸ’ͺ🏽

What I realize here lately is that when everything is going as planned or how I think things should go I’m very focused and dedicated to whatever work I’m doing. But when something comes to throw me off it’s as if a hurricane has hit me. Again does anybody else experience this? Now not just anything throws me off but if it’s someone I care about or something that means something to me, it really can take me off my course. I sometimes talk to myself afterwards like I’m giving myself a debrief and ask myself all these questions such as why did you allow that to move you? What could I have done differently to remain focused? When I feel myself getting distracted what could I do differently to take control of the situation? And yes I answer myself. After I had this dialogue often times I feel silly because hind sight allows me to see that it wasn’t that important anyways. Or that I over analyzed something or thought too much into something.

Most people that know me know that I’m a very emotional person. I’ve been told that I wear my emotions and/or my feelings on my shoulders. And that’s true. But ONLY towards people and things that I care about. Because if you ask my co-workers they’d say I’m so nonchalant to where most of them think I’m mean.

Be mindful of what you put out in the universe. Someone is always watching you. And guess what? Nobody understands the cloud. Be encouraged.

Trouble Don’t Last Always

Just told someone that and thought I’d come say a few things today. First off let me say that I’m so blessed and thankful to be going to church tonight. I’m going with expectation in my heart because I know I’m going to get a word for my soul tonight. You know just like our natural bodies need food our spiritual bodies need food too and I’m blessed that I’m able to get both.

Okay now about this trouble don’t last always post. It’s true. Nothing last forever. At some point everything comes to an end. Either they/it die or they/it stop. So just knowing that strengthen me. Also having trouble arise is your life is a blessing. I know you maybe reading this like heifer are you crazy? Yes I am but what I’m saying is the truth. Just think about it. If trouble never came your way you’d be stagnant. You’d never move or do something different because in your mind you’ll be thinking everything is okay. Trust me. Been there done that. But when trouble comes it makes you think. It’s uncomfortable. You start moving around. I think most importantly when trouble comes most will call on the name of Jesus. Perhaps out of fear. Nevertheless most do just that, Jesus help me. Be honest. Think about the last time something got under your skin. I’ll wait.

Okay now don’t agree? Didn’t that trouble move you in some direction? I dont know what direction you went in but you moved. I had a close friend guy tell me last summer that we are either in a situation, coming out of a situation, or about to go through a situation. And as I think about it, that’s so true. If you’re able to keep living this is the cycle. Don’t know when but one thing for sure the life cycle is real. So what I’m learning to do is embrace the journey. The one thing I know now that I can control within any situation that I find myself in is my response to the situation. My reaction. How I handle it. That’s what I can control. NOT the life cycle itself. But my response to it is totally in my control.

My people life is awesome. Even when you’re in the lion den, trust me life is awesome. I’ve been there. So I’m not talking about what my grandmother told me. I’m writing from experience.

So I want you to be encouraged on today. Hold your head up high. Walk in your victory. Believe in yourself. Let it go. Forgive.

Fight

You know all my life I’ve had to fight. Literally. I know that sounds like I’m mimicking Oprah from The Color Purple but I’m not. I fought every Friday on the black top as a child because I was picked on. I thought I was cute, so they’d say. I didn’t wear pants so they’d fight me for that. I thought I was better than others so they’d fight me for that. They’d talk about my momma being on drugs or in and out of jail so I’d get into a fight about that. They’d talk about my grandmother drinking beer so I’d fight about that. It was always something. And back then you better not come home crying talking about somebody beat you up because if you did you’d get a beat down at home and then you’d be walked to the child house and made to fight again. You see everybody knew all the major families in the neighborhood. This was my life coming up on the Southside of Chicago in Englewood.

When I went to high school I didn’t fight as much. I remember fighting a girl once because she said she liked my brother. I drugged her by her hair and as I was fighting her I was talking to her and I told her not to spread that lie. In college of course I was done with this foolishness. But in the Army the south side of Chicago had to come out again. I didn’t physically fight but I had to stand up for myself. You see I’ve always been a tiny person. Long hair, long neck, long arms, and long legs. Just long! 100 pounds soak and wet, literally. So folks thought I was easy. So because I had to stand up for myself soldiers began to think I was mean. I wasn’t mean by my Lord I took NO mess from nobody. πŸ™…πŸΎπŸ™…πŸΎπŸ™…πŸΎ

Once I got out the Army the Lord had began to start working on me and he saved my soul. So the tough “Jones” as my people called me was dying out. My military friend Pam makes no hesitation to call me out when she thinks I’m being weak. Or she don’t understand that the Old Jones is dead. As a matter of fact she doesn’t like it. She chastises me about often. She’d say, “i dont know this Jones.” I woke up this morning feeling like I got my fight back. Feeling like maybe Jones isn’t dead. I’m ready to take back everything that I’ve lost. Now you’d ask me now, “what did you lose? You left out something didn’t you?” Well just keep coming by, the entire story will eventually be told. But for now I have to get it to you it comes up.

