All smiles over here

So I told you when I started back blogging I wanted to be truthful and transparent. It’s been my goal. I pray that you can read through the authenticity of my words. It’s me. Laying it all out there for others to comment and say whatever they desire. It’s about growth and maturity. It’s about being fed up with the lies and hiding behind a mask of so many things. Like it, love it, hate it, it’s me. All me.

I’m flawed but I’m real. I can be stand offish sometimes but I’m honest. I’ve lied and cheated. What an oxymoron huh? I just said I’m honest. But hey I’m living right? 🀣🀣🀣. I’ve done wrong. I can admit to all of it. But I’m not habitual in those negative things I’ve done. My yes is my yes and my no is my no. I’m there for those that I love. I got you. You hurt me but I’ll forgive and still love you, eventually. It’s just who am I. I hate to say this because it’s a given, I’m NOT perfect. But I’m a perfect person to love and count on. You can depend on me. I won’t tear you done. I won’t hurt you. I’ll encourage you and strengthen you when needed. I’ll laugh and cry with you. But I’ll also let you know when you’re cutting up.

My message today is one of uplifting. Be you! Your authentic self. If you’re angry be angry. If you’re happy be happy. Whatever you’re feeling today feel it. Feel it in its entirety. Breathe through it. Figure out why you’re feeling that way and be honest to yourself. Then do what needs to be done to improve in whatever area. It’s life. We live it. We don’t hide or run for it. I’ve done both. But today I want to be me. Tomorrow I want to be me. I’d encourage you to do the same. 😘😘😘😘

And guess what it’s okay. It’s a blessing to be YOU!

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Confessions

Years ago, 1995 to be exact, I met a guy while on Active Duty in the Army. We met in the drive through at McDonalds. The friendship kicked off immediately. He was a cadre at the PLDC academy on post. He was cool. Funny. Loving. Kind. A lil gangsta but soft. I enjoyed our every Sunday gatherings. We’d watch WWF. Eat, sleep, and do grown folks stuff. Somewhere with all the fun and friendship I found out that he was married. I honestly can’t remember if I was upset or not. Regardless I’ve kept in contact with this man for 24 years. Every upheaval that has taken place in my life I’ve some how or another reached out to him. The last nightmare of my life I didn’t tell him till afterwards out of fear. After talking about it with him he told me I should have told him. He would have totally been there for me.

Even till this day he’s thoughtful. He’s loving. He’s soft, still. A little different from 1995 but that’s expected. He’s been down range, combat zone, 4 times, he’s had changes in his life as well; divorced now. So life and it’s experiences has made him a little bit more serious. But he still makes me smile and laugh. I’m still silly. Him, not so much. So guess what I still like my crush.

Now fast forward I’m married but only on paper. I married a guy that never really loved me. He never knew how to. He was too selfish. It’s always been about him and guess what? I’ve always accommodated him. 15 years of lies and deceit. I honestly don’t believe he’s ever been faithful. I loved his potential but it never came to past. He never had the desire to be a man. He loved running the streets and being seen. He loved sitting at the bar and getting hit on. I never fitted his definition of a woman he desired. I was too boring so he said. Today accept that. No love lost. Still love and care for him dearly but I’ve decided to be with my unicorn. Or at least give it a try.

So my oldest son met my crush. He chastised me hard. Talked about me messing around with a married man and shacking up. 😳😳😳😳. My stomach went into knots when I got the message. I respect his feelings but I’m no longer living society norms. I’m living life for me. I did my best to raise three beautiful children. I loved hard. I’ve been hurt. I’ve suffered long. Very long. I’m tired. So I’m doing what makes me happy and as long as I’m not hurting those that I love I’ll be okay. My children are doing it. Everybody else is doing it. My soon to be ex did it and still doing it. I guess that is society norm, huh? πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ

So I’m here in life. I just want to laugh, smile, watch tennis and help others that have had hardships. That’s been knocked down. That’s struggling. That need some encouraging or need to be uplifted. Now guess what? I don’t have it all figured out. I’m still working on me. I’m under construction and I’m enjoying the work too. But I know what skills I have. I know what I’m capable of doing.

So I could go on and on but as always I try to give you all a glimpse. Come chat with me and let me know what you think.

Happy Nappy!!!

I just finally watched the Netflix special Nappily Ever After and OMG. 🀭🀭🀭🀭. There’s so much inside me that I hope I can get it all out. The movie resonated soo deeply inside me because I too have been something that I’m not for years. I too have tried to be soo perfect due to my upbringing. Oh my, my granny didn’t want me wearing pants. She didn’t want me wearing tennis shoes. I got my hair pressed and curled every Saturday morning. I had to wear matching panties and t-shirts. And then as I got older matching panties and bras. She didn’t allow me to rip and run down the streets like other little girls. I had to sit on the front porch and look cute. Oh my the story of my life was wrapped in this movie. I thought I was the ONLY one.

