Pulling Away = FEAR!

I know they care but they’re afraid. Everything can be going great and they’ll find something to mess up. Why? I don’t know. Fear? The only thing I can think of is, fear. Has anyone ever experienced this sort of situation? These feelings?

They’re NOT Real!

Fear is:

*an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger

*anxious concern

*reason for alarm


*False Events Appearing Real

I added the last two definitions. The last one is an acronym that I got from a book I read by Grant Cardone. False. Fear is a false emotion. One really doesn’t know if what they’re afraid of is really true. Or if it will even happen. But what fear does do is cause one to put up their guards. You began to sabotage that that you’re afraid of. One becomes deliberate at trying to make sure that what they’re afraid of doesn’t come to past. So when things are going great, one stops and think, “nope this is not going to happen to me.” But remember what they’re afraid of hasn’t happened. They don’t even know if it will happen. But somehow they allow themselves to push back. Mess things up. I know that sounds crazy just reading it. But that’s fear!

Anyways, I can feel it. I can sense it. I know it’s something there. But just when everything is getting into a good rhythm, poof!!! It’s over. It’s been like this for a period of time. I go to my note app within my phone and pour my heart out. I don’t dare show it anymore. Being slapped down is just too hard to bare. So I keep it to myself. I don’t share my concerns with anyone but the notes and Jesus.


I ask Jesus to take the feelings away. Allow me not to even think about it. I try to stay busy. But even with me keeping busy my mind continues to drift. I don’t want to think, I tell myself, but I think even the more.

It’s so easy to revisit the good times. For me it’s easy to revisit the bad times too because even within the bad times, I felt something. They say hindsight’s 20/20. So I go back and rework every failure. Every misunderstanding. Every disappointment. I begin to think of that song by Luther Vandross, I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else 🎼🎼. It sums it all up for me.

Then my second voice comes and tell me, San that’s not cute! I don’t want to listen though. I feel like anything in life worth having is worth fighting for. So there is a piece of me that says continue to fight. Heck, you don’t have anything else to do. I don’t have a life per se. I still somehow struggle with which direction to take though. I don’t want to look like a fool. But then I’m reminded of that old song, “Everybody plays the fool, sometimes. There’s no exception to the rule.”🎼🎼.” Go check out the song here, https://youtu.be/7i72cbo_qdg. However I still find myself struggling with what to do. So I walk and sleep in a state of confusion. That brings me to Phylis Hyman song, Living in Confusion. I love that lady. I love her voice. But my Lord some of her music is depressing. I try my best not to slip back into depression. I experienced it last year and put in a lot of work to keep myself away from that dark place. A lot of work, trust me. As much as I like being tiny, I don’t want to be tiny due to depression. I don’t eat when I’m depressed. Nope. Not going down that path no more. If I thought what I was after would send me into a state of depression, trust me I’d run as fast as I could. But I’m totally in touch with my feelings. I stay on the look out for depression and anxiety. I can’t roll with those two! No can do!

Stay Focused San!

The only other conclusion I can come to is that they are already into something else. Somebody else! And if that being the case I can’t compete! I’m not competitive at all. As a matter of fact I’m a sore loser. I can be playing UNO with the kids. If I’m about to lose I’ll cheat or quit. I can’t stand losing so I won’t even compete.

My readers are probably thinking why wont you just ask the question San instead of all this guessing and stuff. My answer, I have. PLENTY of times. I’ve gotten a positive response too. But as I said in the first paragraph, when things are going well something ALWAYS happen.


So although I haven’t finalized how to move forward, I’ve decided to continue to work on me. I’ll continue to work, get my life in order, and try to stay focused. Life is good. Love is Real. Fear is FALSE! I believe that. My season will come. Until then…..


Lust, Love, or Infatuation!

Have you ever loved somebody so much it makes you cry? Have you ever loved somebody so much that you don’t ever want to be away from them at night? I say at night because most of us have to work during the day. Plus I love to be cuddled and I love cuddling! Have you ever loved somebody so much that their smell lingers on days after they’re no longer in your presence? Have you ever long for somebody you know you can’t have? Is it love or is it infatuation? What’s the difference? I had to go to the dictionary to find out. Here’s what I gathered from the definitions.


*feeling of foolish or obsessively strong love or admiration for or interest in

*strong and unreasoning attachment


*attraction based on sexual desire

*affection and tenderness felt by lovers



*warm attachment

*strong affection for someone

What’s the difference really? Infatuation has the word foolish in it. Foolish is a lack of good sense. So if I’m infatuated with someone am I not using good judgment? Perhaps! If I know nothing will ever become of it and I continue to dig in deeper? Even if that’s being the case, can’t the same thing happen with true love? I mean I think I’ve been in love before. I’m no longer with the people I was in love with. So was I foolish? With one of them there were all kinds of signs and I continued to love him. I may have been foolish but was I only infatuated and not in love?