You see all my life I’ve been a little different. And guess what that’s okay. My children have always said once I get something in my head it takes an act of Congress to get it out my head. Well that might be true thus the reason why I’m getting my fight back and about to come out swinging. Not physically per se but I’m going to get everything I’ve prayed for because it’s mine. The world, the devil, folks, politics, no one or thing is taking anything from me that’s been awarded to me because I prayed and stood on what I prayed for. Yes I’ll continue counseling because it’s helping me. Yes I’ll still love those that have hurt me. Yes I’ll forgive and help anyone that I can. Don’t take it for a sign of weakness. But I will no longer allow no one or no thing to get in the way of my health, my success, my peace, my joy, my steadfastness, my happiness, my kindness, nor the work that I know I MUST accomplish. Today I’m taking my life back. I’ve laid back and watched as if it was some movie that I was watching and could do nothing about it. The devil is a liar. I’m strong. I’m courageous. I’m an overcomer. I’m victorious. I have the victory. As a matter of fact my name is VICTORY!!!! Hallelujah!!! Praise God. I felt that. My Lord something just went through me and made me shake.

Starting today I’m taking my life back. I’m in control of my destiny. I’m not weak. I’m not crazy, well okay maybe a little but hey, whatever. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ. I’m trading my sorrows. I’m trading my sickness. I’m laying it down for the joy of the Lord. Yes it’s a song but it’s in my heart. I got my fight back. Yaaaassss!!! I’ve been through too much NOT to have the victory. You hear me? The things I’ve gone through folks would have given up or died. But I’m still here so I know I’m blessed. As they say too blessed to be stressed. No more game playing. No more sadness. When I look back over my life and ALL that he’s brought me through my soul shouts hallelujah because guess what? It could’ve me. It should’ve of me. But God.

So to my readers rise up today. Be strong and courageous. You got this. We got this. Fight for what’s yours. Don’t just sit back and watch your life as if you’re at the movies and don’t have a part in the production of it. And if you’re on fire one day and cold the next day, so what. Keep on living and if you allowed to see another day get right back up and fight for the fire again. I come today to tell you to fight and be encouraged.

You don’t know my story

A lot of people know of me but very few know me. I like it this way too. What you see is not what you always get with me. I can be a complicated person and sometimes by choice. With that being said I love me some me.

I’ve been through a lot. Perhaps no more than anyone else but I’ve been through a lot. I’ve been so low at times where I wanted to give up the ghost; But God. I’ve also been so high where I was like that temptation song, walking on cloud 9.

I’ve been talked about. Somethings have been true and some false. I’ve been loved and I’ve been disliked. I’ve been hurt by people that I thought really loved me. But I’ve also been uplifted by those that do love me. I’ve been encouraged. I’ve had people praying for me when I couldn’t pray for myself. You ask, “how do I know?” Because there were times where I felt my strength coming when I was physically weak.

I’ve had designer clothes, shoes, and handbags, luxury cars and 5000 square feet homes. My children have gone to private schools and we’ve traveled the world. I’ve had million dollar insurance policies and hundreds of thousands of dollars in accounts, banks and investment houses. I’ve had and I’ve lost.

I say all this to say I wouldn’t trade my journey. Every scare. Every pain. The ups and the downs have made me the woman I am today. I’m able to forgive people when they hurt me to the core and honestly still love them. The compassion that Jesus has placed in my heart sometimes don’t make sense. I don’t even understand it. But I’m so grateful for it. And as Philippians 4:12 says, I’ve learned how to be abased and I’ve learned how to abound. For this I’m grateful.

Control

I saw this and began to laugh. My husband and my children all think that I’m a control freak. Of course I think otherwise. So when I saw this it just tickled my fancy.

So if I’m looking for change why wouldn’t I take control? incredible change at that! Should I just take the back seat when it pertains to my life? My spouse life? My children life? Hmmm!! What say you? πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€”

Okay hey, I maybe a little controlling. Not in this sense that the message here is referencing. I do like things a certain way. I do want to know what’s going on with my spouse and my children. My babies are all grown but they are still my babies.