Fast forward and I can honestly say I raised my daughter the same way. I continued that life style all these forty plus years. My hair had to be done daily. I couldn’t leave the house unless I was well put together. EVERYTHING in place. I raised all three of my children that way as well. Now mind you I still don’t see anything wrong with living like this but what help me is the down time I had for over a year. That made me realize that I am not my hair. I am not my clothes. It made me deal with some inner things about myself that I was neglecting while trying to be this perfect person. So much so that I began to love my imperfect self. That’s the blessing of being your authentic self. You can fall in love with real so easy. Trust me I’m speaking from experience.

Oh I really wake up like this. I’m so in love with my all natural imperfect self. You know parents mean no harm in their ways of raising us. I believe that. They do what they feel in their heart is right. I know this because I did the same. But sometimes the pressure of society and of our loved ones add soo much unneeded stress and until you are in a place where you have time to stop and think you don’t even realize that you’re not living for you. Often times something dramatic has to happen. That’s what happen to me. Something dramatic had to literally shake my entire life for me to stop and live. Today I no longer care about the stuff but I care more about my internal authentic self. My peace. My joy. My happiness. My balance in life, I want to give back. I want to give people hope. I want to encourage and uplift. I want to strengthen people. Now let me make it known I still love me a pretty dress, yes I do. I still love matching underwear sets, yes I do. A bad pair of heels and yes I love my hair, toes, and nails done. But today I’m so freaking bad without any of it because of the work I’ve done and continue to do on the inside of me.

I’ve always been a little vain. Hmmmm I’d say I’m still a little vain just a little bit more relaxed with it tho. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ. All my life I heard, you so cute to be dark, or some variation of that phrase. And so the above meme hit hard and heavy when I saw it. And it’s so fitting for this post. Once you do the inner work you can truly be comfortable with the outer YOU. In the movie the main character figured out at the end that being her authentic self was more important than the ring. I’ve experienced that. I wanted the ring so badly that I was almost willing to compromise my authentic self for it. Growth and internal work are vital to our success as women. As humans honestly. Put the work in and you too can live your authentic self and be happy nappy.

This movie has help me make up my mind. I’m not wearing no Becky hair this summer. I’m going to rock my beautiful coils and be my authentic self. πŸ’ͺ🏽πŸ’ͺπŸ½πŸ’—πŸ’—.

Still Striving….

At one point I had gotten high. I felt like I was completely healed. Over all the negativity. The hurt. The pain. The lies. The deceit. All of it. I was waking up smiling. I was in a happy place more often than not. My long time friend girl even told me a few days ago that she was proud of me. She felt like her ole friend Jones was back. That made me happy. I felt like I had made progress. Then on Sunday something happened and guess what? I got sad. Fetal position sad. I had gotten in my feelings. Now check this out; there is nothing wrong with being in your feelings. As a matter of fact you should be in tune with your feelings. To ignore them is dangerous. But what I realized is that I was leaving one bed situation and using another situation to help me lose focus of the bad situation I was in. So much so that I felt alone. I felt hurt. Let down. Those trust issues had resurfaced. On today I was told that I was bringing baggage from a bad relationship. Wow was what I said to myself. I didn’t say anything else. But I’m a delayed thinker. So I’m doing what I do when I get into thinking mode, write, journal, and/or blog.

You know I dont care how many times I’ve been hurt or get hurt I don’t want to hurt others. So that old cliche that hurt people hurt people is so far from the truth for ME. I’ve been hurt numerous of times. So much so that to think about the various times is stressful. How in the world could I possibly want someone to feel or experience pain? What would I get out of that? What’s the benefit? Hmmm, there isn’t one. So no I don’t want people to hurt. Especially not someone that I care about.

I’m a loving person by nature. I know this. You’ve heard the saying, “I love hard” several times before I’m sure. Well I believe that to be true about me. If you’re my friend, I’ll love you hard. If you’re my dude, I’ll love you hard, my children, I’ll love you hard. I love with everything I can. I forgive. I speak my mind. I state my truth. I express my feelings. But afterwards I want to forgive and move forward. I don’t hold grudges. I guess sometimes I can. But if I do it’s probably not with someone that I totally love. Perhaps maybe an associate or something. But if you’re in that group of the one I love I’m going to try to work it out. I don’t give up easily.