This post started off with me thinking about someone that I believe I love, to me now questioning rather I love the person or if I’m infatuated with the person. I’d hate to label myself foolish. But at this late in my life perhaps it’s time to get real with myself and stop going around in circles.

If you’ve read any of my other post then you’ve read where I say I love me and my ways. I love my old fashion views of life and relationships. However perhaps I need to do some soul searching and accept that my way just doesn’t work.

I’m questioning rather I’ve ever truly loved or if I’ve just allowed my infatuation cause me to settle for. I do know that my thought process tells me that once we make out, that’s it! I’m yours and you mine. Now that’s foolish huh? Because I’m starting to believe that men can screw me in the AM, go screw Tosha midday, and then go screw Janice in the PM. So in that case Mista is NOT mine. All along I remain faithful to just sleeping with just that one person, Mista! Now is that foolish? I’m asking.

See time is winding down for me. I feel like I don’t have too many more times or reset to get this relationship thing right. I don’t like hanging out. So I probably won’t meet anyone that way. I normally go to small churches where everyone is already married. So no way I’m wrecking a marriage. Nope, not gone do that. I don’t want to meet anyone on social media. That’s creepy to me. When I do go out to eat or go watch tennis I’m not really in the mind of meeting anyone to date. So the guys I meet during my tennis outings I think of them as tennis partners. I still keep in touch with all the ones I’ve met. Some married some single. Some live in other countries. But I never allow myself to think of the single ones as possibles. Nope, I love to be able to just talk tennis with them. That’s cool and good enough for me. The guys I meet while working, hmmmm, I don’t know, I just don’t think of them as possibles either. Trust me I’ve had them offer me money just to smile or go out to dinner with them. I think that old fashion part of me just won’t allow me to open up and explore. I guess!

So every time something goes astray in my life I go back to familiar territories. I go back to what I know. What I’ve always wanted anyways. That’s what lead me to this post. I’m I infatuated or really in love. Wait I just thought of another word. I’m I in LUST? Let’s explore this word.





*intense sexual desire

Okay I can stop right here because my situation is not just sexual. I think maybe in the past because I don’t know if I really had a chance to know the person. But noooo its way deeper than lust.

Remember that Tyler Perry movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, where the role played by Kimberly Elise, her husband put her out and the guy that moved her, Shemar Moore, fell in love with her? Remember he said he knew he love her because he prayed for her more than he prayed for himself. He thinks about her all day. And her smile, her smile brightened his day? Well not exactly what I just wrote but if you’ve seen the movie you know what I mean. Well I feel this way. I feel some kind of way. Sad thing is I believe I always felt some kind of way, was just never able to say it.

I hate that my granny raised me on The Cinderella dreamed, not really, but I’ll tell you what I mean. I still want a man to come and sweep me up off my feet. I still want to be captured by his attention. I still want to go on walks while holding hands. I believe in the man leading. I think a man is suppose to protect me and provide for me. In every area! I still think I’m suppose to make sure that his needs are met in every area too. Now check this out. There were things I just didn’t believe in with others. Things I just wasn’t going to do. Wasn’t willing to work on. But with this person I’m so open and free. And actually long to be even more! Interesting huh!

Okay so, lust, love, or infatuation? Which one is it? Help me out. I’m growing. I’m seeking help from more experienced individuals. I’m partially ready to do away with some of my old fashion beliefs. Some of them. NOT all of them. I still have morals. Values. But I feel like I’m up against the clock of life. The other EXTREME is simply stay single. I do good currently till it’s time to go to bed. That part is so hard. Believe it or not I’ve always slept with somebody. Be it my grandma, my granddad, my children, or my spouse. So this sleeping alone is just weird. But with time I’m sure I’d be okay. So staying single is an EXTREME option. VERY EXTREME! So, talk to me. Give me some sound counsel. Lay it out there.

*Disclaimer; I don’t have a whole lot of experience in the dating arena. I’ve been in long relationships so I wasn’t able to date. I started with a family and marriage early. Just to let you know. But I don’t want you to be easy on me. I’m not easily offended in general. So go right ahead and tell me who and what you really feel!

Losing a Furry Loved One

My brother texted me this morning at 4:30 AM and told me he lost his baby. He was a Bullmastiff. He had him for ten years. I know what he’s feeling. I’ve been there.

He told me his wife found him yesterday at the house around 6 PM. My heart goes out to him and the family. Me and Jason go a ways back. We studied for our CPA together. Spent a lot of late nights studying together and praying together. His wife and two children are simply beautiful. My heart goes out to them.

