I know they care but they’re afraid. Everything can be going great and they’ll find something to mess up. Why? I don’t know. Fear? The only thing I can think of is, fear. Has anyone ever experienced this sort of situation? These feelings?
*an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger
*reason for alarm
*False Events Appearing Real
I added the last two definitions. The last one is an acronym that I got from a book I read by Grant Cardone. False. Fear is a false emotion. One really doesn’t know if what they’re afraid of is really true. Or if it will even happen. But what fear does do is cause one to put up their guards. You began to sabotage that that you’re afraid of. One becomes deliberate at trying to make sure that what they’re afraid of doesn’t come to past. So when things are going great, one stops and think, “nope this is not going to happen to me.” But remember what they’re afraid of hasn’t happened. They don’t even know if it will happen. But somehow they allow themselves to push back. Mess things up. I know that sounds crazy just reading it. But that’s fear!
Anyways, I can feel it. I can sense it. I know it’s something there. But just when everything is getting into a good rhythm, poof!!! It’s over. It’s been like this for a period of time. I go to my note app within my phone and pour my heart out. I don’t dare show it anymore. Being slapped down is just too hard to bare. So I keep it to myself. I don’t share my concerns with anyone but the notes and Jesus.
I ask Jesus to take the feelings away. Allow me not to even think about it. I try to stay busy. But even with me keeping busy my mind continues to drift. I don’t want to think, I tell myself, but I think even the more.
It’s so easy to revisit the good times. For me it’s easy to revisit the bad times too because even within the bad times, I felt something. They say hindsight’s 20/20. So I go back and rework every failure. Every misunderstanding. Every disappointment. I begin to think of that song by Luther Vandross, I’d rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else 🎼🎼. It sums it all up for me.
Then my second voice comes and tell me, San that’s not cute! I don’t want to listen though. I feel like anything in life worth having is worth fighting for. So there is a piece of me that says continue to fight. Heck, you don’t have anything else to do. I don’t have a life per se. I still somehow struggle with which direction to take though. I don’t want to look like a fool. But then I’m reminded of that old song, “Everybody plays the fool, sometimes. There’s no exception to the rule.”🎼🎼.” Go check out the song here, https://youtu.be/7i72cbo_qdg. However I still find myself struggling with what to do. So I walk and sleep in a state of confusion. That brings me to Phylis Hyman song, Living in Confusion. I love that lady. I love her voice. But my Lord some of her music is depressing. I try my best not to slip back into depression. I experienced it last year and put in a lot of work to keep myself away from that dark place. A lot of work, trust me. As much as I like being tiny, I don’t want to be tiny due to depression. I don’t eat when I’m depressed. Nope. Not going down that path no more. If I thought what I was after would send me into a state of depression, trust me I’d run as fast as I could. But I’m totally in touch with my feelings. I stay on the look out for depression and anxiety. I can’t roll with those two! No can do!
The only other conclusion I can come to is that they are already into something else. Somebody else! And if that being the case I can’t compete! I’m not competitive at all. As a matter of fact I’m a sore loser. I can be playing UNO with the kids. If I’m about to lose I’ll cheat or quit. I can’t stand losing so I won’t even compete.
My readers are probably thinking why wont you just ask the question San instead of all this guessing and stuff. My answer, I have. PLENTY of times. I’ve gotten a positive response too. But as I said in the first paragraph, when things are going well something ALWAYS happen.
So although I haven’t finalized how to move forward, I’ve decided to continue to work on me. I’ll continue to work, get my life in order, and try to stay focused. Life is good. Love is Real. Fear is FALSE! I believe that. My season will come. Until then…..