You know when I was in my dark spot for about a year and a half I had plenty time to reflect and think. I could’ve allowed my situation to destroy me but I say this proudly, Jesus wouldn’t allow me. I wanted to be angry and bitter but I couldn’t. The Lord kept me. He gave me favor. He kept me. He blessed me. Just as he did the three Hebrew boys. I came through with no smell of smoke. None whatsoever. For that I’m grateful. I can’t be bitter and angry. Even when I try it doesn’t last long.

Through living this thing called life I’ve learned a lot and I’m still learning. I’ve learned that nothing works without communication. I promise you this. Shutting down. Acting like it never happened. Ignoring it. It doesn’t work. Life is based on communication. It’s not possible to live without it. I’m a talker. I can talk about anything with anybody. I may not agree but I can talk with you about it. But I’ve also experienced living in a shut down mode. I know from experience it doesn’t work. The issue and/or problem is still there. As a matter of fact it’s there decades later when you go to counseling and you learn that half of the things you’re struggling with is a product of that thing that you never dealt with. Don’t do it. Don’t shut down. Don’t ignore things. Work through them.

My dude told me this last week. I heard him but I didn’t take it in. Then I came across the meme, train your mind to find the good in every situation and it hit me. So now I’ll use this as a daily affirmation to myself. And perhaps you should too.

I’m old fashion so they say. I’m set in my ways. I believe like the old folks do. I don’t agree with 90% or more of this new generation mess. I’m a woman. I don’t want to be a man. I don’t want to lead. I don’t want to be the bread winner. I don’t want to be equal to a man. I’m a woman. I believe I have a place. I’m no less than a male. But I totally believe that we were created differently and for different causes. So with that being said I know there is room for growth. For change. To rethink some things. Handle things differently. I’m working on it. I’m hearing all things and holding fast to that that’s good. I’m striving. I’m thriving. I’m trying to put it all together. I’m believing it’s all going to work out.

So relax. Be encouraged and know that this thing called life is a journey and we are all striving. 😘😘😘😘

A picture is worth…..

I wanted to just come by and let you all know how thankful I am for life. Was thinking on today, as I laid in the bed all day watching CNN, tennis, and Nipsey Hustle memorial, about how beautiful life is. To be alive is a blessing. It really is. I don’t take for granted my days here on earth. I don’t take for granted my freedom. I don’t take for granted love. I’m just thankful for my life. So much going on in the world and I often times think that it could’ve been me. It should’ve been. If it wasn’t for the blood. If I could sing that song I would. For it’s my testimony. Go listen to it when you get a moment. Here is the link.

I saw this picture and instantly I begin to smile. It’s a picture of meditation. It’s a picture of thoughtfulness. It’s life and it’s beautiful. Just to notice the beauty in this picture reminds me of how thankful I am. What do you think? What do you see or think of when you see this picture? What type of mood does it put you in? They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This picture is the epitome of that idiom.

So on this evening think about life. Think about your life. The many blessings. The things that could have happen but didn’t. The things that should have happen but didn’t. Think about the picture. Reflect. Breathe. Release. Relax. Be thankful and grateful for where you are this very moment for you’re exactly where you’re suppose to be. A picture is really worth a thousand words. Think about what this picture speaks to you and make it an affirmation. Be encouraged.

I have enough

I do a lot of reflecting throughout the day. My mind drifts and I just allow it. I dont care if I’m far off or right on point; I’ve learned to allow my mind to run free. It’s so refreshing and rejuvenating.

You know one would think I have a lot to complain about with everything I’ve been through. But why? Why complain? What’s there to complain about? Everybody has been through something or going through something so what’s so special about me? That’s rhetorical for surely I’m somebody. Somebody special. A woman, a mother, a sister, and a friend amongst other things. But what I’ve learned is that if I can’t be of help or assistance it doesn’t really need to be said.

I could go on and on and speak on my two failed marriages. I could speak on how my first spouse molested my daughter or how my second spouse had a child on me but I have to give you those stories when I’m able to give you the details so that it’s not just a story. But instead it’s a message that can actually help someone by knowing my story. For everything we go through there is a message. A lesson to be learned. And often times it’s not about the person in the story at all.

But what I want to share with you today is everything you need in life is already within you. You have enough right now to make it through any and everything that has or will come upon you. I know often times when we’re going through it doesn’t feel that way but we have to stop living off our feelings. They serve their purpose but you have to go deeper and know that you know that you’re equipped. You have the tools. You have the mind. The weapons. The wherewithal to handle anything that comes up. You just have to believe it.