We hadn’t seen each other in years up until maybe May or June this year. When we met back up it was as if we had just seen each other. Our friendship is solid. He’s like my little BIG brother. He’s younger than me but the dude is HUGE! I named him Ham-hock years ago. If you would’ve seen him back then the name was fitting. He has since gotten with my ex-trainer and now he belongs on the GQ cover! 🤣🤣🤣. No, but for real, he’s taken his health more serious and now he looks awesome. I don’t know why it took him so long. His wife use to be a pharmacist and now she’s a RN. Both of them are super smart.

I’m so proud of him and how he’s maintained a marriage and family for 20 years and he’s only 38 himself. That’s not heard of these days. Anyways the news broke my heart. Those that know me know how I feel about the babies. I don’t meet strangers. He would tell me to stop messing with everybody dogs when we’d be out.

I lost my baby in 2009. I know what he’s experiencing. I found my baby on the street behind my house. He was torn in pieces. I tried to put him back together in the middle of the street. A sister that I went to church with was also a bus driver at my baby boy middle school. She found me in the middle of the road and helped me up. But she also told my son before I could tell him.

The pain of losing a furry loved one is devastating. I don’t wish it on no one. What do you say to a person that experiences this? I don’t know ! I told him I love him because I do and that I’m here for him and the family because I am. You know in life if you can’t be there for others you’re not living. I just don’t believe we’re here to build a fortune for ourselves and just live. I believe we are truly blessed to be a blessing. I really do.

Jason & Zeus

Zeus you were loved. You were Jason best bud. He spoke of you often. He thought you were THE man killer. He had mad love and respect for you. You will forever be a part of their lives. You are gone but NOT forgotten. We will celebrate your life. You will not be forgotten. Your memorial will be one of uplifting and love because that’s what you did. You Mr. Zeus, uplifted, protected, and loved the Moore family!

To the Moore family we furry lovers grieve with you. I love you and I’m here for you. Grieve. Remember. Do whatever it takes and for however long it takes.

What does it mean to act white?

What does it mean when you’re black and another black person tells you you act like a white woman? Is that offensive or what? How do white women act? I wouldn’t know because I’ve never been a white woman.

I LOVE my Blackness

I’ve heard this throughout my life that I act like a white girl and I looked like a white girl. It’s never bothered me before, but when it comes from somebody you like it feels different. Sort of like hmmmm. Wonder what they really mean. Or what they really think of me? It’s sort of disrespectful. Me and this person go way back and it hasn’t been until recently that they told me this. I sort of respect their opinions but this one has me feeling some kind of way.

I’m Pro Black

I use to not mind being called a white girl in regards to my body shape because back in the day white women where tall and thin and so am I. But in 2019 you see white women built like Serena Williams. Now I don’t know if they are buying these bodies or what! Every social media sight I’m on you see the white models telling you to do squats and/or lunges to get this perfect round butt. All I know is that I’ve squatted my knees out and I still don’t have a butt! So I tell myself that I just have a Sandra body. I’m Sandra and that’s awesome! I love my long legs and thin figure! I love that my inner thighs don’t rub. I’ve been told I have an athletic body. I’ll take that even though I’m totally NOT athletic.

Better get you a Sandra. Although there’s only one ME!

Back to this act like a white woman mess. The examples I was given is that I look like the type that would live in Buckhead Atlanta and walk my puppies with a big brim hat! What the what? LOL! So only white women do that? Isn’t that like thinking white women are more socially astute than black women? That’s condescending in my opinion. Another thing I was called out on was the fact that I’m rebuilding my credit. My credit took a lick a few years ago because me and my SOON to be EX made a financial decision that he didn’t uphold his part of the bargain. So, I was speaking on how excited I was that my score is on the rise. They go, “ain’t no black person thinking about credit.” Huh? Really? No black person is thinking about their credit!!! That’s crazy to me. Like flat foot crazy. Mind you this person says they have excellent credit and they are black. I wonder if the person thinks I’m having an identity crisis. And if so when did that begin? In their opinion. I think for the most part I’ve been the same. I’ve gain some weight. As they always say, “heck I’m 50 years old.” Although I’m not. I still have a couple more years. I’m in no rush. Plus I want that credit right by then. LOL! I mean I work a lot now something I’ve never had to do all my life. But that’s cool. This person works all the time too. So I know they respect my hustle. But the whole white woman thing is just totally not correct. I mean I act like a black woman. A beautiful black woman. An intelligent black woman. A black woman that’s putting the pieces of her life back together. Yes I love puppies. I’d love to walk my babies in a beautiful A-line dress and some nice heels and my hair done. But that’s not a white woman thing to me. Yes I love being thin. If I could gain weight and look like the traditional black woman I’d put on about 5 more pounds. Unfortunately my weight doesn’t come on me in such a way. I look like trailer park trash when I gain weight. Mind you I use to live in a trailer home within a trailer park. So I know what I’m talking about. I don’t get the big butt or the shapely thighs. I get HUGE breast. My inner thighs touch and my stomach and back get rows. None of which are cute on me. So I prefer to remain small. Also, I think my breast are still a lit bit too big (from when I did gain weight and looked liked trailer park trash, cute trailer park trash nonetheless) but oh well. It is what it is. I’m worrying about getting my credit back right and getting my savings back right so the breast will have to just be grateful for being cancer free. In honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

I’m cute!