My baby boy even told me while he was on Christmas break, “Ma you just upset because you’re not in control no more!” He said this because he transferred to another school without my help and I was wanting to know where he was staying and who he was staying with. If he had toilet and household items. I wanted to know all the things that a mother is suppose to know. Is that controlling? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ Whatever!

Anyways, so yeah, just thought I’d come and write a little something something because this pic made me laugh. Controlling or no controlling I’m ME. I’m momma. I’m the wife. Don’t get it twisted. Be encouraged.

Hold on just a little while longer

Ever feel like you’re at the end of the cliff ready to jump? Ever feel like the walls are closing in? Ever just want to give up? Ever cried yourself to sleep? Ever wondered why this or why that? I know you have. Most of us have. I’m here to tell you it’s okay. It’s gone be okay. There isn’t anything that you’re going through or experiencing that can destroy you. Please believe me. Everything you’re experiencing is working out for you’re good. And guess what? Get this in your spirit; the things you are experiencing or experienced or going to experience ain’t even about you. You just can’t see it right now to remove yourself from the situation. It hurt too much. Why me? Please make the pain go away. Whatever. It is what it is. And guess what again? You’ve been chosen for this season of pain, hurt, unease, or whatever emotion you want to associate with it. And the sooner you accept it for what it is the sooner you’ll get past it all.

Life is really what we make of it. Most of the things we experience is of our own making. But we can’t accept that. We looking to blame someone else. Again the “why me syndrome!” I dont know why we do that. Does it make us feel better? What does it accomplish? I’ll tell you, NOTHING. Not one single thing. And the person you’re blaming has gone on with their life. Ha!! Can you believe that? Say what? 😳😳 Yes they’ve moved on.

So the best advice I can give you is to move on too. Work on you. Count it all joy. Cry. Cry is good healing. Get a ball and through it at the wall as hard as possible. But whatever you do don’t give up on yourself. Don’t you dare. You’re not a mistake, you made a mistake. Let it go. It’s over. Done. Now go on and seek help. Heal. Learn from the mistakes. And guess what? It’s all gone be worth it soon and very soon. Be encouraged. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

Help is on the way

What a week it’s been. I’m so grateful and thankful for my life. The good and the bad. The pretty and the ugly. I’m thankful for continued growth and strength. I’m thankful that my good days outweigh my bad days. Thankful for friends and family. Thankful for employment. Thankful for salvation. For wisdom. For love and compassion. I’m just thankful on this evening and wanted to share it with the world.

See some folks hide behind so much stuff. Some folks want to be things that they’re not only to win over folks that they don’t even need in their lives but their too silly to see it. I want to encourage you on this evening and let you know help is on the way. Be YOU. Be thankful for your life journey. The mistakes and all. For its making you if you allow it. Don’t regret nothing that you’ve experienced. Embrace it. Now I’m not saying to continue to walk foolishly but I’m saying when life knocks you down get back up. And do it quickly.

Set some goals for this week. Write them down. Take day by day. Visit your goals daily. Don’t be so hard on yourself if you don’t accomplish them all. The goal is to set some goals and diligently seek to accomplish them day by day. Focus on the internal more than the external. And work on YOU instead of worrying about others. Stay in the moment. Don’t give a lot of thought for the next day. And whatever you do don’t look back. And with that please be encouraged.

I will not be discouraged

You know I’ve tried to put my past behind me but for some reason every so often I get these suspicions that always end up to be REAL. I’m not that important but I really am. Regardless to what comes my way I ALWAYS overcome it because I’m an overcome, Duh!!

You know I get so tired of folks playing the victim. I guess because I’ve been guilty of doing the same. So when I see that spirit it vexes me perhaps because I see myself. So many people need mental help. I only know this because I’m getting help now myself. So the scale has been removed from my eyes and I’m seeing things for what they really are.

I learned in my 20s that messing around with a married man will get you nowhere. It profits you NOTHING. And I’ve also learned that to everything you do there is a consequence and/or an outcome. And you can’t play victim behind your actions.

It’s one thing to be young and silly but to be an old silly woman is foolish. It’s not cute. Ladies we have to do better. I know stuff happens and sometimes we get caught up. But when we do we have to bite that bullet. Stop playing victim and reflect on what you did and how you can not make that same mistake again. Stop playing victim. Stop looking for pity. Own up to what you’ve done and live with the consequences. Pray. Seek therapy. But whatever you do don’t try to hurt others. It won’t profit you nothing in the end. Remember man might not see you but trust there is someone way bigger than man that sees EVERYTHING. I see you though. And I’m praying for you.