I’ve learned that seeking outside help from others don’t help you. Often times they just want to know you business anyways. Most of the people you’re seeking help from are in situations just like you or worst. The difference is they not gone tell you their business. So from trial and error I’ve learned not to seek outside help unless it’s via prayer and/or counseling. But my blog is a place where I can be transparent and vent openly. It’s a judge free zone for me. That doesn’t mean I’m not being judged but like most, hiding behind my little WordPress is so therapeutic.

This last picture sums up my post. I pray today that you’re encouraged. Breathe. It’s okay. Deal with whatever you’re going through. Don’t lay it by the side thinking it’ll go away. Work through it. You are capable. As a matter of fact you are more than capable. You are ABLE. πŸ’—πŸ₯°

If you’re happy and you know it…

Good Evening! If you’re happy and you know it scream, “I’m happy!” I’m happy on tonight. I know happiness is situational. I know that. Duh!!! πŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸ½β€β™€οΈ. But I’m happy and just had to share it. I pray you’re happy tonight too.

I started back blogging to be transparent and to share my truths. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s also therapeutic for me. So tonight I’m sharing with you the good.

You ever have a conversation with someone for hours and it’s all good? No hate. No condemnation. No competition. Just straight uplifting and encouraging. And although there may be some heavy hitting it was meant in a good way? Well guess what I just had that conversation. I had an awesome day on yesterday. Life is good. There is this ole Christian saying, I may not be where I ought to be but thank God I’m not where I use to be. This is so true to me. Even years ago when I was sitting on cloud 13, at least so I thought. I’m glad I’m not there. I’m accepting where I am today and I’m happy. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t have work to do to get back on some sort of track. That would be a lie. I have plenty to do and I plan to do it all. But today I’m happy. And I’m screaming here on this blog, I’M HAPPY! 😍😍😍😍

So happy that I love this meme and felt it perfect for this blog. Yeap I’m feeling myself tonight and I hope you are too. 😘😘. Be encouraged on tonight!

It’s all good

Let not your heart be troubled. Things will always work out in the end. Maybe not the way you want them to but they will work out nonetheless.

A few months ago I was sinking and I mean bad. I thank God that I can now see my way. I thought my issue was something I had done or experienced but I learned it wasn’t. It was the company I was keeping. You know sometimes it’s just over. Sometimes you have to let go. Stop forcing things to be. I’m notorious for sticking around longer than I needed to. Thus I’m my worst enemy. I create my own issues. I wouldn’t say I’ve been delivered but I can say that I’m aware of it now.

I honestly don’t believe I have enemies but I do believe I know people that don’t have my best interest at heart. Those are the people I realize I need to let go. Doesn’t mean that I don’t love them. It just means that our relationship has ran its course. So now what needs to happen is we need to go our separate ways and/or not be in contact with each other as much. I even believe that if I can be of any assistance that’s still an option and a possibility. But reality is we don’t mix well any more. And guess what? That’s okay! I’m learning to accept what IS. πŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈπŸ€·πŸΎβ€β™€οΈ

Anyways with experience comes growth. Comes wisdom. Some where along the way you pick of a little grace and mercy that teaches you what to do with the experiences, with the growth, and wisdom. If you’re focused and dedicated to the mission you’re sure to be an overcomer. Life is beautiful even with the downs and the mishaps.

So be real and honest with yourself. Search out yourself. Do the famous SWOT analysis that you learned in your MBA program. And if you don’t have a MBA look it up. It’s acronym stands for Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, and Threats. Do that for yourself and commit to following through. You’ll look back month over month and see the growth. Be encouraged on tonight.

Growth is inevitable

Good Evening my good people. It’s almost Friday and I know everybody is getting excited, especially since the weather is warming up. Heck I’m excited too. I look forward to putting on a beautiful dress every day and showing my pretty toes.

You know my days have gotten easier. Along with going to counseling, accepting what IS, praying, and putting in the work to work on ME, things are starting to look awesome for me. I went through a set back but I knew it wasn’t to destroy me. I knew that something was to come out of all of it. I can now see the end of the tunnel. I’m not all the way out but at least I can see my way through. I’m no longer discouraged. Instead I’m encouraged. I’m feeling more inspired. I have a desire to strive and thrive and fight for the things that I want. I wont lie and say I feel like this every day or all day for that matter but what I will admit is that my later is looking way better than my former and that right there alone gives me the victory.