Can’t leave this white woman mess along. It’s stuck in my spirit. I love my blackness. As a matter of fact those that know me know I tan every year. I even go to the tanning salon and lay in a number 5 bronzer bed. So I’m super proud of my blackness. I don’t ever want to be white nor do I want white people tendencies. Whatever they are. My long legs are a blessing from my dad. My slim body is too. My loving spirit in general, I get from my Grandma. I’m very proud of that characteristic of mine. The fact that I’m culturally astute is because I’ve lived, I’ve traveled, and I’ve experienced life. I see nothing wrong with my way of living. I don’t bother nobody. I’ll help anybody and I love everybody. My Lord what a gift from Jesus.

And it’s beautiful just like ME

Things are looking up for me

I did absolutely NOTHING today. I got off work and laid around and now I feel awesome! Sometimes you need to just do nothing. It’s refreshing, I promise! I spoke to a friend early this morning. Then later I spoke to the lady that cleans my house that’s become a good friend of mine. I’m excited because things are starting to look up for me. You know I said I’m giving myself four years to get my life together. I’m in no rush. It’s going to be some small moves here and there but they’ll be vital to the big picture. I’m sitting over smiling as I type thing.

This is not a long post. I just want to encourage you that whatever you’re doing or where ever you are in life it’s ok! Don’t let it overwhelm you. I was experiencing anxiety last week. It helps to have a BEST friend that’s a PA. I need to send her so many $19.95’s for all the medical help she’s given me over the years. Don’t try to understand that, it’s a joke between the two of us. 😂😂😂. Our relationship goes back to 1994. Our relationship has been tested and proven. I love her with my all. But okay I say this to say that everything will be okay. I promise you. Just make small adjustments everyday.


I’m excited for these last three months of 2019. I plan to be intentional. You know a friend told me yesterday to plan and stop rushing to do things. It was good advice. Anybody that knows me knows I’m a planner. But I’ve been off my game here lately. So, it’s good to have people in your circle that’ll bring you back in. Like a lifeguard. I can’t swim so if I ever go to the pool, which I normally don’t, I’d need to have a lifeguard near. This friend was my lifeguard on yesterday and today I’m grateful.

Today was such a blessing. I didn’t read nor journal but my mind was stable. It wasn’t racing. I didn’t think of old times. I stayed in the moment. Yaaasss! I love it. So today was a WIN. Somebody told me I needed to get some wins under my belt to build some momentum. So today was that quick start that I needed. Smiling as I type. Picture this. I’m laying in bed wiggling my toes. TV on in the background with CNN and there every thirty minutes breaking news headline. Heat on 78. Eating on some sweet tarts, chilling. Life’s good and I’m claiming that I’ll finish the year with such peace and joy in my heart. As a matter of fact I’m decreeing it. You know the word says we can decree a thing. I have to start using my benefits. I have to start back speaking the word over my life. Yes that’s exactly it.

Living in expectancy

So to all my beautiful sisters that are struggling, growing, yes GROWING, through life’s transitional phases, to my sisters that got it going on, you too, be encouraged. We have about 90 days left in 2019, let’s make them count. Let’s do the work to tighten up our shot group and make our dreams come alive. Don’t compare your story with no one else. Stay in your own lane, but grind. 🥰🥰

Embrace Your WOW Factor!

I started reading in 2017 and I can’t stop. At some point I need to put these books down and take action. However, every time I start, I see another good book, help me please! I need an intervention. But no not really! I try not to buy more books, I promise I do but I’ll pass it up and not buy it but It’ll stay in my mind. Before you know it I’m on Amazon buying the book.

I want to speak about a book I just read by Mrs. Paris Love titled, Embrace Your WOW Factor, 7 Ways to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses. I read this book yesterday. You will not stop till you finish reading it, I promise! It’s a quick read filled with golden nuggets that resonates with you. As you know I blog a lot about the emotional and mental trauma I’ve experienced. This sister here is on point with her steps to advance you beyond the hurt and pain. You can purchase your very own copy at EMBRACE Your WOW Factor: 7 Steps to Love Yourself Free of Apologies and Free of Excuses https://www.amazon.com/dp/1692855913/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_EYJJDbD4MKMN0. And while you there order a copy for a friend girl like I did. I’d love to start an online book group to discuss the information that this book reveals.

A MUST Read!

People ask me all the time why do I forgive so easily. Or folks don’t understand how you can forgive someone for molesting your child. Or a spouse that has had a child on you while you’re still married. Honestly it’s not for anyone to understand. I can tell you that I often times don’t want to forgive. The easy thing is to stay in the pain. Have a pity party. Accuse the person of all their evil. Hold the grudge. Constantly lash out at them for the hurt. Question I have is what does that profit? They say San how can you smile through all you’ve been through? My question back to them is, how can I NOT smile through what I’ve been through. Regardless to what I’ve been through I have no need or desire to complain. Now mind you I went through phases where I wanted the first hubby killed, literally. And the second one I busted a vase over his head and damaged his precious baby, his convertible BMW. But it was for a season. I’m able to care and love both of them. Don’t wish either of them no harm. For after all that, I realized it was time to deal with Sandra. Renew Sandra. Fix Sandra. Love on Sandra! So I began counseling and put the work in.

As Mrs. Love spoke about balance and taking care of you in her book, I felt it all. When a person doesn’t take care of themselves, I call it being a busy body. Distractions. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re not taking care of ourselves because we clean up so well. We look soo good on the outside while the inside is literally deteriorating. I was fabulous at doing it all. I’d pay the $300 for the sew-in. I’d buy the hair bundles for $400 plus. I’d pay $2000 for the Valentino bag! Yes I did all that and some. But I was broken in the inside. See I was a busy body my entire life. I started having children early and got married early. Actually I’ve been married my entire adult life. And yes I love the institution of marriage! However my busy body activities were always trying to be a perfect mom, perfect wife, perfect friend. Give back to the community. Look out for others. I went through phases of blaming myself for years. See I know the word of God. Even when I’m not living it I know it. I beat myself up because I felt that had I been praying and watching as the Bible instructed then I would have known what was going on in my house. But I thank God for counseling and this book. And how I’m still learning to NOT blame myself and to STOP apologizing. The steps that Mrs. Love speaks about in her book that I love so much are biblical. It’s not Jesus desire for us to live under all this hurt and pain. And magnifying someone’s wrong doing does nothing for you. Often times when we hurt somebody it’s not the person that’s getting hurt that it’s about, it’s about the person that’s committing the actions. They’re dealing with their own demons. I learned this the hard way. When somebody hurts you, you want that person to suffer and suffer long. But when you in the mercy seat you want favor. You want understanding. You want forgiveness. I’m telling you I know what I’m talking about because I’ve experienced this. Let that mess go. Let it all go. Focus on you. Get help. I saw this and it hit the point the book and myself are encouraging us all to do.

Try it! Daily!

I also had to learn to stop with the negative talking. I’m broke. He hurt me. I’m tired. All that negative talking picks up momentum the more you feed it. So I had to learn to change my thought process. I still catch myself doing and I try to switch it up. I’m not broke. Stop buying dresses and going to watch tennis when you know you don’t have the money, which is probably NOT gone happen. I’m just being honest here! Sis the book speaks on all that. The Bible even teaches us that’s it’s not what goes in the body that defiles the temple. It’s what comes out. It teaches us there is life and death in the tongue. I love reading. Absolutely love it. And I only read self-help, non-fiction and autobiographies, biographies, and memoirs. But guess what? Everything we need is in those 66 books! I promise you. The Holy Bible is THE Book!

Mrs. Love speaks of living in the NOW! How many of you know that the word of God teaches us to take no thought for tomorrow? Look it up. It’s in there. Why worry about tomorrow? It has its own issues. Plus he said if he feeds the birds how much more will he do for us. The bird don’t be flying around stressed and worried. Sis again, let that mess go. Take in today. It’s beautiful. We miss so much worrying about tomorrow and yesterday too. Here’s a problem that I have. Something happens, let’s say on Monday. I shake it off or really don’t even realize it happened. Come Wednesday I’m all the way back in Monday analyzing what happened. How crazy is that? But I do this. It’s stressful. It’s unnecessary. Don’t let me go to that person. They be like, “San gone with all that!” I’m telling you thats crazy huh? But I do that. But guess what I can work on that. And it all starts with me.

Also I like how she recognized she had to go through her experiences to get the book! Yes sisters. There is a book in us. Don’t feel bad. Don’t be embarrassed. Don’t force something that won’t fit. Go through. Get the testimony. Get the book! My Lord I felt that. I was just sharing with a sister that I have this burning in my belly that gives me anxiety because I want so very badly to tell and share my story because I know it’ll help others. She encouraged me to step out on faith and I know she’s right. But I know my weakest characteristic is patience. I have none. I was talking a friend on yesterday about working on getting myself back together. Sometimes I get discouraged because I can’t do the things I use to do. That right there is a negative thought process because that’s living in the past. See I’m not there either Sis but I’m working on it. We will all get there is we acknowledge it and put the work in. Take day by day and step by step.