I’m learning more daily about this thing called life. And what I realize is that if you’ve been doing something for a length of time and you’ve not gotten the results you were expecting, perhaps you need a new method. My past can’t be changed. It’s already happened. But every day that I awake is another chance to prepare for my future. I’ve made up my mind that I’m going to press daily to do better. To become a better version of ME. I’ve decided that I am my brother and sister keeper. I’ve decided to love even when it hurts. I’ve decided not to hurt people because I’ve been hurt. Not to render evil for evil. I’ve decided to love and love hard. To love with purpose. To forgive and NOT cut off. I’ve decided to continue to give. I’m not letting hurt, pain, or bitterness change the woman that God created me to be.

But with all that I’ve also decided to monitor my circle. My involvement with people and organizations. I’ve decided to be careful and diligent in my walk. I’m going to think before I speak. Monitor what comes out of my temple. You know we get so caught up in what to eat and what to drink. Well you do know that anything you put in your temple you can actually pray and ask God to bless it. And if you can just believe the prayer than the pork, the gluten and all the other bad things won’t do your body no harm. But it what’s come out the temple that if not careful can cause death. So I’m purposely being more mindful of what comes out of me. Reality is, what you intake will affect what you out put as well. I’m on a journey. My journey is to inspire. To uplift. To encourage. To reach back and help someone that needs it. If I never become a hundred thousandaire, yes that’s a word now. Never say I didn’t teach you anything, okay! 🀣🀣🀣🀣. Or a millionaire it no longer matters. I’ve chased the almighty dollar and had plenty of it. I’m sure in my years, within one year I’ve made half a million. But how many of us know that if you’re not living right it won’t be worth nothing anyways. So my mind is not on the possessions of this world anymore. My mind is on helping people. People are out here hurt. Using their bodies, drugs, and alcohol to cover up the pain. Most of us clean up well. But most of us are also struggling with all forms of mental illness as well and have too much pride to recognize it deal with it.

I want to encourage each of us to search our inner man and be honest with ourselves with what’s going on with us. Get a journal and write down what you’re struggling with. Make a plan to work on each problem. Set some goals. Get counseling if you need it. Get you an accountability partner. Gather you a group of masterminds. Stay focused and diligent and work through everything that you know is hindering your peace and joy. Life is beautiful and our mishaps and the scares they leave us with matures us. It’s like a beautiful peace of art. The imperfections makes it that much more valuable. Press. Fight. Strive. Thrive. Believe. And guess what? Victory will be yours. As a matter of fact VICTORY is already OURS. I believe it on this evening. Be encouraged and let’s growth together. We have no other choice.

In the clouds

My mind never stops. It’s seems to do what it wants to do lately. I have some skills that I’ve learned to use but sometimes I guess I’m too lazy to practice what I’ve learned. Mind you I’ve paid a lot of money to learn these tactics. Perhaps I’m not too lazy. Maybe my mind races so much that it’s become the norm so by the time I think to utilize my tools it’s already double timing. Either way this ole mind of mine is something else.

There was a movie, I can’t recall the name of it, but the couple had made some sex videos and the husband was storing them in the cloud on various iPads. Once the iPads got full he’d sell the iPads or give them away. I can’t remember which one. But he thought that what he was saving, the sex videos, were going in the clouds. What he didn’t know was that all those videos were still on those iPads he sold or gave away. So the movie had a saying, “nobody understands the clouds.” I find that to be so very true. I think sometimes my mind works like the clouds. There are a lot of compartments up there. I think that I’m filing things in one compartment but in reality it goes in another compartment. Anybody else feel this way sometimes? I find this to be most true when I’m not focused. Now when I’m focused. The clouds have nothing on me. I’m a dominate force. πŸ’ͺ🏽πŸ’ͺ🏽

What I realize here lately is that when everything is going as planned or how I think things should go I’m very focused and dedicated to whatever work I’m doing. But when something comes to throw me off it’s as if a hurricane has hit me. Again does anybody else experience this? Now not just anything throws me off but if it’s someone I care about or something that means something to me, it really can take me off my course. I sometimes talk to myself afterwards like I’m giving myself a debrief and ask myself all these questions such as why did you allow that to move you? What could I have done differently to remain focused? When I feel myself getting distracted what could I do differently to take control of the situation? And yes I answer myself. After I had this dialogue often times I feel silly because hind sight allows me to see that it wasn’t that important anyways. Or that I over analyzed something or thought too much into something.

Most people that know me know that I’m a very emotional person. I’ve been told that I wear my emotions and/or my feelings on my shoulders. And that’s true. But ONLY towards people and things that I care about. Because if you ask my co-workers they’d say I’m so nonchalant to where most of them think I’m mean.

Be mindful of what you put out in the universe. Someone is always watching you. And guess what? Nobody understands the cloud. Be encouraged.