Romans 12:3

I think over the years I’ve convinced myself that I was this perfect mom and wife. Well the truth of matter is that I wasn’t. And I’m not. I wasn’t faithful. I think I’ve justified my lies and deceit because it was always with the same guy over the years. But reality is a lie is a lie. I will never be perfect nor do I have a desire to be. However I do have a desire to always strive to be a better version of myself. Sometimes to others that can look like being ungrateful but I know that it’s me striving and thriving. Something that I wholeheartedly believe in. Perhaps that’s the real truth why I can forgive so easily. I don’t know.

Anyways sisters get the book. Read the book. Pray. Seek help. Learn to get you a daily praise. Get yourself by yourself and start dealing with YOU. What I’ve come to realize is that most of our hardship begins with US. it’s something going on in the insides. But one thing I do know is the struggles, the battles, the let downs, the upsets, the heartbreaks, they all come to build character. They’re not for our destruction. You can live after the pain. As a matter of fact you will live after the hurt. But it’s going to be up to you how you choose to live. I love you and I love this book. Mrs. Paris Love thank you for this gem. Thank you for being transparent. Thank you for being authentic!

Adulting on Social Media

Let’s talk about being an adult. This post is from my eyes. I think my eyes are relatively okay because I’ve had LASIK surgery. However I do need reading glasses now. Any who, let’s discuss what it is to be an adult. What some of the behaviors should be of an adult. And let’s make it relate to social media some how.

It’s interesting!

I remember sitting on my front porch watching all the kids on the block and thinking to myself, I can’t wait to get grown so I can do what I want to do. My granny nor my aunts and uncles thought I should be outside running up and down the streets like the other children. Little girls were suppose to look cute and sit pretty. Not run around and sweat and get funky. Huh? That’s exactly what I should’ve been doing. But nooooo I had to sit on the porch and look cute. Lord k las back in my day you didn’t dare talk back and get flip at the lip like these kids do. Noooo way! But my oh my I could’ve really said some things. But now as an adult I can play and still be pretty.

Sitting Pretty! 🤣🤣

See I thought and still do think that as an adult I don’t have to lie. I don’t have to pretend. I can speak my mind. My yes is a yes and my no is a no. I’m able to apologize when I make a mistake. I TRY to mind my own business. I typed try in all capital letters because I literally try. Not perfected it yet.

Trying to mind my own business

On social media I don’t “slide” in people boxes. This term “slide” is new for me. I learned it earlier this year from my daughter and my nephew. I thought it was cute. It meant to come by my place or where ever am at. But noooo, I’m learning that it’s what grown people do to other grown people in their inboxes. It’s also called DM, direct message. My people this is not cute. This is not a characteristic of adulting. I want you all to stop this. Now if you’re going to “slide” to introduce me to a business or a product or to give me warning I’ll accept that. But to call me baby or sexy, that’s a no no. Grown people that’s not right. Again this is seen through my vision. I also think that grown people should stop with things like GM, WYD, HRU, unless you know the person. Unless you have established this line of communicating. But if you’re “sliding” in someone inbox for the first time this is a turn off. And trust me no one wants to be called baby if you don’t know them unless you’re a rapper. If you’re going to “slide” address the person by their name. Also I’m old school, sexy has a sexual connotation to me so if you don’t know me you shouldn’t approach me in that manner. Thus again another turn off. See it’s just too much you don’t know about the person you’re contacting or “sliding” to. That’s why it’s just not a good thing to do. Now there are dating apps that perhaps these behaviors maybe welcomed. For some. But as for me I just don’t like it. I got on a dating app last year and it vexed me. I couldn’t take it. Those people didn’t even know me and to say they wanted to get to know me was just nasty. I was like why? So I had to really ask myself then why are you on here San? I deleted the app after a week. I would get 50 email alerts a day. Are we really this desperate to be with someone? I had to ask myself that. So as for me I’m not looking to mate on social media. But back to being an adult on social media, stop all that foolish behavior. If you’re looking to date from social media, request to be a friend and follow the person. You can tell who I am and what I’m about with what I post. As a matter of fact I just told a cat this Monday. I politely asked him to not “slide” in my inbox any more.

Be smart about it! Please!

I love people. I’ll talk to anybody. Literally. I do it for a living. And I smile. I smile a lot. I don’t know. For the most part I’m a happy person. My life maybe in chaos but I see beyond it. I’ve had a beautiful life. Some struggles. Ups and downs here and there. Some break ups and make ups. Disappointing times but honestly my good outweighs my bad so I’m good. I have more peace than not. I have nothing to complain about. So, yes I smile a lot. But trust me I’m not weak. I’m not flirting. Often times I don’t even see you. I’m just going about my day. It’s easier for me to think on my good than my bad. My good makes me smiles. You have no idea what goes on in this old head of mine.

I stay thinking!

So basically I just wanted to come here and vent out a little frustration because I feel like this past year I’ve been getting punked. People coming at me at all angles on social media. Know that I’m not looking to find my man on social media. I’m not looking period. I love people. I love interacting with people. Especially if you love tennis, spas, shopping, or traveling. So if we are vibing that still doesn’t mean I want to be with you. Just lay low. Chill out. Let’s just chat. Don’t be disrespectful. Problem is you may feel you’re not being disrespectful and that’s because you really don’t know me. You don’t know what I like or don’t like. Right now I’m stuck in 1995 so I’m telling you until I deal with me I’m not a good fit for you because I’ll get with you and tell you some ole stupid ish like if I’ll cheat on you with some joker I knew from years past. You don’t want that nor do you deserve it. Grown people stop “sliding” in these inboxes on social media. It’s not cool. It’s not adulting behavior in my humblest opinion.

Coming from my heart!

Now go and sin no more or shall I say, “slide” no more. Be encouraged on today.

Peace! ✌🏽✌🏽

Ups & Downs of Life

They do exist. Ups & Downs of life are real. I was doing good with blogging weekly and then life took hold of me and I lost my rhythm. The funny thing is I felt it coming on. I need to figure out a way to be more consistent. I’ve tried setting alerts. I’ll here it go off and ignore it. I don’t know have many electronic and hand held calendars I own. I stay writing my schedule down. Still no success. The only thing I can think of as an explanation is, ME! It’s ME. I have to get my dedication and my focus back. The decision is all mine!

It’s all up to ME!

I know that I’m able to take control of my schedule because I’m never late for work. I hardly ever miss a scheduled tennis match unless I’m at work. I make my doctors appointments on time. I schedule my post for my Chatting With San page. You can find my page here and like and follow, https://www.facebook.com/chattingwithSan/. So you see where I’m going? I make time and commit to what I want to. But don’t get me wrong, I want and NEED to commit to this here blog. I want to come and pour out my heart here. I don’t do it for the likes and comments, although I welcome them. I do it because it helps me and I KNOW it helps others. Everybody is not able to tell their life thoughts for one reason or another but me I enjoy it. Judging or negative thoughts is my least concern. I do what’s right or what feels good in my heart. It works for me. So even though life ups and downs happens, I do have a determination to be consistent. I must. I owe it to myself and you, my readers.

Consistent is the goal!

So my plan is to do better. If you have ways or thoughts that help you focus and plan better please share them with me below. I think one problem is I don’t plan my blogs out. I never really wanted to. I wanted to free style my post. It’s more authentic. Perhaps I need to consider planning post as well. I don’t know. I’m interested in hearing your input. How do you manage through lifes’ ups and downs? For I surely can’t afford to allow these 12 things or any others for that matter, to keep me from my goals in life. How about you?

Things to monitor!

Do as I say not as I do

We’ve all heard this before, do as I say not as I do. I was told this as a child and I’ve told my children this. And if I haven’t said it directly I’ve said it indirectly. Is it right to feel this way? I don’t know. I never really thought about it till now.

I have three children and I’ve taught them not to lie, steal, or cheat. Don’t go around hurting people feelings. Stand up for yourselves. Speak your truth. I’ve told my sons not to mistreat a lady. Don’t screw a female in your parents house and not in the car. I told them if they can’t afford to take her to a nice hotel then they don’t deserve the cookies. I’ve told them to never allow their girl to touch the door to enter nor exit. Always allow the female to walk on the inside. That they’re suppose to pay when they go out on dates. I taught all three of them to tip the waitress. If you can’t afford to tip then go buy fast food. Everything that I just mentioned are things that I’ve not done myself. Still I wanted these morals and values to be instilled in my children.

My daughter, I told her to know her worth. I always told her she was beautiful. She was a mess as a little girl. It was her way or no way, even at school. She’s always had a strong personality and a mother instinct. She had a thing with limousine. So when she was a child I made sure she road in one for leisure a few times. I made sure she went to the hair salon weekly. Got her toes and nails done. I made sure she got facials and massages. I made sure she wore the best clothes and shoes. I did all this so a man couldn’t easily entice her with stuff. As a family we took road trips and went on vacations. Every year for their birthdays I tried to get all three of them everything they wanted and more. Not tried, I did.

I told them not eat junk food. Eat their vegetables. Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. Don’t sleep around. Stay out the clubs. Don’t be out in those streets, they’ll age you. You can’t beat them. I made my children read books. Well the older two. My daughter is the oldest. For years she had to iron her and and her two brothers clothes every Sunday night for the entire week. I made them wake up every Saturday morning to clean the house, early, and I mean early. I also taught them not to sleep all day. Get up early because the early bird catches the worms. Did I do all these things? Nope not all but most of them I did. Regardless if I did them or not I thought the above mentioned things were vital to my children success. To their growth into adulthood. And guess what? For the most part my children do most of these things still. Of course they do things that I told them not to do. They are now 29, 27, and 22 years old. So they have to hold fast to that that works for them and lay other things down that don’t.

I know I’ve mentioned before that I’m old school. I believe in the old way. This new age stuff don’t get me. I don’t relate to most of it. Children talking back to their parents, fighting their parents, disrespecting them, I don’t get none of that. It vexes me. Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t say I deserve the mother of year award. I don’t think that my way of parenting was perfect. I made a lot of mistakes. My Lord a lot. But what I will say is that I did my BEST. I did what I felt was right in my heart. If I had to redo it I can’t honestly say I’d do something different.

I raised my babies in church. I taught them to pray. To forgive. To love. Take care of those that were less fortunate. Be respectful. Be a giver and not just receive. I didn’t raise them on holidays. They never had a valentine, Easter bunny, tooth fairy, trick nor a treat, and surely not Christmas. I told them every since they were ankle high that they don’t have nobody but each other. They’ve been doing community service events since they were literally babies. My goal was that I wanted them to be good abiding citizens. I wanted them to know Jesus. Have a prayer life. Know who to call when they needed help. I wanted them to always be there for each other.

Now with all that I also believed in chastisement and punishment. My children will tell you I beat their behinds real good. They won’t say it like that though. My daughter and my baby boy will be overly dramatic when they share their stories about being chastised. I told them a police will never have to touch them because they will know how to behave. Thus far my prophecy is true. All three of my babies are very respectful children. Doing well in life. Holding themselves down. Are they perfect? What a stupid question for none of us are. But they are my perfect babies. Each one adds a different dimension of life to me. Me and the older two grew up together. The baby boy was my first real baby because I had to do him alone. No granny’s and aunts and uncle just me and his dad. He’d cry and we’d ask each other what’s wrong. Neither one of us knew. The older two thinks he’s more spoil. I think all three were spoiled.

Anyways even after typing this the title says do as I say and not as I do. How do I feel about that statement? I still think that children were placed under the leadership of parents and it’s our responsibility to raise them and protect them. To nourish them. Chastise them. Love them. Show them the world. I did my best to all of that. Yes I do think that children should do as they are told and not as their parents do. But I also think that parents should be role models so if they do so happen to do as they see their parents do it won’t be something bad. I’ve done bad things. Even if my children didn’t see me do it I told them. This has been a curse and a blessing for me. My children have used my bad and tried to hold it against and try to hurt me with it. Perhaps I’ve done the same. Some don’t believe in chastisement. So I often wonder if they feel when I was beating their behinds is I was using their wrong against them. My granny taught me to spare the rod spoil the child. This parenting is an ever learning journey. I’m still learning and adjusting. I have very strong morals and values that I’m not willing to change with the times of today but day by day and grace by grace Jesus is dealing with me and I’m grateful. To all the families out there be encouraged and hang in there. We gone make it. Down but not out!

Embrace the Suck

Embrace the suck! At times life simply sucks. The situation you may find yourself in sucks. The pain and hurt that you’re going through sucks. Fear and anxiety sucks. Going to work everyday sucks. Living a lie sucks. Trying to be something you’re not sucks. Living in the past sucks. Not being able to speak your mind sucks. Not getting what you want sucks. Having to struggle sucks. Going through a divorce sucks. Not being able to have a baby sucks. Afraid to tell on somebody for their wrong doing sucks. Going to prison sucks. Death sucks. Cancer sucks. Not having enough money sucks. Having more month then money sucks. Not being able to pay all the bills sucks. Not being able to take vacation sucks. Keeping secrets sucks. Dealing with angry customers sucks. Getting evicted sucks. Having to live in a homeless shelter sucks. Fighting sucks. Depression sucks.

I’m sure there are many other things that sucks that is not mentioned above. But I want to encourage you that you will make it through. whatever it is in your life that sucks today you will overcome it. There’s a blessing in the struggle. There is a blessing in going through hardship. Honestly it is. Nothing last forever and I promise you you’ll get through it all. So embrace the sucks for they’re building character. I know with the internet everything looks so easy. Success will happen overnight. But there is a saying that I believe is true and that is, “the struggle is real.” Be encouraged and embrace your sucks!